


Self-Defense

by Magdalane



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Journalist Rey, MMA Fighter Ben Solo, Mentions Rose/Kay, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Recovery, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:02:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 69,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23741986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magdalane/pseuds/Magdalane
Summary: Rey lives an ordered life, and she likes it that way. Ben Solo seems to challenge her at every turn.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 106
Kudos: 251





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I'm going to try to post weekly - this fic has been half written for 6 months, and it's proving hard to write working from home with the current world sitch. We're gonna try tho! Rey has an upsetting past, but it wouldn't really be Rey if she didn't, and Ben is guarded, but so very tall.

**Self-Defense**

**Chapter 1**

Rey Johnson took a casual look around the inside of the worn brick building she had just entered for the first time, the bright industrial pendant lights glaring in that well-lit but not particularly pleasing way. She was in a resurrected area of downtown, in the small city she had lived in since coming to the southern U.S. for university. 

The inside of the two-story building spanned nearly the entire city block, as it was mostly one large open space. The front walls were constructed of large glass panes, and two pony walls topped with counters stood a few feet in from the entrance, making an informal reception area with an opening between them to enter the main room.

Behind the reception area, mirrors lined one wall of the open space that extended the length of the building, and black high quality workout mats covered the floor. The walls were a light gray, giving the space a clean but industrial feel, and bright red punching bags and workout equipment stood out at the end of the space. The entire room seemed to be a variation on red, black and gray.

She stood for a moment rather than entering further, glancing at pictures on the wall of instructors and students posing after receiving various honors. There were certifications of various kinds, with words like Muay-Thai, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Kickboxing and even Tai-Chi. Words she recognized but didn’t fully comprehend the differences between.

The school _was_ a mixed-martial arts school, she mused, not knowing much about what that really meant𑁋 if the school truly mixed different and competing styles of martial arts or if MMA was a separate thing. She’d find out soon enough, she was sure.

The extent of her knowledge of fighting had been when she would act out movie scenes with her foster siblings as a teenager. She preferred to fight with a staff, enjoying the power it gave her blows even if she wasn’t of the most muscular build. She had thought at the time she could hold her own due to her stubborn and unyielding sense of self-preservation, but life had later proven to her she wasn’t all that great at defending herself. She let those thoughts scurry back into the corners from which they came, and continued her observations.

It looked as if the owner, she man she was here to see, had trained in a traditional style of Chinese martial arts at least at some point, before moving to mixed martial arts and opening the school. Before she could look at the names of the other instructors among the accolades on the wall, she heard a deep voice behind her.

“You must be Ms. Johnson?” she heard, and turned around.

She extended her hand, taking in the surprisingly tall man who had spoken to her.

“Yes, Mr. Solo?” she replied.

He wasn’t just tall, but quite striking, with black hair and skin that should seem too pale to be attractive to her, really. Not that she spent too much time preoccupied with people’s appearances. 

“Come into my office, and we can talk for a few minutes before our classes begin for the evening.”

She followed him through the open space between the counters and to the right, going immediately right again through an open doorway and entering a plain room adjacent to the reception area. The glass walls of the front of the building also made up the wall of the office, but these were frosted, giving it more privacy.

There were a few knick knacks that looked to be souvenirs from various places and a few books, sitting very neatly on the desk to the left, but not much else, aside from a potted succulent.

He studied her as she looked around the room, not yet having taken her seat, always observing.

“How did you know I was from the paper?” she asked.

“You don’t look like you are here to sign up for a class,” he answered.

She cocked her head to the side.

“In work out clothes,” he clarified, as realization dawned on her, and she chided herself for being annoyed that she thought he was insinuating anything. She really was always on the defensive.

“Oh, I guess that makes sense,” she conceded, smiling and taking a seat in front of the desk at the same time that he reached his own chair and sat.

“What made you think of featuring our school for _The Republic_?” he asked.

“Oh, I can’t really take the credit for that. I was just given the story. But I think it’s a great idea to feature a free self-defense class,” she explained, looking him in the eye now that they are seated across from one another, and flipping open her notebook.

“And that’s what the story will be about specifically, because it’s part of a series we are doing on free and accessible things to do around downtown since the revitalization, but I’ll need background on the school and I’m happy to include information about the business in general, as it fits,” she finished.

“Okay,” he said simply. 

They looked at each other for a moment and it was hard not to survey his angular face and expressive brown eyes, but it wasn't uncomfortable. He must be a man of few words, she thought, and he seemed to be appraising her similarly.

“Okay,” she echoed, laughing, deciding it best to get on with the questions.

“This has most of what you might want to know about us in general,” he said, finding his voice again, and handing her a pamphlet with pictures and brief biographies of the instructors.

She looked down at the front page, scanning quickly.

“I’ll take the website and phone number off of this then, assuming that it is all correct?” she asked, looking back up.

“Yes.”

She looked back down, circling something on the pamphlet and putting a star on the contact information. She noted that the man she was talking to looked just as intense in his photo when she flipped it to the back, and seemed to have traveled quite a bit, according to his brief biography.

“Wow, you’ve really gotten around there, huh, Mr. Solo?”

“Uh, yes. And call me Ben, please.” He doesn’t offer more about where he’s traveled to or why.

There are two types of people one encounters when interviewing someone, Rey has learned, and one is not necessarily always better than the other. Some will go on and on and have no problem talking about themselves, giving you far more information than you need and causing you to write details furiously, half of which you’ll never have the space to use. 

Others answer only what you ask, and those are the ones that can seem uncomfortable with journalists, as if they are waiting for someone to use their words against them or perhaps are self-conscious. This man doesn’t seem uncomfortable𑁋he seems measured and in control𑁋 but it’s obvious he won’t be waxing on and on with his own agenda, or vying for her words to advertise his business the way he wants it to. That can be the downside of the first type. Some people that talk more have an agenda, but some don’t. One can usually tell after a few minutes.

Either way, she’s unconcerned; she always gets what she needs no matter whether she has to coax the information out or not.

“Okay, so who are _‘we’_?” she said, still scanning the paper.

Ben looked slightly confused.

“I... don’t know what you mean,” he said.

Rey laughed, setting the pamphlet behind her notebook and getting ready to write.

“Ah, sorry. You said the pamphlet has what I need to know about ‘us’. Who else is included in ‘us’?”

“Oh. I was trying to figure out if you meant who are martial artists in some philosophical or generic sense.”

“Sure, that too, Sifu. I’ll take anything you want to give me.”

Rey found that lightening the mood usually worked in her favor when interviewing someone she'd just met.

After a moment, Ben cracked a smile, and his entire face looked different, but he shook his head indulgently, but she wasn’t sure why.

“No great philosophies on life here, so I’ll get back to you when I figure that out. I’m just a retired fighter,” he said. He ran his hands through his wavy hair with an odd expression.

“And we don’t teach traditional Kung Fu here, so let’s not call me Sifu. Kung Fu schools and other traditional martial arts are worlds apart from MMA, which doesn’t really have any belief system attached to it, and isn’t even close to the pursuit of the same ends. Even most schools in the U.S. that claim to be traditional of some sort have little grasp of spirituality, or meditation. They may lead to personal growth, though, which was usually a goal. Americans don’t really fully understand how much they’ve misunderstood and exotified martial arts from various parts of the world, actually. And I don’t really practice any of them in a traditional way, since my focus is MMA and Brazilian Jiu JitSu.”

“Okay, fair enough. I’m not American though.”

Ben looked mildly sheepish, since it was obvious by her accent that she didn’t grow up on this side of the pond.

“Well, British, American, same difference in this context. I guess I meant Westerners.”

“Okay, I’ll allow your ‘same difference’ in this context only,” she smirked. She almost blurted out that she could understand what he meant because even her favorite science-fiction fantasy movies had been influenced by a Japanese filmmaker, and yet it didn’t mean people understood the Samurai or Japanese culture in any greater sense from watching them. But that was irrelevant, and this was an interview, not a back-and-forth conversation.

It was a bit weird. She spoke in a friendly tone to people she’d just met all the time as a part of the job, but this time she wished she was _just_ talking to him, maybe in a different setting, maybe over coffee or dinner. 

He cleared his throat and continued.

“Us just meaning myself and my business partner, Finn, and the other instructors that have joined. We’ve all done different styles of martial arts and fighting, and we bring different things to the school. Finn will be around later and will be happy to talk to you as well.”

She felt a pang at the name Finn, but ignored it.

“If you studied traditional martial arts, why did you start an MMA school?”

“Because as I said, I’m not a traditional martial artist. I studied different things, but became a fighter instead. It’s neither here nor there, really,” he said a bit firmly.

“So, what made you want to offer a women’s self defense class for free?” she asked, trying to steer the conversation to its intended topic. “I see here that you also offer self-defense classes on a monthly fee like your other classes.”

“Well… it just seems like the right thing to do. Obviously we are a business and we make our living off of teaching people how to defend themselves and fight, but not everyone can commit to our classes.”

Rey digested that for a moment.

“So, is it mostly a way of advertising what you do to get people in the door?”

If the question offended him, he didn’t show it. He didn’t show much on his face at all, she realized, wondering if she would see his broad grin again.

“We offer one free class to anyone interested in joining any class, to that end, so no. And self-defense is not the sole goal of an MMA school, which is why it’s a different category than the classes like kickboxing or Muay-Thai, but every woman should, however, know how to basically defend herself. Every woman should feel confident that she can,” he said.

It’s the most he’s said in one breath since she arrived, and silence filled the room as Rey scrawled sloppily across her notebook.

“And how long have you been offering the classes? How often can a person take advantage of it?”

“We are a pretty busy place, but we decided we could offer the class every Saturday night about a year ago. It used to be monthly, but we offer it more often now and people may come as often as they like. Most classes are on weeknights, so we offer it on a Saturday because that’s really more of a free day for people to come and use the gym if they are members,” he said.

“Do you find you have many women in the community attending? How would you feel about me coming to the upcoming class and interviewing people if they are okay with it?”

He opened his mouth but then paused for a moment, leaning back in his chair and looking pensive.

“It might be a bit odd for you to just come and watch.” 

A beat passed.

“Without participating,” he added.

“Participating? I...” Rey faltered, stumbling over her words, “… I’m just here to observe. And I was going to ask to come and take pictures, again with permission, of course. I can’t take pictures if I’m participating.” 

She was suddenly very uncomfortable at the thought of being taught self-defense by the very large and imposing man sitting in front of her, or anyone for that matter. 

“I don’t want the women that come to my class to be any less comfortable than usual, being observed by a reporter,” he countered. “Besides, what better way to observe something in order to write about it than to do it for yourself and tell it from your own perspective? Have you ever taken any type of self-defense class?”

He stared at her intently, and she didn’t understand why. She felt hot under his gaze, and she couldn’t understand why that was happening either.

But she couldn’t think of any reason that he was objectively _wrong_ that she could participate _._

While not the norm, she _had_ written from a first person perspective once before, but that was one out of the hundreds of articles she’d written over the last two years. It was another article where it worked because it was a class being offered, and she was able to write about her experience. She supposed she could do this one either way.

Her heart was beating faster now, but it was silly.

She surreptitiously took a deep breath to calm her nerves and smiled, maintaining a veneer of professionalism.

“Well, I’ll have to clear it with my editor, but I don’t see why I can’t do the class. I may have to stop a bit more for the pictures though, but I’ll make it work.”

“They don’t send a separate photographer?” Ben asked.

“Ah, well it depends. I’ll see what we do for this. If one isn’t available, I often just take a few myself.”

She knew it was actually likely that a professional photog would be sent for something that would have compelling action shots, but he didn’t need to know that. She only took her own photos when someone truly wasn’t available, but she wanted to leave herself an out.

“And to answer your last question, no, I’ve never taken any type of martial arts class at all.”

“I’d like to see you participate fully. So you can focus, and get the most out of it,” he said evenly.

Rey’s discomfort had lessened some as she firmly put on her professional demeanor. ‘Fake it ‘til you feel it’ usually worked for her since a large part of interviewing people was making _them_ comfortable. She was also used to steeling herself against her quick temper, and a subtly aggressive dynamic rolled off of this man and into her.

She couldn’t figure out why she felt like this man she just met, who she needed to interview for all of one hour at most to write a simple story, was challenging her. 

She wished she _wasn’t_ uncomfortable at the thought of taking this class. But she wished for a lot of things, and that hardly made any of them true. 

_Maybe he’s just intense. Maybe he’s just always like that_ , she thought. _Why does he care if I take his stupid class?_

She decided he deserved a little challenging back, and dove back into the questions he was answering so succinctly. She had barely gotten any colorful material for a feature.

“So, you said you think offering this class free is the right thing to do. But surely there isn’t more to it than that? A personal experience perhaps that makes this close to your heart?” Rey pressed.

Ben looked to the side, and she admired his profile as he focused on the frosted glass window.

“Do I need to have a personal stake in women’s self-defense to care about it? Does anyone?”

“No. But _do_ you? Many men teach martial arts without offering free classes to women. Many men _take_ martial arts classes without even thinking of women’s particular need for self defense.”

He looked back at her, his face still giving away little. 

“I don’t like it when people feel powerless. And women happen to represent a segment of the population that are made to feel powerless in a few particular ways, ways that martial arts can help, to a greater degree than men are. It’s filling a need,” he said carefully.

“Yes, that happens to be true,” Rey agreed, but met his eyes, waiting for him to continue, which he didn’t.

“You don’t have to explain that to me, as a woman, you know,” Rey said. “But since this is a unique class to be offered for free, readers might be interested in your motivation.”

“Do I need to have a motivation beyond it being the right thing to do?” he asked, practically repeating his earlier answer.

“Obviously not, considering it would be nice if men in general cared for women’s safety, which they don’t. But what you offer isn’t the norm. I scoured all of the martial arts schools in the area, in order to make sure I’m giving equal coverage, and can’t find any other free seminars geared towards women’s self defense,” she said coolly. 

She could see she wasn’t getting any interesting anecdotes from him, but she knew she’d figure out how to work her angle and maybe focus a class participant instead, especially since her editor only asked for 600 words. 

Still she had felt the need to try𑁋 she wanted to fit the pieces of the puzzle of this man together. He was intriguing, and she felt a bit off kilter at his insistence she attend the class coupled with his short and perfunctory answers.

“It’s just as much an effort by my partner Finn, and even some experienced students from other classes volunteer their time,” he said, maintaining the firm tone he had used to answer most of her more pointed questions.

Rey continued to jot down his quotes, and ended up writing “#notallmen” in the margins of her notebook as a little joke to herself, because it made her feel like rolling her eyes to hear him downplay her assertion that it was unusual to have a business promote a class like this for free. _Maybe I’m too cynical for my own good,_ she thought, _but there is no way half the men that take classes here even care about it._ In her experience, it was the kind of thing men pretended to care about in order not to look entirely misogynistic.

Before she could continue her line of thinking, a loud knock behind her made her jump.

Ben stood up smoothly, as if nothing ever rattled him, making Rey think she had been imagining the tension in the air just before they were interrupted.

She turned to see an attractive man with dark brown skin and a huge smile standing at the door, and her mouth dropped open.

She turned and stood quickly, dropping her notebook on the desk, but then stopping her forward movement, unsure of herself.

“Ms. Johnson, this is Finn, my business partner,” Ben said, walking around to the front of the desk where Finn and Rey now faced each other.

“Rey.”

“Finn.”

“Rey!”

“I can’t believe this. I can’t…” Finn said, his words rushing out and getting more and more excited.

Before she could continue Finn pulled her into his arms.

Rey pulled back, and they held each other’s shoulders, mirroring the other.

“What happened to you? I never knew where you went after sophomore year,” Finn said. His voice sounded pained.

“I’m fine. I missed you. I transferred to a different school at the university because I switched majors. How are you? What’s happened since we lost touch?”

“Lost touch! You disappeared! I didn’t even know you transferred. Everybody thought you dropped out. Or moved back to England.”

Rey’s face fell slightly.

“I didn’t want to leave so suddenly, but it was for the best,” she said cryptically.

They locked eyes, and embraced again, eventually pulling back after the best hug Rey had in years, stepping back out of each other’s personal space.

“You are going to make me cry and I’m on the job. This is very unprofessional,” Rey laugh-cried, wiping at her eyes, and turning her head to look at Ben, who wore a laughably confused and exasperated expression on his face.

“Hey, it’s okay. Listen, we’ll catch up. I have a lot to tell you. And I want to know every single thing you’ve done since...you transferred,” he finished, as if he had chosen his words carefully, testing them out as new information.

Ben waited patiently, observing, and a small silence ensued as Rey and Finn continued to look at each other as if they couldn’t believe what was happening.

“So, I can safely assume that you’ve already met my business partner, Ms. Johnson,” Ben said, eventually cutting in and tiring of the entire thing.

The spell was broken, which was probably best, because she _was_ still here to do a job.

“You can call me Rey,” she said, finally turning back towards Ben..

“I call her my little Rey of sunshine,” Finn interjected, earning a look from her.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Solo. Ben. Finn and I go way back. I never thought I’d see him again, actually. But I’m assuming you are well aware of his propensity to say ridiculous things.”

“I am,” Ben said drily.

“Ben did mention someone would be coming from the paper, so I guess that’s you. A writer, huh? Who would have thought that’s what you would end up doing,” Finn said.

“Definitely not me,” she joked. “Anything you want to say about the free self-defense class?”

“I can add a little I suppose. It’s been a nice addition to what we do here, although the class was Ben’s idea and it’s really his baby. He insisted we keep a slot open for it when we started this business together,” he said.

Rey turned back to Ben with a mischievous grin, and her head cocked to the side.

“Oh, did he now? It wasn’t something you came up with together?” she asked, turning back to Finn as she asked.

“No, definitely not. But I’ve always been on board,” Finn replied easily.

Ben might look the slightest bit embarrassed, or irritated, or something Rey can’t quite figure out, but he wore his face neutrally, as he had the entire conversation. His emotions seemed to only be evident in his eyes, and she’d never wanted to be caught up in anyone’s eyes like his. She ignored _that_ fleeting thought.

“How long ago did you two start the business? Where did you meet?” she said, to either of them, having picked her notebook and pen from where she dropped it on the desk. 

Ben now seemed to be content to let Finn do all the talking, and Finn seemed to naturally do so.

“Oh, it’s on there. Three years ago, now I think,” Finn said.

“And you’ve been offering the class the entire time?” 

“Yes, just about,” answered Finn, again.

“That’s a good amount of time actually, isn’t it?” she said.

“We haven’t always had the most attendance, but as the school grows more people invite their friends to come to it.”

Rey asked a few more questions about where they advertise, if there were specific techniques they taught that were suited to self-defense, and what, if any, information they would like included in the article from their point-of-view.

As she stood, she shifted from side to side every few minutes as her feet were getting tired in her red heels. She was never one for dressing up, but something about a pencil skirt and heels made her feel like she’d be taken a bit more seriously. She always secretly wanted to feel like a polished career woman, even though she felt like more of a t-shirt and jeans girl playing dress up. Either way, looking the part helped her to do her job better. She’d never be caught dead in her heels a day off, though.

Finn realized they’d been standing and talking for a while.

“How about you and I go to the coffee shop across the street and catch up, and I can answer any more questions?” Finn suggested.

She looked at Ben, waiting for him to speak up if he wanted to, but he gestured towards Finn.

“I have a class to teach soon,” Ben said, by way of answer.

“Okay, then. Let’s go,” Rey said, picking her purse up from the back of the desk chair.

Ben watched them leave, frowning slightly as he focused on Finn’s hand gently touching Rey’s lower back.

* * *

  
  


“So, how did you meet Ben, really? You two are so different!” Rey laughed.

Finn got a sly expression on his face.

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know about Ben later. First, tell me what the hell happened and where you have been!”

“Well, technically I’ve been here since we met. I never left.”

“Did you ever try to look me up? I’ve looked for you,” Finn said, his voice quieter and a bit more serious.

That’s part of what she had loved about Finn. He was never embarrassed at being who he was. Not only the foster kid baggage that she could identify with, but also about things that showed his hand, things that showed his emotions. She’d never offer up to someone that she’d looked for them. It would make her feel insecure, and needy, and vulnerable.

“I only transferred to a different school within the university, and I moved off campus. I thought about trying to keep in touch, but mostly I tried to block out my first two years of college. I do think I searched your name once but came up with nothing.”

Finn looks thoughtful.

“I don’t put much out there on social. I suppose you wouldn’t have found me,” he mused.

“Exactly. Me neither.”

She pauses, sensing his vulnerability is probably much like her own, regardless of if it’s harder to see.

“I missed you a lot. I would have been overjoyed to have found you, at any time. I’m overjoyed now,” she said, touching the hand wrapped around his coffee cup.

“And yet you were still here. Still at the university. Still around. I don’t understand, Rey. I thought that you and I had something. I mean, as friends, but I thought we meant something to each other. What did you need to block out? I thought we had a good few years.”

Finn looks down, clearly hurt, and Rey’s cheeks heat up slightly when he says _as friends_.

“This is so embarrassing. I didn’t have any… friends with benefits… after you Finn. Not even any real dating life to speak of. I didn’t need to block out anything to do with you.”

“You didn’t owe me anything,” Finn is quick to say, trying to push back down the well of emotion that discovering Rey didn’t have a compelling reason to ghost him brings up..

Rey can see that he’s hurt. And she can’t really blame him. 

“I did owe you something, as a friend, in the least. I know I didn’t return any emails. I know I disappeared. It was what was best for me. I wanted to disappear, and you are practically the only person I knew in the city. Coming from England as a foster kid to college with so many people... It was too much.”

“I don’t understand, Rey. I really don’t. You were here for two years at that point, before you dropped off the face of the earth. But okay,” he said.

“I’ll make it up to you. Please trust me, it didn’t have anything to do with you. I had to figure stuff out.”

“It’s not you, it’s me, eh?” he teased. She was just happy he was smiling again.

They both sat in silence for a moment, sipping on their drinks.

“So, you're still ordering hot chocolate?” Rey asked, smiling.

“Is Coffee still gross?”

“Nope.”

“Yep.”

The heaviness began to dissipate.

“Why did you switch to journalism? That feels so out of left field.” he asked her. “You loved engineering.”

“I did, but… I wasn’t happy there. I still love fixing things, but I didn’t want it to become a cumbersome career that I hated.”

It’s a half-truth.

“Plus, I like writing. You get to meet all kinds of people, and learn all kinds of things as a part of your job. It’s… fulfilling.”

They finished their impromptu friend date catching up easily, and Rey was saddened that she hadn’t been able to open up to Finn both in the past and now. She wondered if it was fair to expect him to pick back up where they left off, and found she desperately wanted to, even if she had done her best to think as little of that time in her life as possible.

She’d been alone much of the time since she’d made an effort to disappear before her Junior year of college. Surrounded by people, sure, but mostly alone. She was fine with that; she powered through life, and ignored the past even if she didn’t let it go, and was finding her place in her job. She’d been with _The Republic_ for two years, and life was comfortable. Lonely, maybe, but comfortable. 

She knew all about lonely from her childhood, anyway. She knew its shape and how to handle it, and life was okay. She couldn’t remember a time in her life that she hadn’t had to deal with loneliness, except for maybe the years she spent with Finn as her first and only best friend.

They parted ways with another sincere hug, and since it was after 5, she skipped heading back to the newspaper’s headquarters, which was also downtown, and began to walk to her car to drive home.

She had always had an internal monologue running through her head, narrating her life whether she wanted it to or not. A voice that never stopped speaking to her. Maybe that’s why when she switched to journalism from engineering, it came more naturally than she might’ve thought. 

Lately, with her days full of professional writing, her monologue had turned into a snarky, tabloid-like voice, commenting on her day as she made her way home, and she kind of wished she would not be so noisy.

**Best Friends Reunited After Long Last, But Can Bygones Be Bygones?**

**Old Friends Reunited in Unexpected Twist**

**Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places? How to Remain Professional On the Job**

**Who Needs Blonde Haired and Blue Eyed? We’ve Got Your Tall, Dark and Handsome**

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Rey arrived at the gym the Saturday night after she’d begun her interviews for her story, more than a little nervous, but hopeful that she’d get something out of it. She stayed in shape, running in the mornings and rock climbing as a hobby on the weekends. She decided that even though this particular activity had her out of her comfort zone, she wasn’t going to back down from a chance to learn something new. 

Much to her chagrin, she had been pushing away nerves the entire day. There were only two reasons to be anxious, and neither one she wanted to admit to.

One was that she was nervous to see a certain tall, dark and intriguing martial arts instructor again. The second was that investing the mental energy into learning self-defense, specifically confronting the need for _women’s_ self-defense, was something she tried not to think about too much. 

She immediately recognized at least one person as she walked in, another tall man with fair skin and dark hair, although he had a round face and full beard unlike the mostly clean shaven, angular lines of the person her eyes began to search for unwittingly. Snap𑁋 a fitting nickname, Rey thought𑁋 slung his large camera bag around as if it weighed nothing, and was waiting for her just inside, as the photographer assigned the story. She didn’t know him well, but it seemed like he had been at the newspaper for a long time. 

She greeted him, his presence helping her bring her thoughts to the reason she was here𑁋 her assignment. She noticed there were a few people milling about, chatting in small groups around the perimeter of the workout area, that she should go speak to.

“They’ve asked me to participate tonight. I don’t really know why, it’s silly. But I’ll stay on one end so I’m not in the way. I’d rather we use one of the other participants, and the instructors, anyway, for the picture,” Rey rambled.

“Okay, sounds good. Should be an easy one.” He sounded somewhat disinterested, sorting through his equipment. “Maybe I can get out of here early.”

They began introducing themselves separately to the people waiting for the class to start.

A slight, pretty woman with glossy black hair complimenting a heart shaped face and a tawny beige complexion was the first person Rey spoke to. She seemed friendly and approachable, and her name was Rose. She said she had only come a few times before, but didn’t mind being interviewed or having her photo taken.

Rey continued to go from person to person getting the information and quotes and captions, Snap trailing a person or so behind her, until she noticed Ben striding into the workout area. He looked muscled and imposing in a black sleeveless shirt and track pants. He seemed more informal somehow than he did the first day they met, even if his uniform that day consisted only of nicer workout clothes with the gym’s name and logo on his shirt.

He commanded the attention of the room easily, as everyone seemed to stop talking and looked at him at the front of the room.

“Hi everybody, it seems as if you’ve all met our special guests for this evening’s class, but just ignore them,” he began. A few quiet laughs spread throughout the room. 

He welcomed any newcomers, introducing himself and explaining what the class was about.

Rey jotted down everything he said in case it would make for better quotes compared to what he said when she’d interviewed him a few days before. He was in his element, she could tell, speaking easily and with authority.

Snap was already surreptitiously taking pictures and he moved around the room with the quiet of a practiced photographer, getting different angles but being unobtrusive.

“At the beginning of every class we go over proper punching, palm striking and kicking technique. Without regular practice, you can hurt yourself easily, so we want you to at least have an idea of proper form,” Ben said. “Striking is never really the focus of self-defense geared at escaping an assault, but I’d rather you practice it even for a few minutes to work on your muscle memory should you ever be in a situation that a strike helps.”

He went over different ways to punch, how to make a proper fist, how to hit with an open hand instead of a fist, and how to not lose balance when kicking.

“You might notice if you like to keep long nails that you will cut your palms punching with force. You have a few options. Don’t have long nails,”... another few laughs erupts… “hit with an open hand, use an elbow, or accept the fact that a few self-inflicted cuts may be better than the alternative. We want you to practice all of it, because you never know how an altercation is going to go.”

Rose raised her hand, and for some reason Rey thought that it would have annoyed Ben, but it didn’t seem to.

“Yes, Rose?” he asked.

“Why can’t I use my nails as a weapon? Wouldn’t it be better to scratch someone then to punch them?”

“That’s a good question. There is debate, if you will, around self-defense and the use of nails for scratching. I personally don't promote it, at least not alongside regular self-defense techniques, because to truly use your nails and fingers to good effect would involve targeting someone’s eyes and gouging, and I’m not sure most people are up to that. Most people are thinking of using nails to scratch. One school of thought is that any fighting back may discourage an attacker because they want an easy target,” Ben said, his eyes settling on Rey for the first time, making her look away. 

“Personally, I believe this only inflicts a superficial injury, which will only anger a determined attacker. I’d rather you practice hitting and punching and most of all other ways to disable a person using leverage, working on skills that aren’t going to cause superficial injuries like scratches, because you simply can’t know if they will be easily discouraged or not.”

The group digested that, and Finn called from the side of the room, where he was pulling out the night’s equipment.

“However, do what needs to be done, ladies. Give ‘em hell!”

Ben slightly smiled, but continued his introduction.

“You should absolutely do what you feel you can in a self-defense situation. So my advice is, if you try to scratch someone, dig in hard, make them hurt, get DNA for the police report. And if you don’t think you can overpower them any other way from the position you are in, go for the eyes, with your thumbs. You will probably find if you learn many of the techniques we teachhere you can avoid that, should it ever come to it.”

Rey shivered, feeling a little sick to her stomach. The way Ben easily spoke about violence was both bothersome and admirable. It was an odd combination. _Get DNA for a police report._ Ben wasn’t messing around.

He began walking around the room, along with Finn, correcting form after instructing the class to practice with the punching pads Finn had distributed.

He came to Rey, who was practicing punching with each fist in rapid succession. Everyone had partnered with the person next to them, taking turns holding the thick rectangular piece of equipment that took the impact of the hit.

“Your arm is straight. Good,” he commented, and she bristled, but said nothing. “You aren’t swinging wildly out to the side which is a common mistake for newcomers, but you are holding your arms too tightly inward.”

He paced evenly around her, stopping to grab her hips with both hands from behind her.

She flinched, and turned back towards him, a fierce look on her face.

“I was just going to show you how you are likely to lose your balance the way you are leaning forward when you jab,” Ben said, releasing her and stepping back.

She glared at him.

“You took me by surprise.”

“Okay, fair enough. May I?” He held his hands up in a gesture of deference.

“Okay.”

“Just go back to punching. Forget I’m here,” he instructed. Rey’s partner, another petite woman with rosy yet pale skin and french braids woven into her blonde hair, just looked on silently.

Rey tried to focus as well as she had been before, but found it hard under his watchful eye.

She felt him gently grab her torso, a bit higher this time. She felt how her body tried to move forward from the force of her strikes, but his hands wouldn’t let her. He held her in place a moment longer, allowing her to internalize the point he was trying to make, as she continued practicing and worked at holding her body in a strong base.

He let go and walked to face her, scrutinizing the entire time. She would miss the feel of his hands on her𑁋 warmth seeping through her thin tank top𑁋 if she could get past her annoyance that he hadn’t asked in the first place.

“You want to use your core strength to hold good posture while fighting but not hold your arms in so tightly that you are pulling your punches,” he said. “I just wanted to show you that you have to be aware of the rest of your body to stand strong. That also will come up when we practice technique to counter being dragged and pulled.”

“We practice getting dragged and pulled?” 

“Well, not today. But if you keep coming, yes. There are ways to get out of a wrist hold quickly that you should know, and ways to resist being pulled. Other lessons include how to get out of situations in which someone has you by the hair, and things like that.”

“I.., uh, okay,” Rey responded lamely. She hadn’t expected the self-defense class to be so... _pointed._ One thing was certain, she realized, and that was that she’d be able to write about how different the class was from a general class about fighting or martials arts. She made a mental note to ask him if she could observe a different class just to see the difference, but she was already getting an idea.

He demonstrated his stance when striking, and she could see the difference in his movements as he mimicked sloppy form and then proper form.

She nodded at him slightly, and was glad when he moved on to the next group. It was time for her to take the punching shield from her partner, who had introduced herself as Kay, anyway.

Just as Ben was getting everyone’s attention to introduce the main concept for the day’s class, she looked around to see Snap beginning to pack up. She walked towards the back corner to chat with him, happy for a reason to take a mental break.

“Can I see what you got?”

Snap continued packing up without looking at her.

“I’ll send the photos to the editor tomorrow as usual,” he said, dismissing her.

“Oh, ok, I just wanted to see who you got so I can make sure I quote them.”

Snap gestured to his packed camera bag by way of answer.

Rey felt a wave of disappointment, but couldn’t think of any reason to badger him more. They answered to different editors, and those editors communicated with each other to organize the stories and photos. It wasn’t unusual for photographers to work independently from reporters, but some were more collaborative than others.

The class still had over 30 minutes to go, so she resumed her place after writing down a few notes on what they had covered. Kay was now partnered with someone else since Rey had left the mat, and it looked as if everyone was paired up evenly.

Rey stood somewhat uselessly, just watching the other participants. People were practicing dropping to their knees or otherwise trying to wriggle out of their partners’ grasps, after being grabbed from behind by their partner.

Ben strode over to her again.

“Sorry, I lost my partner,” Rey said, somehow feeling like Ben was going to reprimand her like a schoolgirl for stopping for a few minutes. 

“We are covering a bear hug attack, with arms trapped,” Ben said. “We spend time on this one regularly, because it’s one of the most common ways a random attacker targets someone.”

Rey just stared up at him.

“I’ll show you how to get out of it.”

Rey didn’t move. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do really, and she felt stuck in place, like a deer in headlights. He knew he wasn’t kidding when he told her he expected her to participate, but she hadn’t really thought he’d be expecting her to do the _entire_ class. 

Ben looked back at her, trying to determine what to do. Even teaching a self-defense class, he wasn’t really used to Rey’s level of… sheer discomfort.

“Are you ready for me to show you,” he asked slowly, evenly, since Rey hadn’t really responded to him for longer than was usually considered socially acceptable.

Rey took a deep breath, trying to come back to herself. Her mind was stuck in a loop, after he’d said ‘bear hug _attack_ ’. She was fixating on the words, trying to decide what, if anything, they meant to her. 

“Okay,” she tried to say lightly.

“I’m going to grab you from behind,” Ben said, still talking slowly, as if approaching Rey with caution.

“Alright.”

He moved around her, and wrapped his arms around her upper body firmly, but surely without his full strength. At his height, he had to bend down slightly, his voice coming from right behind her ear.

“So, from this position, what do you think to do?”

“I didn’t see the demonstration, I was talking to my photographer.”

“Do the first thing you think of.”

Except Rey _couldn’t_ think. Her heart began beating faster, and she pulled forward, which did nothing. She reached up to pull at his arms outward, to little effect.

“Right, most people will attempt to pull the person’s arms out of the way just like that. But what you can do…” Ben continued, oblivious to Rey’s distress.

“Let me go,” Rey said, in a small voice. 

He loosened his arms, but continued instructing her in what to do to fight her way out of the situation.

“If you drop…”

“I want you to let me go, right now,” Rey said, a little louder. “Please, just let me go.”

His arms dropped to his sides and Rey stepped away from him and turned around. She didn’t want to look at him. She didn’t want to look at anybody. 

“I think I’m going to go,” she said, her words coming out in a rush while she focused on some point on the floor vaguely around where Ben was standing, looking concerned. “Thank you so much for the free class.”

She bolted from the studio, grabbing her bag and notebook, and practically running to her car that was parked on the street.

“You are not going to cry. You are not going to cry. You are not going to cry,” she muttered over and over to herself.

Her hands were very cold, and her lips were tingling, and she knew that at this point she may not be getting enough oxygen to her brain that it was safe to drive home. She also, however, knew what to do, and harnessed all of her mental energy to take deep, cleansing breaths.

“Do four counts, Rey,” she continued talking to herself. “Box breathing.”

One...two... three...four...Hold...one...two...three...four…

Over and over she went. Four counts in. Four counts hold. Four counts out. Four counts hold.

She continued her breathing over and over and over until the feeling began to return to her lips.

Eventually, she saw the rest of the class leaving the studio, and even Finn after another few minutes. Shit. She should have stuck around to see him, at least. She groaned as her forehead hit the steering wheel in frustration.

She felt foolish, and stupid, and irritated that the class triggered so much anxiety. It’s not quite like she can say she had a flashback, or was in an unsafe environment. Yet, a good bit of the class she felt like she was floating around the room, not really able to process it. Not prepared for the ways it made her feel, even though she thought she was.

She was also angry at herself for running out of the class like that. Angry, embarrassed, ashamed, weak, she felt it all. But anger, she preferred. She could work with it, because anger led to determination, and she’d prefer to feel angry above the others.

* * *

Ben was alone with his thoughts, sweeping the mats before disinfecting them as he did every night. His mind drifted back to Rey, continuously replaying the moments just before she ran out of his gym, trying to interpret her reaction. _Ran away from you specifically,_ he thought regretfully. He shook his head, bothered more than he wanted to admit.

A part of him felt bad for upsetting her, and the truth was that he felt partially responsible because usually participants in a class worked with each other, so in a class like this, Rey should have been partnered with a woman, or at least someone more on her level. It wasn’t exactly unusual to work with an instructor for a demonstration either, though. He couldn’t figure out at which point he should have done something different.

She had stood there, unsure and obviously not wanting to ask anyone to let her join. He couldn’t resist pushing her; challenging her to take part, and he chided himself for how much he’d wanted to be the one to do it. He selfishly wanted to show her what he knew, and coax her obvious insecurity into confidence. It didn’t help that she intrigued him in general, either. She was so damn enticing, standing there, looking awkward. He’d just wanted to be… encouraging.

He tried to placate his guilt by reminding himself no one could have predicted she’d get scared and leave abruptly. He wasn’t sure that had ever happened in all his years of teaching the class. 

_But you never pushed anyone to come, either, genius._

He walked into the utility closet off of the main room and put up the broom, mop and cleaners. The last thing he expected to hear was a voice tentatively calling his name; and he was sure it was hers.

* * *

  
  


Rey wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but she was still sitting in her car. She saw the lights of the gym were still on, and she hadn’t seen Ben’s distinctive form leave yet.

She set her mouth, took a final deep breath, and marched back into the building before she could lose her resolve.

Ben was nowhere to be found, but emerged from a back room at the sound of her calling his name.

“What are you doing back here?” he asked, curiously, cocking his head to the side and walking towards her.

She considered apologizing for her inabilities, for freezing up, for acting like a scared little girl. But she didn’t, because what good would it do her to acknowledge her embarrassment. Instead, she soldiered on.

“I’m ready for you to show me what to do,” she announced, convincingly.

Ben stared with an unreadable expression on his face, unsure, his lips downturned in a thoughtful pout. The look on his face was so genuine that it made her want to… _please_ him. Or impress him. Or at least not be such a mess in front of him. 

“I mean, I get the class is over. You don’t have to. I’ll leave,” she stammered. “But if you want to show me, I’m ready now.”

“Sure, Rey.” He said it quietly, simply.

She _hated_ the way he was looking at her now. Cautious, and maybe… disquieted, somehow.

_Fine_ , she thought. _I’ll just have to prove him wrong. I can do this and I’m not going to just break and fall apart._

She walked to meet him on the center of the mats.

He appraised her for a minute, giving a short nod of acknowledgement, and walked around behind her without speaking again, smoothly assuming the position they had been in when she left.

He wrapped his arms around her for the second time that night, and this time she was ready for the feeling of his warm breath against her neck.

“So, instead of pulling at my arms, which is ineffectual but instinctual, try dropping down and wiggling out of my grasp at the same time as thrusting your elbows up sharply. Most people won’t expect the force to come from underneath. You can also imagine a cat trying to get through a small space. Don’t struggle against my arms, just try to make them irrelevant, slip out of them instead of fighting against them.”

She tried wriggling out of his arms, several times, but couldn’t quite get completely out of his tight grasp every time, particularly after he held her tighter each time she succeeded.

“Ok, good. Try twisting around if dropping down alone isn’t working.”

She practiced twisting out of his arms while pushing up swiftly, and her arms were swiftly getting tired, but the physical activity was actually helping with the side effects of her earlier panic.

“Ok, let’s reverse, so I can just demonstrate all the different things you can do.”

He turned his back to her, and she couldn’t help but laugh at how impossibly bigger he is than her.

“I’m not sure this is going to work,” she giggled, her face buried in between his shoulder blades because of the height difference, and her arms a bit low, more around his stomach then his chest. His back was hard against her cheek, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d been close enough to a man, or any person really, to think about how nice whatever soap or cologne he used smelled like.

He turned his head back and looked down at her, happy to see a genuine smile on her face.

“I’ll bend down. Be serious,” he smirked.

He made himself marginally shorter by bending his knees, and Rey tried to ignore how broad his chest was underneath her forearms.

“Ok, from this point, as I drop out of your arms, I can stomp on your foot. I can twist and try to take you down with a kick to the side of your knee, but that’s a bit advanced. I can twist and reach up, and grab an ear and pull hard, which can throw you to the ground. I can twist with a knee to the groin…” 

He continued to rattle on possibilities, while showing her how he’d move to do them, and she tried to take it in. It all sounded so much easier than it actually was to act out in realtime.

“I don’t know if I can remember all that,” Rey sighed.

He turned around and her hands slipped easily off of him.

“Well, that is why you should come regularly, or take martial arts classes of some sort for a long period of time. It’s good to learn anything at all, but in a real situation, practice and repetition are your best bets at keeping yourself safe.”

“Fine, I’ll come every week, Master. I’ll do whatever you tell me,” she said, looking up at him and plastering a big fake smile. “Can I practice on you for a few minutes?”

He swallowed thickly, his eyes dark.

“You, uh, don’t have to call me Master. That’s not a thing here.” He is looking at her guardedly. “But yes, we can practice for ten more minutes, and then I’ll close up.”

She doesn’t apologize for keeping him. He was the one who insisted she come to this damn class anyway, though she does have the manners to thank him.

“Okay, let’s go again, then,” he answered.

He hugged her from behind again, and this time she found she could work harder at wriggling down and out, just from feeling how his body had moved inside her arms when the situation was reversed. She mostly practiced stomping on his foot and pushing his arms up while she twisted, and it gave her a goal to focus on while she tried to get free.

The ten minutes turned into twenty. They’d found a comfortable rhythm together, her newfound focus not allowing her to freeze up again, and Ben seemed to be the most himself when he was giving instructions and talking about his passion, she thought.

“It’s getting late, Rey,” Ben said, glancing up at the clock on the back wall. You’ll be sore tomorrow, even if you don’t feel it now.”

It was true; her legs felt like lead from essentially squatting over and over, and her abs were tired of twisting back and forth and wriggling around with him at her back. She reluctantly turned around and stepped back to a socially acceptable distance.

“I had no idea this would be such a workout, actually. No wonder fighters look like they do,” Rey blurted out.

Ben laughed.

“You should try kick-boxing or Jiu Jitsu. You’ll work every muscle you have. The self-defense class is light.”

“Hopefully I won’t regret this tomorrow morning. Sunday is my rock-climbing day, when the paper doesn’t interfere.”

“Rock-climbing. That makes sense.” He hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but he hadn’t been able to help noticing that her muscles seemed more toned than he expected.

“As opposed to parasailing, which wouldn’t make sense?” she asked, trying to understand what he was getting at.

“Yes. Exactly.”

A puzzled expression flitted across her face, but he just smirked at her.

She found herself wanting nothing more than to stay and talk to him all evening𑁋 to pick his brain and find out everything about him. She shook herself out of _that_ line of thinking. _You were supposed to be here doing your job, Rey._

“Okay, thanks again. I’ll work on your article. Participating certainly does help me understand the class more, so I guess you were right about that,” she said, trying to sound professional, before walking towards the door backwards. 

“It’s late, how far away are you parked?” he asked. The one hour class had started at 6 p.m. and it was after 8.

“It’s fine, it’s just there, a few spaces down,” she said, gesturing to the right of the door. “I only live a few blocks away actually, but I drove tonight since I knew it would get dark.”

“Rey?”

She turned, holding the door halfway open.

“I’ll see you at the next class then?”

“Okay, sure. Bye!”

She bolted to her car for the second time that evening. When she glanced back towards the gym while she fit her key in the car door, she could see him, tall and dark with the fluorescent lights shining out behind him about 50 feet away. He stood with the door halfway open, waiting until she was safely in her car to go back inside, a statuesque sentinel guarding the street.

“Well, this was a fucking weird night,” she muttered, putting her car in drive.

She made it home quickly, since her apartment building was on the outskirts of one side of downtown, and trudged up the stairs to the second floor. 

After she entered her home she threw her things down on the table by the door, suddenly exhausted in every way; mentally, physically, emotionally. She was greeted by the familiar and welcome sight of her long-haired Syrian hamster, Chewie.

She walked over to his cage and sat down on the chair beside him, pulling the lid off and letting him walk onto her hand.

“Hey there, little guy,” she said to him, scrunching her nose and letting his whiskers brush her face.

“You don’t care if I’m a mess right, Chews?” she sighed.

Chewie continued to sniff the air, so she pulled out a sunflower seed from the bag beside his cage, and curled up to watch something so that he could get some attention. 

“Don’t let me fall asleep without putting you up,” Rey told him.

He began grooming his orange fluffy fur in response after stuffing his seed in his cheek for safe keeping. She rolled her neck around, and leaned back to try to relax, while her pesky internal monologue processed the day.

**Major Freakout? Just Breathe and Keep It Moving**

**Self-Defense Class: The Epic Fail of the Week**

**Ten Tips on Staying Professional When Pressed Up Against Your Crush**

**Hamsters are a Girl’s Best Friend: Just Ask Chrissy Teigen**

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear hug attacks are hard, yall, so don't take this skimpy discussion as anything authoritative. Ben is an MMA fighter, so he's going to be influenced by Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in my world. It's an interesting world IRL, actually, though only a few of the Gracie brothers are interested in teaching BJJ to women. It's a recent change, in the past few decades, one that many of the uncles of the huge Gracie family were against. Watch videos by Eve Torres and her husband Rener Gracie if a move I am attempting to describe doesn't make sense, or better yet, do the Women Empowered Program they developed. I'm going to do my best to describe the moves well throughout the story. But, of course, it's all just for fun here :) 
> 
> And I really did write an article once on a free women's self defense class and the instructor *insisted* I participate. He was no Ben Solo though, and I was already married, but that happened. It was a Tai Chi class, offered in conjuction with a woman who gave a seminar on the book "The Gift of Fear". Another thing to read if the general topic of defending oneself and trusting your inner instincts is on your mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Monday at work went quickly for Rey. 

The headquarters of Rey’s newspaper was located in a building on the block that had been housing the local newspaper since it had originated a century before. _The Republic_ had survived from the time when cities often had a morning newspaper and an evening newspaper competing for exposure, and was the result of the merger of two dailies, _Rebel News_ and _The Empire,_ in the 1970’s. Rey always wondered if the powers that be simply could not agree on which name to keep when the papers merged.

The original building had been renovated and added to over the years, and as a junior reporter Rey’s desk was in the large newer addition full of cubicles. The paper operated its own offset printing press, but all of that equipment was in the old part of the building that Rey glanced at from time to time when she’d head to the breakroom. 

She found the huge contraption that worked through the night to print the next day’s paper a fascinating window into the evolution of engineering. The original press, an ancestor from _The Empire,_ was enclosed in an expensive looking glass case in the shiny, presentable lobby𑁋 a room that was a far cry from the cubicles, archives and enormous modern press, made for the business side of things, a place where potential advertisers might wait for an appointment. 

People rarely thought about the workers who kept the huge machine running. Equally as fascinating to her as the sheer complicated workings and size of the press itself was the well-oiled machine made up of the handful of workers that got no recognition as being a part of the important community function of a newspaper. They didn’t get bylines. They didn’t get titles. Yet they ran this incredible machine that had the sole aim of bringing people information. Rey identified with the people rarely thought of, because she knew that every nobody _was_ somebody.

Most of the reporters didn’t socialize with the people from the back. No one was rude, to be sure, but they were two entirely different sections of one big organization, and they hardly interacted yet they worked together to produce just one thing, every day of the week.

Rey was happy that her cube, lost among the others, was in a back corner near the door to the archives room, still called the ‘morgue’. She was known to slip into the morgue and thumb through the old files full of pictures and clippings. The smell of aging newsprint was comforting to her. It was like stepping back in time, before one could sift through information from a search engine. It was another ancestor still living somehow amongst the modern paper that more and more people read simply by loading it from their chosen electronic device. 

She sat at her cubicle after eating lunch at her desk, stretching her hands as far above her head as she could.

Earlier that morning, she hadn’t been too happy with her article on the martial arts studio, so she left it while she caught up on other assignments. Looking at it a second time, she realized she needed more information on the instructor’s backgrounds. It felt like the article was lacking depth.

Her mind made up, she grabbed her purse and decided to ambush Ben and Finn before their first classes started in the evening, during what should be their open gym hours. She was dressed more casually today, in well-fitting jeans, red flats, and a loose fitting black top, since she didn’t have any face-to-face interviews to conduct. 

* * *

She strode into the gym as if she was meant to be there and they’d been expecting her.

There were people, entirely men except a tall, striking blond woman that caught her eye, sparring or working out with the equipment that sat at the right end of the long rectangular space.

She zeroed in on Ben, stopping to observe when no one realized she had walked in, every person absorbed in their workouts. He was doing pull-ups on a bar anchored from the high ceiling. His back was to her, but his wavy hair and sheer size gave him away. She watched his arm muscles work as he pulled himself up repeatedly and idly wondered what his back muscles looked like flexing under his shirt.

She remembered the first time she’d done a pull-up, how proud of herself she’d been. She hadn’t worked towards it persay, but always admired people that could do them. It seemed like some type of generally accepted fitness benchmark. Her rock-climbing hobby was to thank for her ability to do just a few at a time. Still, it made her feel strong, even if her abilities were nothing like the man pumping out one after the other 30 feet or so away from her.

She tore her eyes away and watched the people sparring in an effort to convince herself she wasn’t preoccupied with ogling a certain instructor that she had conflicting feelings about.

Finn was, of course, the first to see her, characteristically yelling her name across the entire room. Ben dropped down, and whipped around to find her standing by the counters at the front of the room.

They both approached her, Finn speaking first.

“What brings you here, sunshine?”

Rey shook her head slightly at him, but smiled, as per usual. 

“I needed a few more details on you two, actually. I’ve got the information on the where and when, and quotes from the participants, but I didn’t really get any good background information on either of you except for your qualifications.”

“You know my story, Rey,” Finn said with a shrug.

“Well, sure, as a friend, but what do you want me to say as far as that goes, and what made you get into martial arts?”

“Say I’m a foster kid who found martial arts at an afterschool program, Rey. I don’t really care much. Say I grew up in a group home. It’s the truth. Just don’t turn me into a sappy success story of an ‘at-risk’ poor youth.”

Rey gives half scoff, half laugh.

“Seriously,” she muttered, jotting down things in her notebook. “You know I’d be the last to do that.”

“Eh, maybe,” he grinned. “You got more hangups about it than I do, babe.”

She ignored that.

“When and why did you get into martial arts, then? What made you choose this as a career?”

“I took the Kung Fu classes offered to us in high school. It did me good, not having a lot of role models talking to me about dealing with life and all. I met Luke Skywalker who came to the group home to talk to us about martial arts and discipline and channeling our feelings and all that. He basically let me go to his school for years, even though it was a short afterschool program he did once.”

“The name Skywalker sounds vaguely familiar. You never told me you did martial arts all the way back since high school. How did I not know any of that?”

“Well, in college I wasn’t training. I got back into it after you… you know, disappeared. Not because of that, but when I realized what I wanted to do. And that’s when I learned Muay-Thai, which isn’t what Skywalker does.”

“Disappeared, changed majors, whatever. Sooooooo dramatic,” she teased, but it was a front for her feelings of remorse. She flicked her eyes over to Ben, who was staring right at her as usual, showing Finn that she wasn’t comfortable talking about herself in front of him.

Finn picked up on it, of course, because he still knew her that well. Rey never talked about Rey. He gave her a few more useful quotes about what martial arts meant to him, and how he used the knowledge from his physical therapy degree in keeping his students practicing as safely as possible.

“I still practice physical therapy part time during the mornings, at a rehab facility, actually.”

“See, I didn’t know that either.” Rey continued to write. “Okay, I’m done with you.”

Finn put his hands over his chest dramatically. 

“Oh, you wound me, as usual,” he said, and jerked his head towards the mats. “I’ll get back to it then.”

Rey turned to Ben.

“What do you know about Luke Skywalker?” he asked abruptly.

“Oh, uh, nothing. I’ve seen the last name _somewhere_ . I knew someone that knew him, maybe, at the paper," she said, her face scrunching up in confusion. "What do _you_ know about Skywalker?”

“It’s not relevant.”

“It’s not? You don’t know him from his martial arts school like Finn?”

“He does traditional Chinese martial arts. We do mixed martial arts. It’s not the same.”

Rey silently mused on how different Ben Solo’s mannerisms were when you were trying to ask him questions to when he was commanding his class.

“Okay, I thought you did traditional Chinese martial arts as well.” When Ben fails to elaborate, she continues. “What about your family? Where are you from?”

“You didn’t ask Finn where he was from.”

Rey sighed.

“You know good and well he doesn’t know any more about where he’s from than what he and I just talked about. Anything I didn’t ask I already know because he and I have history.”

“History.” 

Ben said the word as if he was weighing whether or not it should be a statement or a question.

Rey made an exasperated noise.

“Yes, Ben. You were there the other day. You know this. You would know everything I do, anyway. Aren’t you two besties or something? You went into business together.”

“I don’t use words like besties.”

Ben subconsciously made his way closer to Rey while they spoke. She had been leaning against the counter top while speaking to Finn and now he was mirroring her, only a foot or so away, his elbows bending back from his hands gripping the ledge. It enabled him to look out on the workout area rather than meeting her eyes while they spoke. It’s possible he liked how this gave him a chance to stand close to her, but he wouldn’t admit it.

“Well, you are closer than business associates?”

“That works.”

Rey couldn’t help but to laugh at least a little.

“You really have a way with words, Mr. Solo. I bet you make people blush with your glowing compliments. You and Finn certainly _appear_ to be more than business associates.”

“Fine, we’re friends. I don’t guess I realized he didn’t know where his parents were from.”

“How could he, Ben?” She cocked her head up to him, and asked genuinely, her tone a quiet advocacy for someone she had considered found family. 

She knew Ben didn’t mean anything by it, and she knew Finn didn’t want to be felt sorry for any more than she did. But it still irritated her, even if in a small way, when people didn’t at least think through what it meant to not have any knowledge or access to a family. It wasn’t rocket science to figure out that at least _some_ percentage of foster kids had no idea how they ended up where they did.

He turned his head to the side at the change in her tone and looked at her thoughtfully.

“Right. Of course. I mean, I did know that, I guess.” He still seemed unsure, as if maybe he’d never considered there was more to Finn’s story, or lack thereof, than he knew. He couldn’t remember ever directly asking.

“Okay. So, back to the question, what got you interested in martial arts, and where are you from? Here?”

“What I do now, what the story is about, isn’t related to how I got into martial arts. And I’m not from anywhere. I grew up all over. Here is just…. Where I ended up. I guess I’m from here. I guess my family kind of is.”

“Okay. That’s… not convoluted sounding,” she muttered, her gaze on her notebook. She didn’t bother asking for clarification because she doubted she would get it, so instead phrased her inquiry differently..

“What’s the difference between what you do now, maybe specifically with the self-defense class, and how you got into martial arts?”

He gave her another sidelong glance, his palms still resting on the edge of the counter.

“I got into martial arts because my uncle teaches it, and my parents thought it would be... good for me,” he said, choosing his words carefully. “What I do now is... different. I’ve made a living out of it, and the time I spent as a competitive fighter… has more to do with my life than any reasons I was practicing martial arts with my uncle.”

“What kind of martial arts did he teach? Must have been Kung Fu based on your certifications?”

“Yes.”

“Where was that?”

“It was nearby. At my uncle’s place.”

“Hmm. Okay. How did you switch from traditional martial arts to actual fighting and MMA?”

“Just say I used to be a fighter. It’s not a big deal.”

Rey pressed on.

“Did you fight in the UFC? Were you good?”

“I won matches, and yes.”

“Good enough to get endorsements?”

“I got a few.”

“Why did you quit?”

“I got too old.”

“How old are you?”

“How old are _you_?”

Rey shook her head and smiled, but honestly, could he make this any harder?

“I’m 25.”

Ben’s head turns sharply towards her, again. 

“25? Wow. I thought you were… older.”

Rey wrinkled her nose, turning fully and crooking a finger to Ben, to urge him to come closer.

He instinctively leaned in, despite himself, and he was close enough to fully see the green flecks peeking out behind the brown colors in her eyes.

“Hey, Ben dearest, pro-tip. Don’t tell women you think they are older than they are. They’ll have no choice but to think that means they aren’t aging gracefully or some other negative interpretation,” she said, in a syrupy sweet voice.

Ben rolled his eyes at having fallen for her serious demeanor, and leaned back against the counter.

“I didn’t say anything about what you _looked_ like. You could probably look _younger_ than 25, if you tried.”

“Are you done?”

“Doing what?”

“Changing the subject off of you?”

Ben scoffed.

“I wasn’t--”, he trailed off, deciding not to bother.

“I just have one more anyway, there isn’t _actually_ space for the life story you seem to think I’m trying to obtain. How did you meet Finn?”

“You already know.”

Rey flipped through her notebook, reading her own notes.

“What? No, I don’t see𑁋”

“You need to brush up on your investigative instincts.”

“I don’t do investigative pieces. I wouldn’t mind it though,” she shot back, ignoring his dig.

“We met doing martial arts. Finn was first exposed to martial arts through Luke Skywalker, and came to seek him out when he wanted to start training again. We began training together for fun, after he met me through Luke.”

“But you actually didn’t say whether or not you knew Skywalker. For all I know you were asking me what I knew about Skwalker because he’s competition.”

“There _is_ no competition,” Ben said rolling his eyes. “But this is fun.”

She looked up from her notebook.

“What is?”

“Watching you not put together the obvious.”

Rey smacked her notebook down playfully onto the counter and crossed her arms, staring him down. They turned, both facing each other fully now, Ben towering above her now that he wasn’t slouching. His arm muscles were on full display as he crossed them over his chest.

_Stars, I could stare this man down forever_ , she thought. _Or I could kiss that arrogant prick smirk off his face._

She blushed at her ridiculous thoughts, and then it clicked.

“Luke Skywalker is your uncle?”

“Ding ding ding.” He reached one hand out to… do something… punch her arm playfully? He wasn’t sure what, but he pulled his arm back quickly. Ben Solo wasn’t _playful_.

She took a step back anyway, and grabbed her notebook, going back to writing.

“Why didn’t you just say that?”

“I told you that already, too. It’s not relevant.”

“Yes, a close family member who lives locally and got you started in at least _some_ form of martial arts and is the reason you met your business partner is entirely irrelevant to the article I’m writing on you as a martial artist for the local newspaper providing a service to the local community.”

“Correct.”

She gave him one more long exasperated glance, and thought over everything he’d said to her since this began.

“So what happened with Skywalker? Have anything to do with your reasons for running this class?”

Ben narrowed his eyes, disconcerted, and she had her small victory.

“What? Nothing. And I never said they were related.”

“Yet, clearly there is something about Skywalker you wish not to talk about.”

“There isn’t.”

“Okay,” she responded lightly.

“I𑁋 I told you I offer the class because it’s the right thing to do. It’s our community service, if you will.”

She flipped back several pages in her notebook, and pretended to peruse.

“Ah yes, you are correct, here it is from our first meeting. Solo says he offers the class because it’s the right thing to do and every man that’s ever entered his dojo fully agrees. He has no personal reasons whatsoever to offer his extensive expertise in this field in which he makes his money. It’s just his pure, altruistic, prize-fighting heart.”

“Has anyone ever told you you badger people? And we don’t really use the term dojo, even if some people do. That’s a Japanese designation, although it seems to be being used for all kinds of things now.”

“Ok, Sensei.”

“That’s not what I’m called,” he said, and rolled his eyes at her ignorance.

She laughed, but knew he wasn’t wrong. 

“Okay, truly. I’m sorry. I won’t use the wrong terms in the article, don’t worry.”

“Don’t use the wrong terms at all. Each martial art should be respected as from the unique place it comes from. _We_ just happen to be MMA here, so we don’t generally claim a strict tradition, with our various specialties that I assume you have listed correctly.”

Rey wasn’t thin-skinned, so she bit her tongue and chose not to retort that her attention to detail would be as excellent as it always was. She continued writing every word he said, as was her way, even though she knew they’d moved beyond the scope of the article. 

“So, just out of curiosity, which influenced you more? The traditional Chinese martials arts you did with your uncle, or something else?”

“That’s easy. Not my uncle,” he said before he could stop himself. “Brazillian Jiu Jitsu, naturally. I fought in the UFC. I learned grappling. You don’t get there practicing forms with traditionalists. You just don’t.”  
  


She absorbed that, and her notebook made a soft thwap as she shut it and reached to grab her purse from the counter.

“Alright, I’m done _badgering_ you. And I think I got what I needed. Thanks for taking the time to speak with me. I’m sorry if I interrupted your workout.”

She returned to her business persona and tried not to think about why she so easily let it slip away around this man.

“It’s okay. I’m happy to help.” 

_This is you being happy to help,_ Rey thought, but doesn’t say, because… business persona back in place.

“I was hoping to stay and observe a regular class, also? Just to help me get a sense of how it is different from the class I went to,” she blurted out. “Would that be okay?”

Ben tried not to think about how he actually _wasn’t_ annoyed at being interrupted during his personal workout time before classes began, and how very much okay it was for her to stay and watch him while he taught a class. Watch _the_ _class_ , he corrected himself.

“Sure, just don’t be obtrusive,” he said curtly. “We’ve got a class at 6 you can come to.”

He turned around swiftly, leaving Rey’s head spinning at their interactions.

* * *

Rey returned to the gym that evening, heading there straight from work as she had done earlier in the day. There was space around the mats for chairs to be set up when the gym hosted small competitions, and _someone_ had pulled a few chairs out and set them by the office door at some point, so Rey figured that was as good a place to park as any. She was about 10 minutes late, somewhat on purpose, so that she could slip in after the participants were preoccupied with the night’s class, which was Brazillian Jiu Jitsu. 

The participants seemed to be finishing a rigorous warm up looking at their heightened breathing, and they moved on to performing things called “breakfalls” and “shrimping”.

No one wore traditional gis, she noticed, instead the class wearing a mix of workout pants and gi pants with t-shirts.

She was fascinated by the sheer physicality it took to perform even the breakfalls, as people rolled back and forth ending in a standing position without pushing off of their arms if they could. She idly wondered if her ab muscles couldn’t benefit just from the _warm up_ to a class. Some people’s movements were cleaner than others, and some clearly had more physical strength or size, but everybody was working hard.

The class moved onto practicing mount, guard and side mount positions and something called the Americana armlock. It was different from the self-defense class in that there was less instruction coming from Ben about why one might be in a certain position. It wasn’t about self-defense at all of course, but it became obvious to Rey how useful anything they were doing would be for just about anyone; whether their goal was self-defense or working their body or what.

She was surprised she found it so interesting and non-threatening actually, though she wasn’t keen on the thought of participating towards the end of the class, as everyone moved to partnering up and sparring, trying to get their partner to tap out. 

Ben was there, ever watchful, his intent gaze and focus something to behold. Before she knew it, the class was over, and people packed their things and said their goodbyes. Rey pulled out the pamphlet Ben had given her the first day, rereading the different types of classes they offered. She wanted to observe them all now and pin down the differences between this and something like Muay-Thai or Judo, but figured she had pushed her luck on asking to come and observe this one as it was.

She was hoping her perusal gave her an excuse to sit a minute longer to see if Ben would come to speak to her after everyone else left. Her efforts were in vain, because there were still a few people taking longer than she felt she could sit there pretending to be preoccupied.

_Just get over it and walk over there,_ she chided herself, and she found the confidence to do just that.

Ben and a seasoned student were discussing some other technique Rey hadn’t heard of yet, but Ben faced her when she approached with an air of formality.

“DJ, this is Rey Johnson, she came to observe the class tonight after writing an article on the self-defense class.”

DJ stuck out his hand to shake hers and she obliged.

“Lovely to meet you Ms. Johnson,” DJ said with a flowery nod of his head. He looked to be a bit older than many of the participants, and spoke with the slightest stutter. “I hope you enjoyed your observations.”

Rey suppressed a smile at his mannerisms.

“I did, it’s very interesting.”

“Perhaps we shall see you again in the future, then.” He turned to Ben, and acknowledged him with another nod. “Until next time, Mr. Solo.”

He left, leaving Ben and Rey the only people in the gym. She assumed it was because tonight was Ben’s class, so Finn must be somewhere else.

“You make your students call you Mr. Solo?” She cocked her head to the side.

“No, that’s just DJ. He’s….” his voice trailed off.

“Yeah, I can tell,” she replied, smiling.

“So, what _did_ you think of the class?”

“I liked it. It was really different from the other one, wasn’t it?”

“They are different, but are built on the same foundation. You’ll see.”

“Oh, I will? See?”

“Sure, if you keep coming.”

“I do have to admit it makes me wonder about all of this stuff now. I don’t know why I never thought about learning something like this,” she said, brushing her hair back out of her face. “Anyway, what makes you think I want to keep coming, hmm?”

“I want you to keep coming, Rey,” Ben blurted out, sounding far too intense, and then mentally kicked himself.

“Oh, really? Are you sure I won’t be too _obtrusive_?”

“You behaved just fine this time. Why don’t you come to one of my classes? Try it out?” He pressed, smirking.

Rey scoffed at the word _behaved,_ but her mind was on a more sobering subject.

“I think… I think I’ll come to the self-defense class again. I don’t know about sparring at the end of the class with a bunch of men. There weren’t any women here tonight that I could pair up with.”

Ben sighed.

“We _do_ have female students, although none were here tonight. But you know, even if you came on a night like tonight and no other women showed up, it’d be fine. Everybody in the class is on a level playing field.”

“Hmm. I think I’ll just see you Saturday.”

“Okay, Rey. We are happy to have you.”

She bade him goodnight as they walked to the front together.

He found himself staring off after her as she slipped out the door. He was _not_ thinking about how she looked just as good in her jeans as she did in her skirt the first time they met, or as she did in her workout clothes the second time. _You are so fucked, Solo,_ he groaned to himself, and began his cleanup routine.

* * *

The next morning, Rey was finishing up her last edit on the self-defense class story and was glad to be nearly done.

“Alright...That should have been the lede the whole time,” she murmured to her workstation computer as she moved a few sentences to the top of the document. 

Her monitor was silver and dark blue, and had old white peeling decals stubbornly affixed along the top reading R2-D2, to identify it to the IT staff. Talking to her computer while she worked was an odd habit that carried over from when she talked to things as she fixed them as a kid. _What a lonely kid_ , she thought, and not for the first time _._ She ignored her inner voice and continued talking to her computer instead.

“Let’s put you up there. And you down there…” 

She highlighted, cut, copied and pasted quotes from her interviews so that they told the story the way she wanted.

She took a drink out of the sunshine yellow coffee cup she’d treasured since she found it at a thrift store as a teen, skimming the article from start to finish. The mug had a rainbow cutting across the yellow on one side, and she’d brought it all the way from England, unwilling to part with it.

She saved the file and shared it on the appropriate drive, moving onto the next story that needed polishing, one about a class offered at the senior center on woodcarving, and working steadily through the day on setting up interviews for other upcoming stories.

Finally, it was 5 p.m. and she headed to the employee lounge to wash her cup and pick up her lunch container. She ran into Snap, as well as her editor, Amilynn who were working later than her.

“Rey! The pictures Snap got of you are amazing! That must have been some fun class,” Amilynn said, pouring herself a late cup of coffee. 

“Pictures of me? What?” 

“Of the class you did. The self-defense class,” Amilyn answered, airily, unaware it mattered to Rey. “That teacher is one tall drink of water, huh?”

Rey ignored that, turning to Snap.

“I thought you were going to take pictures of the other participants. We got all of their names,” her surprise and annoyance evident in her tone.

Amilyn brushed a light purple wisp of hair out of her face. She kept just a few streaks of lavender in her naturally blond hair, a small bit of rebellion that she could get away with while still being read as professional, since she could tuck it back when needed.

“The pictures are good, Rey. It’s going to be a feature piece on the front of the Saturday _Life_ section, so in this case it’s fine. Don’t worry so much.”

“The front? On Saturday?” Rey practically squealed.

“It was good. You really brought it to life, I actually read it right after you turned it in,” Amilyn said, breezing right back out of the room.

“Can I see the pictures, Snap?” Rey asked, turning to him, where he was still sitting at a breakroom table.

“I’ll send you some,” he muttered, and rose to leave the room as well.

_Photogs_ , Rey thought, and tried not to roll her eyes.

She resisted the urge not to skip back to her desk, however, because the powers that be liked her piece enough for it to be on the front of her section, and on her section's biggest day. She would have to stomach the thought of her face across the front of the paper, because her byline would also be there, and she’d never complain about that.

The self-defense article back at the front of her mind after running into Amilynn, she mused on how she couldn’t figure Ben Solo out. He must have told her he wanted her to come to his class every time he’d seen her, but maybe that was just because he was a good businessman? Maybe it was all PR for the article? He was so hard to read otherwise, and was so guarded. _Know anyone else like that, Rey?_

She decided not to dwell on it, and drove home feeling light, suddenly impatient for Saturday to come. The headlines her brain concocted for this day were slightly less irritating than usual. 

**The Win You Needed This Week**

**How to Win That Verbal Sparring Match**

**Get Ready For Your Closeup**

**What To Do When Your Crush Runs Hot and Cold**

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While doing this chapter, I found this super cool and interesting page where 3 fighters of Asian descent talk about clothing in MMA and the use of vaguely Asian symbols, and Star Wars even gets mentioned! The line between homage and disrespect is always something to try to find, and our dear Ben in this story probably isn't motivated by that as much as he wants to distance himself from Luke, but is also... exact and accurate in anything he does, and THAT actually does lead to more respectful cultural exchange. He's not the kind of guy that is trying to be anything other than what he is. This is only tangentially related to this chapter, but it was one of 100 things I've probably read about while writing this story and I thought I'd pass it along. https://dynastyclothingstore.wordpress.com/2016/02/05/cultural-misappropriation-in-bjj-mma-designs-in-depth-breakdown/
> 
> This video is interesting, and it's not directly on sexism/female representation in martial arts, but just reading the comments section and seeing how women talk about how they are treated at one gym to another, and then the wildly sexist comments from men about whether or not the women in their lives *should be allowed* to do martial arts boggles my mind. Not only is the martial arts world sometimes sexist, it's totally binary, and definitely not welcoming *in general* to all gender expressions. I really hope more gyms/academies/dojos try to be more inclusive. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K18ASwFGFPc&t=39s My take on it is if a man can be that close to another man's body and stay profesh, you don't truly respect other genders' bodies if you can't do the same with them. 
> 
> Also, this one has women speaking on their experience at gyms a little bit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pndPbpHLpos


	4. Chapter 4

Rey left _The Republic’s_ headquarters with a stack of newspapers tucked under one arm. It was a warm spring evening, a welcome change, and she was headed straight to the MMA gym armed with extra copies should people want them. It was her luck that her apartment, the gym, and the newspaper all orbited the heart of downtown, making the possibility of frequenting the gym more often something she was considering.

She was not as nervous as she thought she’d be about going to the class a second time. Ben had a way of setting her at ease yet also engaging her; maybe this time she’d be able to push through if something made her uncomfortable. Even when he was unknowingly pushing her buttons when all they were doing was talking, she was realizing there wasn’t anywhere else she wanted to be. No one at her job or in any other area of her life made her _wake up_ from her life like he did.

Maybe at first it hurt when the things confronted by the class made her think of the many times in her life that she’d been unable to defend herself. She knew one thing and one thing only; she wasn’t going to run to her car again. It hurt her _more_ to feel like she was running away from a challenge, and this time she’d be ready.

Also swirling around her head as she found a parking space was the fact that Rey hoped Ben and Finn would be happy with what she’d written. It was odd; usually a reporter was lucky enough not to be worried _personally_ if something didn’t like an article. And news articles, even features, were mostly straightforward. But at least she was confident in her abilities as a reporter, and not worried she’d misunderstood anything she wrote about.

She assumed they’d already procured copies of the Saturday paper on their own, and it wasn’t common to take a person a copy of the paper just because they’d been interviewed. But, she figured she might be getting to know some of these people better if she continued with the class, and that it would be a nice thing to do. It _certainly_ wasn’t because everytime her mind had time to wander she mused on if Ben specifically would want extra copies. Surely, he had family, or some significant other, that would want to see his gym getting coverage?

She walked into the gym, this time wearing an old fitted black t-shirt and peach workout leggings she’d gotten on sale. She usually wasn’t one for bright colors, but a sale is a sale.

“Rey!” 

Finn approached her almost immediately, and picked her up in his arms, spinning her around.

“Finn, put me down,” she giggled.

“The article was great. Everybody loved it,” he said, setting her back down.

She exaggerated straightening her clothes back out.

“You really are too much sometimes, Finn.”

“I’m too much all the time, Rey.”

A deep voice comes from somewhere behind her.

“Truer words have never been spoken, Finn,” Ben said.

Rey whirled around, her heartbeat picking up just a bit.

“I was just telling Rey here how much we all loved the article,” Finn said.

She looked up at Ben expectantly, holding her breath.

“So, you think I’m intense?” Ben smirked.

Rey felt her cheeks heat up. She had been childishly hoping for praise, but she got a teasing call out.

_“The school is run by two partners who appear to be as different as night and day, which serves to add diversity and enriches the lessons taught during the self defense class. Cheerful Muay Thai instructor Finn Trooper and intense Ben Solo, who studied Brazillian Jiu Jitsu as well as other martial arts for years before opening the school, are both on hand, bouncing off of one another easily while explaining reasoning and techniques... ”_ she had written.

Finn saved her from responding.

“No one in the galaxy _doesn’t_ think you are intense, cupcake,” Finn supplied, and Ben frowned slightly, reluctantly tearing his eyes away from Rey to acknowledge Finn’s comment and pretend to glare.

As usual, people were already milling about, so Rey set down her bag and went to give out copies of the article to anyone that had been quoted or pictured.

Amilynn had chosen several pictures for the story to publish, making a spread instead of using just one. There was a large shot on the right that demanded the viewer’s attention and two smaller ones stacked on top of each other on the left. Those included one of Kay and Rose, who looked at their pictures with good-natured smiles on their faces.

The large one featured Rey, a determined look on her face throwing a punch towards the punching pad Kay had been holding that night. The back of Kay’s head is visible in the corner of the shot, but to the side stands Ben, looking serious, scrutinizing Rey’s handiwork. She can admit it’s a good shot, because it shows Ben in his element as well as a focused student. She was startled by the fact that she hadn’t even realized Snap had been standing where he must have been to take it. It _almost_ made her feel powerful looking at it, knowing the inner turmoil she had felt just before that moment, after Ben had grabbed her waist. _Fake it ‘til you feel it,_ she thought.

She set the rest of the stack of papers she had left on the counters in the front of the studio, as it’s 6 p.m. and time to start.

Ben began the class the same way, going over proper punching, hitting with the palm, and kicking, and then Finn jumped in.

“Last week we neglected to mention something we often talk about, and that is to remember your voice. Some of us are uncomfortable being loud, and taking up space, but remember that an attacker may be a coward at heart. Be as loud as possible if and when someone approaches you and makes you uncomfortable. It’s better to be rude if you read a situation wrong than to be in danger. Many self-defense programs ask that you practice yelling each and every time you practice escape techniques that are mimicking situations of surprise or being pulled, grabbed or dragged.”

The specificity of the class again doesn’t fail to hit Rey in her core, but it's clear to her now that it is one of its strengths.

“So, let’s practice that. I want all of you to yell. Yell the word ‘no’, yell ‘leave me alone’, just shout without saying anything𑁋 that’s up to you,” Ben instructed. “And don’t feel shy about making noise at any time while we practice.”

Just a few voices were heard around the room, maybe the women that had done this before, Rey mused.

“I can’t hear you!” Finn shouted.

A chorus of noise followed, with Rey finally joining in. It’s weird at first, but in the end liberating.

“We aren’t going to let someone in our space that we don’t want there. One more yell, people,” Finn said, almost in the manner of a sports coach hyping up athletes before a game.

Rey found herself smiling in spite of the odd exercise.

After everyone settled down, Ben continued.

“Also, eye contact. An attacker wants you to be shy and meek. If a man makes you uncomfortable, make eye contact with him. Let him know you have fully seen his face and noticed him. Maybe he’d never do anything, maybe he just enjoys your discomfort, maybe you are reading the situation wrong. In the end, it doesn’t matter. Be assertive.”

That one gave Rey pause. She thought of herself as athletic, outgoing and mostly confident. But she reflected on how when she walked downtown, she moved quickly and cast her eyes down rather than looking at anyone or responding to anything that made her feel intruded upon. Did that make her seem meek? _Was_ that being meek? Had she seemed like an easy target in the past? Wouldn't responding make things worse in some situations?

Her thoughts scattered, unresolved, as the class spent began to focus on the main move for the night.

“Often, people fear the hypothetical situation of walking alone and being assaulted. The truth is, of course, that the ‘scary man in the bushes’ is the least likely of assault scenarios, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen, or that the skills used can’t apply in other situations. Tonight’s move can be useful in any situation, whether the danger is coming from a stranger that has maneuvered you to the ground, an intimate partner, or an acquaintance. It can be even harder to mentally prepare for violence from someone you know, so practicing general assertiveness is still important.”

Ben walked back and forth at a steady pace in front of the eight other people attending the class as he spoke.

“With all scenarios in mind, let’s move on to what to do if someone is already on top of you in what we call mount position, and has a hold of your wrists,” Ben said.

Ben and Finn demonstrated the technique on each other step by step and then encouraged everyone to pair up, much like the last class. There was an odd number of participants this time, and Rey stood awkwardly, without a partner.

Finn was kneeling on the ground helping Rose position herself correctly with Kay, while Ben was walking around glancing at others, very slowly making his way over to where she stood.

“Odd one out again,” Rey supplied.

“Okay, well, on the floor then.”

Rey felt a spike of irritation, albeit small, at being ordered around, and reminded herself that this was _his_ class. He just seemed to trigger her ire for some reason, the way he commanded people. Or her. Or something.

“Okay, Professor,” she smiled sweetly and began to move. Rey had read that sometimes Brazilian Jiu Jitsu instructors were called _Professor_ , since it meant teacher in Portuguese, though many just went by their first name.

“Well, look at you, learning the right words and everything,” he grinned, his eyes sparkling more than usual. Cocky, but amused.

She lay down on her back, and Ben knelt down to hover over her, placing his hands on her wrists somewhat above her head on the floor, the way Finn had done to him moments before. His hips were heavy on her, straddling her much smaller form, and from this position there seemed to be little way out.

Her breath hitched a bit and she reminded herself to focus.

“What do you do first?”

She doesn’t answer him right away, adjusting mentally to his sheer massive size pinning her down. A beat passed, but he just waited patiently, studying her face.

“Bridge my hips?”

“Right.”

She found herself staring up at him, his barely chin-length dark hair falling down, and his eyes close enough for her to see that they were also hazel, brown with green, just like hers. The fluorescent lights were bright and blinding behind him. She brought her gaze back down away from both the bright lights and his intent expression, only to get stuck looking at his lips and wondering what it might be like to be in this position with someone for a better reason. Wondering what it might be like to be in this position with _him_ for a better reason.

“So, do that, Rey,” he nudged quietly.

It snapped her out of her thoughts, though his voice sounded different than it had just before.

“Okay,” she breathed, internally cringing at her own thoughts and where her mind was taking her. She tried to lift her hips the way she was supposed to, but Ben’s weight held her solidly down. Her wrists stayed pinned, and she struggled to even move an inch.

“This looked so much easier when you and Finn did it!” she exclaimed, more in fascination than frustration, which was for the best. “I can’t move, at all.”

“You have to flick your hips hard, Rey, and it’s not a movement most people are used to doing without practice,” he said. “Try. Shove me off. Use your core strength.” 

His voice was vehement, and the moment, if there had been one, had thankfully passed. She pushed up against him and while she could feel her hips pushing fully against his, she made little progress.

“Okay, let me show you. Let’s switch.” He moved off of her as if he was as light footed as a cat, and it seemed hardly fair to her that a man that size should move with that much grace. First, he lay down and showed her the movement by pushing his hips up, and then rolling on one foot and twisting his entire body so that he landed on his knees.

“That’s the full thing you are working towards, but come on top of me and we’ll break it down,” he instructed.

Rey moved to straddle him and had to lean quite a bit farther over to attempt to pin down his wrists. She wiggled back and forth several times, settling her hips down and squeezing her thighs around him with all her might.

“Are you done yet?” He sounded... exasperated.

“Don’t mock me. I’m just trying to squeeze you with my legs and use my strength so you can’t get me off.”

Ben tried and failed to suppress a groan, closing his eyes and making a face.

“I’m not mocking you, just stop doing that. _Please._ It’s not necessary. And watch your face,” he warned.

She giggled. _Giggled._

“What, do you think you are going to launch me across the room?”

“More likely, I launch your face into the floor, so be mindful.” He cracked a soft smile, and Rey vainly wondered if he smiled like that at anyone else.

Before she could think anything else, Ben _had_ catapulted her forward using only his hips, and she stumbled but caught herself on her hands, her chest landing on his face. 

“Why didn’t you warn me?” she exclaimed, completely taken aback, but amused.

She pulled herself back up, sitting back on his chest.

“Do you see now?”

“I don’t think I can do it. You are so much bigger than me. It’s not fair.”

Ben was suddenly serious. He sat up, propping his hands behind him, and making Rey fall back just a bit, though their faces were still only a foot apart.

“No, it’s not fair. But that's irrelevant, because yes, you can do it.”

She nodded, scrambling off of him and away from his intensity. They both assumed the same positions as before, Rey on her back, and Ben with his hands tightly pinning her arms down.

She tested her movements.

“Do you even have to _try_ to hold me down like this,” she scoffed, and set her jaw.

Determined, she used every ounce of strength she could muster to thrust her hips up swiftly while simultaneously snapping her arms towards her waist and out of his grasp, as if she were making a snow angel. The motions had their intended effect, and Ben lost his balance and began to topple over, releasing her wrists as a reflex in order to catch himself.

His broad chest now rested over her head. She had hastily looked to the side in order to avoid a broken nose, another tip they had helpfully provided at the beginning.

“You let me do that,” she accused.

“I didn’t.”

Ben set himself back, straddling her in a seated position, and she propped herself up on her elbows.

“Are you sure?” she asked incredulously.

“I wouldn’t. You did that.” He leaned forward, grabbing her wrists and forcing her down.

“Do it again.”

She continued to practice it, and while he hadn’t gotten any lighter and she was tiring quickly, it _was_ easier now that she understood the movement better and how to use her abs and hips in a way she wasn’t used to.

“Next move,” he commanded, after she’d pitched him forward a few times.

Rey flung her arms around his midsection, and shifted quickly to one side after climbing up his torso, swinging one arm under his elbow and collapsing it by grabbing his bicep. Finn and Ben had demonstrated how to roll the attacker over at this point, and again Rey needed to be shown better how to accomplish that. Ben demonstrated a few times, and they switched back to her to practice. Before she knew it, class was again over, she was exhausted, and Ben was getting up.

They hadn’t seemed to realize the other pairs had finished, and people had slowly begun dispersing, a few having already left.

Finn was chatting with Rose and Kay as Ben and Rey approached.

Finn looked at them both with a thoughtful expression before addressing her.

“How did it go? You two were lost in your own little world over there.”

Rey was energized from the adrenalin rush she was experiencing from doing the move over and over, and didn’t feel anything like she had after the first class. This time she felt accomplished, and much more in control of her body and mind.

“I think I did okay,” she beamed. She turned to the side, expecting that Ben was still standing there, but saw he had retreated into the office where she first sat down with him. She felt a twinge of disappointment.

_He’s running a school, Rey. You met him through work. He’s just an acquaintance. He isn’t there to pat your head and call you a good girl._

“That’s great, Sunshine,” Finn responded. Rose and Kay took their leave, and as Rey gathered her things Finn caught her arm.

“Do you want to get dinner? Hang out a bit?”

Rey’s face split into a huge grin.

“I’d love to. Or takeout? Want to see my place?”

“Sure, in that case, I’ll run to my place and clean up. Text me your address?”

“Yep.” She pulled out her phone, and Finn was already headed for the door with his navy blue and green gym bag in tow.

It was so easy between them, even after such an absence, and Rey was grateful for it.

* * *

Finn arrived as Rey was toweling her hair, and she didn’t bother to stop as she opened the door, now wearing black leggings and a tank top.

“Come on in,” she said, gesturing with her hand to a modest but nice room with a sand-colored couch, and a reclaimed dark hardwood coffee table that held nothing but a few succulents in containers of various colors. “I’ll be right back.”

She went to hang her towel up and came back to find Finn sitting on the couch, talking to Chewie, who was standing on two legs and sniffing the air at the noises in the room.

“Hey, there, little guy,” Finn said, smiling.

He turned to her with a quizzical look.

“A hamster, Rey? Don’t most people go through the hamster phase more like age 7 or 8?”

Rey made a face.

“Well, it’s not like Plutt was amenable to me having a pet, Finn,” she shrugged. 

“I wandered into a pet store one day randomly, and saw him, and he looked like he needed a home, all lonely in that tiny little pet shop cage. It was after my first paycheck from the paper, and you were just begging to come home with me, weren’t you?” 

She subconsciously began talking in a voice reserved just for Chewie, lifting the top of the cage and feeding him a sunflower seed. He grabbed it quickly, accustomed to this ritual.

“It’s like you’re a caricature of cute, Rey,” Finn rolled his eyes.

“I’m not cute. Ew.”

They settled on the couch beside one another and decided where to order from through an app on Rey’s phone.

“My treat. For abandoning you all those years ago.”

“We are _so_ even now,” Finn laughed.

“Ok, your pick,” Rey said, tossing him the remote. The food arrived after one episode of the reality show Finn picked in which friends prank each other, and they ate and joked for an hour or so.

“You look like you could fall asleep over there, Sunshine.”

“Probably because I could,” Rey said, stretching her back that was beginning to feel the effects of the class, getting up to clear away the takeout trash. 

“You know Finn, I don’t think I’ve ever even had anyone over for dinner at this place. I’ve been here… two years now?”

“Two years, huh? It’s a nice place. Not too far away from stuff.”

“Yeah, I like it,” she called from the kitchen.

Finn started to feel nervous, turning towards Rey just as she sat back down on the couch.

“When are you going to tell me what really happened?” he blurted out.

Rey looked down at her hands and fiddled with the only ring she wore, something she had bought for herself as a graduation present.

“It wasn’t you𑁋,” she began.

“Then who was it? _What_ was it?”

Rey rolled her neck around and pulled her feet under her, shifting around.

“So, you didn’t believe me when I said I just needed a change and that everything was overwhelming.”

“It’s not about believing you in the way you mean it, it’s that I know there is more to a decision like that. Dropping out of engineering, ghosting me and anybody else we knew? Rey, I know you march to your own drummer and don’t mind being self-reliant, but you can’t expect me to believe....”

“I’ll tell you what happened.”

Finn let out a breath, waiting with a grim expression.

“I didn’t know how to tell you then… with our… relationship being what it was. Not that that’s why I left. I couldn’t be around someone else in the department, and I was running away from something, and I was terrified of this person. Of running into him again.”

“What could our relationship possibly have to do with anything?”

“We were close. And… I enjoyed...how close we were. And that is exactly what I couldn’t tell you about what happened.”

“Just say you enjoyed the sex, Rey. We aren’t 16. We didn’t even do it that often.”

Rey blushed and gave him a small smile.

“Rey, we weren’t dating. You were clear about that. We were clear we would be each other’s family, and firsts, because we knew what it was like not to trust people. This can’t possibly be about what… you dating someone? Someone broke your heart so you ran? Why on earth couldn’t you tell me that?”

“It wasn’t about broken hearts and dating, Finn. I know I don’t have the best communication skills when it comes to my feelings, but I think I could have told you that, at least.”

Rey’s hands started to shake and her head was suddenly pounding with the sound of her heartbeat, but Finn seemed completely oblivious to her inner turmoil.

“So...you remember how I always took summer courses and never had anywhere to go like most students? And you’d go back to your group home as a mentor?”

Finn nodded.

“There was this guy in my department that was a TA, and he’d always be around for summer classes too. You know it’s so… empty in the summer around the dorms.”

Her words began to rush out.

“This TA, he started… walking me home after class. And showing up, and being around, and I wasn’t sure really, if I should say something or not because he was just being friendly, and TA’s aren’t like, full professors, right? So one night he walks me home, and just follows me inside, my room and I didn’t want him to really. But I didn’t want to be rude, and I was so confused.”

Finn’s head hit the back of the couch.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Rey?” he whispered. 

“I didn’t know what to do, and I was so, so scared of him, Finn. You really don’t understand.”

“Did you report him for harassing you? What exactly happened? He _worked_ for the university.”

“That night he came into my room he was… inappropriate. I saw him in class a few days later and he wouldn’t even look at me. He acted as if we’d never even spoken. I'll never understand. _”_

She rolled her neck again and tried to relax, but nothing helped.

“He told me that if I ever… complained about him, he’d make sure my grades reflected it, and that he had access to everything it would take to ruin my chances at everything I wanted, since he is a TA.”

“He was bluffing, Rey.”

“You don’t know that.”

Finn sighed and put his arm around her, pulling her into his chest.

“But to just entirely change up everything you are doing, and not even tell anyone? How worried about this guy could you be? There wasn’t more to it?”

Rey thought carefully on how to respond. She’d said all she wanted to say, at this point.

“I took an entire semester off, Finn. I just… I re-evaluated everything. You know what it’s like, never having anyone in your corner, having to figure out what to do with your life, and whether or not you can afford college, and all of those decisions all by yourself? You seem to just barrel through life, figuring it out as you go, and being assured of your choices. But I started to think I’d done a terrible thing by moving here and coming to school here. I… took a break from all of it, and I came out okay on the other side.”

“What did you do for that semester?” Finn asked.

“I worked at a bar. For a lady named Maz. She generally encouraged me to get my life back on track though,” Rey smiled, thinking of her. “You wanna know what she said to me? It was the strangest thing, one day. She said, ‘The belonging you seek is ahead of you, not behind you’. Or something like that. And I re-enrolled after that.”

Finn shook his head. 

“You are such a weirdo, attracting other weirdos.”

Rey scoffed, but hugged him tighter.

“You want to stay the night? It’s got to be late by now.”

“Sure, Sunshine.”

“Um, not like we used to.”

Finn let out a belly laugh.

“That ship has sailed. Remind me to tell you about my boyfriend, Poe, okay?”

Rey sat up suddenly and smacked him on the chest. 

“Weeks we’ve been back in touch and you didn’t tell me?”

“It’s new,” Finn responded simply. “Ok, so he _will_ be my boyfriend. Soon. I’ll tell when I have something to tell.”

They moved to the bedroom, and Rey settled in on Finn’s chest, one last thing bugging her.

“It wasn’t like you wouldn’t be there for me. It’s just that… I knew I couldn’t fake it around you, I knew you’d know something was going on with me.” _That_ was the most honest thing she’d said all evening.

Finn stared up at the ceiling.

“Maybe it’s not such a shock knowing you that you’d withdraw to figure something out, but you aren’t always alone in everything, Rey.”

“I’ll say I’m sorry I hurt you and worried you, again. I’m at peace with every choice I’ve made. I love my job. I’m okay with where I ended up. Even the semester off working for Maz, I don’t think I’d take it back,” she sighed. “Life is so weird that way.”

Rey knew she wasn’t really at peace with _what_ led her to where she ended up, and she’d skirted the truth of it for Finn. But she _was_ at least content with her life, for what she’d made of it.

After that, they drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Finn breezed into the gym the next day to do his regular Sunday workout with Ben. It was a non-official tradition they’d started shortly after opening the school. They worked out together Sunday mornings, and then talked business over lunch.

Ben had already started warming up when Finn arrived.

“You’re late,” Ben remarked.

“Since when is there a set time?”

“Fine. You are later than usual,” Ben griped.

Finn threw his bag down and went to join Ben on the mats.

“Sorry, man. I came from Rey’s apartment, and had to stop back at my place.”

Ben stopped at the top of a sit up. 

“You came from Rey’s place? Like you were there from last night?”

“Yep.”

They finished their warm ups without more conversation.

“Get your sparring gear, old man,” Finn said, jogging over to the equipment racks..

“An old man that still kicks your ass.”

“Let’s see.”

The two went at it until they were exhausted, forcing the other to tap out as quickly as possible over and over.

“I’ll go grab the usual if you clean up,” Finn said, after they cooled down. Ben hated dealing with people, and Finn hated organizing the equipment back the way Ben wanted it.

Twenty minutes later they were sitting in the office talking about bills and how many students had signed up in the past month over lunch.

“It was a good month, overall,” Ben finished, after reading out some statistics.

“You think that article will bring in anybody new?”

“Maybe. We had a new sign up for one of the regular self-defense classes, but I didn’t ask where they heard of us.”

“You should always ask. I’m always telling you that man.”

“I know. I know. I gotta add it to the registration sheet, because I hate asking stupid questions like that.”

“Yeah, stupid questions that provide free information about where our customers come from.”

“Fine. I’ll change the sheet before we print new ones.”

They ate in silence for a moment, and Ben leaned back in his chair trying to be nonchalant.

“So, you and Rey aren’t history anymore?”

“What? I don’t follow,” Finn said, after taking a drink of his soda.

“When she was here the other day, she said you and her have history. I guess it’s not just history, now? Now that you’re seeing her again?”

Finn threw his head back and laughed, a huge belly laugh that didn’t care if Ben wasn’t in on the joke.

“I’m betting she didn’t mean we ‘had history’ the way you took it, although I guess we do. But yes, I did sleep at her house last night, and yes, that wouldn’t be an odd thing for me to do because of how close we used to be. It was late by the time we were done… catching up.”

“Catching up,” Ben stated.

“Say what you want to say, Ben,” Finn said casually, wiping his hands on a napkin. He was definitely enjoying the conversation more than he should.

“I don’t want to say anything. I’m just expressing interest in your life. Rey did say that you and I are, apparently, besties.” 

Ben said the last word as if it is painful to say.

Finn belly laughed again.

“Why do I get the feeling it’s not my life you are showing sudden interest in?”

Ben scowled down at his food.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Finn took a moment to gather his thoughts, chewing thoughtfully and pushing his merriment aside.

“Look, Ben, I’ve known you for how many years now? I’ve never even seen you so much as go out on a date. You hardly ever come out with me or anyone else we know. Why Rey? Why now? Hmm?”

Ben turned and looked out the frosted glass windows.

“Just forget it, Finn. This is why I don’t talk to people. I’m just asking a question. Would you rather me not wonder if you were dating someone that perhaps I might𑁋hypothetically𑁋 think isn’t as terrible as the rest of humanity?”

Finn sighed, and measured his tone.

“Ben, you do realize there isn’t anything wrong with expressing interest in someone. I’m hardly even teasing you. But Rey is… special. She’s not a fling. And I’ve never even seen you in a relationship. I just want to know why you are asking about her. And it would be nice if you would stop trying to pretend you aren’t.”

“I don’t know why I’m asking about her. Just let it go,” he responded testily, crossing his arms.

Finn scrubbed his hand down his face in irritation.

“Ben. I love you, man, but you are making this difficult. I’m not going to tell you what to do. I can confirm to you that I’m not her boyfriend and never was, and I’m in no place to pretend she doesn’t have a mind of her own and wouldn’t be free to spend time with anyone she chose regardless of my opinion _anyway_ ,” he said carefully. “But... she’s been through a lot, so the protective side of me wants to warn anyone away from hurting her like I’m some big brother or dad or something. Since I don’t think she’d appreciate that, I won’t do that either, I guess.”

“So, you two weren’t together? She seems so much more comfortable with you than anyone else.”

It was, oddly, Finn’s turn to be tight-lipped, because the last thing he was going to do was divulge any parts of their relationship or Rey’s private life to just about any one. She was simply far more reserved and didn’t live out loud the way he did, and that’s something they always respected about the other. 

“We never _dated_ , but we were close. And yes, she probably is more comfortable around me than most people.”

Ben looked puzzled at Finn’s uncharacteristic lack of elaboration, but decided to let it go, figuring the conversation had gone on long enough already.

“Okay. Look, really, forget I asked. She’s just… a bundle of contradictions, I don’t know. She’s confident and put together and smiles and laughs and you’d think she’s the just.. But then she acts totally different at other times. I guess… I was just curious. I don’t know.”

“Acts different how?”

“Her first class, the night she was still writing the article, she got really upset, and then ran out halfway through.”

“Oh,” Finn responded, looking thoughtful. “How did I not notice?”

“You were just busy with the class. I was working with her when it happened.”

Ben’s _never_ seen Finn get so quiet so quickly. All the more reason to drop this line of thinking, he told himself.

“By the way, I don’t date because it’s too much hassle. People are exhausting. But I don't suppose I’m against it, not entirely. You know, the whole thing about finding the right person.” Ben waved his hand dismissively in the air.

Finn laughed again.

“You are such a strange one, my friend. Such a strange one. Dating is _supposed_ to be fun. Please tell me you at least get laid regularly?”

Ben choked on his drink. 

“Not really, no.”

“Why not? You could.”

“I’m not you, Finn. I don’t have your… charisma,” Ben made a face at his own words.

“You might as well have been a monk, not an MMA fighter. Such a waste.”

“A waste of what?”

Finn ignored the question, although the term _fuckable redwood_ crossed his mind.

“Speaking of dating and such, I want to invite this guy I’m seeing to open gym. Don’t be weird about it, okay? He gets as many free guest passes as I say. I won’t break the rules with anyone else.”

Ben smirked.

“Oh, you are so going to owe me one day. Just how often are you trying to bring this guy around on the pretense of letting him use the gym, hm?”

“Until I’ve got it locked down, baby.”

The serious mood dissipated, and Ben actually laughed.

* * *

The next week at work, Rey kept busy with a series of feature stories on local historical events. She was logged into facebook on another tab on her desktop, and heard the telltale ding that meant she had received a message.

It was from Snap, of all people, and it contained five photos of her from the class the week before.

It felt odd, but she wasn’t sure why, so she pushed it away.

Another message came through.

_Snap Wexley: You said you wanted to see more of the pictures I took. These were my favorite._

_Why didn’t he just upload them to the share file or send an email to her work email?_ she mused, but she didn’t want to be rude by not acknowledging him.

_Rey Johnson: Thanks. I didn’t expect you to take any of me. But I guess they look kind of cool._

_Snap Wexley: You are easy to photograph. I have more, these were just the best ones._

She didn’t know at all what to say to that. Snap barely spoke to her, but now she wondered if she’d judged him too harshly by thinking him unfriendly. Unsettled, however, by the random messages and pictures, she opted just to go back to work. 

She worked steadily and clocked out at 6 that Friday, finding herself looking forward to the weekend’s self-defense class in a way that surprised her. She ate dinner alone and watched a movie, holding Chewie in her lap on the couch and wondering if she shouldn't try harder to make friends, at work or otherwise, while she stroked his fur. 

  
  


**Get in Shape While Getting Your Ass Kicked: Five ‘Easy’ Moves**

**‘Fake It TIl You Feel It’? Don’t Beat Yourself Up Over Imposter Syndrome**

**Conquering Your Fears: Dust Yourself Off and Try Again**

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the move that the class does this chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAh0cU1J5zk
> 
> It looks complicated, and is if you have not done any Jiu Jitsu, but it's actually just one small variation of the main method of rolling someone off of you that I think I linked last week.
> 
> If Rey sounds like an unreliable narrator, it's b/c she is. People often have a hard time putting to words or even admitting to themselves the words they should use to describe certain kinds of trauma. Finn is perceptive, but also easy-going. He doesn't know how to respond.


	5. Chapter 5

Rey stood her ground with all her might, the hands clamped around her right wrist pulling in the opposite direction. Her left thigh burned from the exertion of bearing most of her weight as her body leaned sharply away from the force of the pull and made a diagonal line from her right foot all the way to her head. She was working hard to maintain what Ben had called a  _ strong base _ , which seemed to be yet  _ another _ principle of self-defense she needed to master. And she did need to  master it. She was all in now, sold on the idea that she would rise to any challenge Ben Solo brought into her life.

The class this week had covered getting up from a seated position on the floor ‘in base’ rather than being able to be easily toppled back over, and how to stand firm in base when being pushed, pulled or grabbed suddenly. It was simple even if it wasn’t a natural stance, and once her body became accustomed to the idea it amazed her that such a simple thing could undoubtedly make a difference in a variety of situations. 

Ben, of course, told the class that  _ every time _ they ever stood up from the floor in any context they should do so in the way he demonstrated𑁋 always having at least two limbs firmly planted on the ground𑁋 so that it becomes second nature.

Rey was partnered with Rose, and found she was as easy to work with and bubbly as she had seemed when she was interviewed. Ben interrupted the push-pulling to move the class along to standard wrist releases. 

“Wrist releases rely again on leverage. If someone is attacking you, known or unknown to you, you cannot rely on strength. By definition, most attacks come from someone that is bigger and stronger, so again, we are relying on something you can count on, and that is leverage. You don’t know the size or strength of a person trying to intimidate you, but the mechanics of the body don’t change.”

This time, Finn was nowhere to be found and Ben demonstrated with a part time instructor at the school, an older man introduced as Ushos Statura, who practiced Judo.

Rey turned to Rose so they could practice, and while the move looked easy, it took some time for Rey to wrap her head around the fact that, like many things in Jiu Jitsu, she had to move  _ closer _ to the person she didn't want to be closer to in order to gain the objective. It was counter-intuitive, but made sense in the greater context.

Ben walked up and down the front of the space, commanding as usual, this time his signature black workout clothes having a bright red stripe down the side𑁋 the most color she’d ever seen him wear. He remained on her periphery, but not out of her mind.

He glanced her way once or twice and met her eyes, but turned back around quickly to resume his pacing. She tamped down her annoyance and discomfort when it was Ushos that stepped in to show her up close how to sweep her elbow up and break Rose’s hold on her wrist.

“Make sure to make a fist and twist your wrist so that your thumb is inline with the opening of her hand,” he said, watching her a few times. “Just learn the movement. Slow at first, until you have it. This is a good one to practice so much it becomes reflex.”

He watched Rose, who was a bit more practiced, for another minute and as he walked away and the class moved on, Rey’s eyes drifted to Ben unbidden. He glanced at her and quickly looked away, as if he saw through her.

She tried to ignore what felt suspiciously like disappointment that the class ended and he never came to work with her. She told herself she was just used to him and Finn, and didn’t want to work with a new person, but she knew it wasn’t the truth.

* * *

Late in the afternoon the following Wednesday, Rey stretched her arms over her head, having sat in her uncomfortable desk chair for too long working on a longer article she had been recently assigned. Amilyn was happy with her recent work, and Rey was excited to be given a longer, more in depth feature. This one would require several interviews and sources, and she had typed for over an hour just from her notes from her first interview.

Her cell phone dinging with a text message was a welcome interruption from Finn.

_ Finn: What are you doing Friday night?  _

Rey answered almost immediately.

_ Rey: Anything you want, baby. _

Finn’s response came before she could put her phone down.

_ Finn: That’s what I like to hear. Are you up to a late dinner so you can meet my new beau? _

Rey’s smile widened.

_ Rey: Definitely! I missed you on Saturday! _

_ Finn: Dress up, then. We’re going to a new place downtown. _

_ Rey: Can’t wait. _

Rey jumped up to refill her coffee, her stiff neck forgotten. She wondered if she would ever stop feeling the twinge of guilt at how easily Finn reintegrated her into his life.  She leaned against the counter in the breakroom, breathing in the fresh coffee, lost in thought about how she had handled the entire thing, her fateful decisions from that year heavy in her mind. 

Her reverie was broken when Snap strode with coffee cup in hand. He hadn’t said much to her in person since right after the self-defense class story, but had taken to messaging her on facebook every few days. He’d sent her a picture of herself working at her desk just a few days later. She didn’t mind seeing herself through someone else’s eyes, but had to wonder if he sent pictures like that to everyone in the office.

She tried to make conversation, anyway.

“Seems like we are some of the only ones that drink coffee this late, doesn’t it? I love it when there is a fresh afternoon pot.”

Snap just nodded, pouring himself a cup. 

“I can make it every afternoon, if you like.”

“Oh, uh, sure. I don’t want to put you out. You probably shouldn’t encourage my caffeine intake, though.”

“Oh, okay.”

He turned and looked at her, and she smiled, although making conversation with him was awkward.

“Alright, thanks for this,” she held up her rainbow mug. “I’d better get back to work.”

They both left the breakroom, and she settled back into transcribing her notes.

* * *

Rey stood in front of her closet pouting. She had been excited when Friday rolled around, meaning the week was over and she actually had plans to go out and  _ do _ something. She was also excited to meet Finn’s new person, but wasn’t sure what the ‘dress up’ from Finn’s text meant. He had texted her the name and address of where they’d be going, and it was an upscale bar and restaurant in the middle of downtown, where many of the restaurants and nightlife were situated.

She knew a person could get away with jeans on most occasions these days, particularly if it was dressed up properly with the right shoes and accessories. Musing, she flipped through her closet, pulling the most commonly worn and functional work clothes to one side and revealing the few dresses she had. One still had the tags. It had been on clearance, and too good to pass up, but wasn’t really appropriate for work or interviews, so it had sat, ignored, for probably a year.

She pulled it out and debated. She wasn’t very comfortable dressing up that often, because she didn’t like feeling conspicuous. She had slowly been growing out of that and she realized that it surprised her that she welcomed the growth. Her life was a carefully crafted pattern of safety. Her job was just exciting enough that she felt fulfilled, and everything else was routine and circumspect, even down to her clothes. Her clothes were suitable, nice, comfortable, but hardly ever flashy or eye-catching.

She ran the same route through the neighborhood when she exercised, so she always knew she’d never be caught unsure of how far away home was. She mostly shopped at the same store, on Sundays. She had a handful of restaurants she picked up takeout from. She was comfortable, and that wasn’t something she could say was true of any other time period in her life. She’d fought for that comfort, and she clung to it.

She realized, startlingly, that tonight she was in the mood to be  _ noticed _ , and decided it was finally time to put the neglected dress to good use.

She laid the dress on her bed and went to shower and do her hair and makeup for the night. She never wore much makeup or did much with her hair. She had even been philosophically  _ opposed _ to makeup at one point, but that was another slow change she had allowed in herself since she left college and entered the workforce.

She thought about it as she scrubbed her body with her favorite soap, a citrusy blend that left her skin feeling soft. It wasn’t that she was pretending to be something she wasn’t or was looking for attention. She now recognized those thoughts were reflections of her past judgments on people she had decided she could never be like. They had things she never could have had anyway, certainly not when she was growing up.

The older she got and unpacked that baggage, the more able she was to embrace that looking good,  _ professional _ was usually the word she liked to choose for herself, was something she deserved. She’d never want to wear heels every day, and she’d nearly always choose comfort over fashion, but she had come to realize feeling plain and  _ undeserving _ of notice was painful in it’s own way. Her life as an abandoned kid whose foster parents were barely competent, and the inability to fit in in any way at school, had made her ability to blend in and try to be unnoticed a survival mechanism. And then later, her experiences in college made her  _ afraid _ of being noticed. 

Maz had helped her figure some of that out, and it had been a steady uphill battle since to believe in herself and her right to  _ want  _ things for herself.

Maybe it had finally become more painful to float through life trying to be as small as possible than to deal with the irritation of unwanted attention, or worry that she’d be judged as vapid. At what point would she admit she couldn’t even put all the anxieties she had into words that made sense, so maybe she should chip away at them?

She stepped out of the shower and dried off, pulling out her modest supply of cosmetics, all bought on sale or clearance like everything else she owned. Still, she had everything she needed. She felt best in a simple black eyeliner and good mascara to make her eyes stand out, and light eye shadow and lipstick. She wouldn’t know what to do with much more than that anyhow, she mused.

The bright kelly green dress slipped on and fit her like a glove. She’d forgotten just how form fitting it was, but it made her feel amazing. It was knee-length, with a slightly high neckline giving way to impossibly thin straps. She’d worry about the strapless bra she had chosen, the only one she owned, being uncomfortable except that the dress was so tight she didn’t think there was any way the cheap bra would slip down. She left her hair down, curling since she usually wore it straight, and then chose strappy silver heels she had worn once to a co-worker’s wedding to go with it.

She walked into the main room of her apartment, feeling good about her appearance, and took the lid off Chewie’s cage, which was actually an extra long aquarium to give him room to burrow and play. He came out of his house at the familiar noise, correctly expecting the treat she handed him, ruffling the fur up by his ears.

“Okay little man, you are on your own tonight.”

She picked him up and pet him for another minute, kissed his nose and put him up, and then she was out the door.

  
  


* * *

Rey had debated taking her car to the downtown restaurant, but ultimately decided she was up for walking, even in her heels, since it was nice out and getting warmer every day, and parking on a Friday night would be more of a hassle than walking. She had chosen an apartment she could afford on the edge of downtown precisely so that she could walk to events and restaurants.

She began to regret her decision to walk in her ‘notice me’ dress after the sun began to set around 7:30, but she set aside her discomfort and walked quickly towards her destination. Usually, she was in jeans and running shoes, with her earbuds in, blissfully ignoring anyone that might call at her. But tonight, there were plenty of people out and about on one of the first warmer weekends of the spring, and Rey refused to let anxiety at doing something out of her routine creep in.

As she approached the restaurant, she saw a certain tall, dark and handsome figure standing near the entrance waiting. That’s odd, she thought.

He saw her as she got closer and recognition dawned on his face.

“Hi, Rey,” Ben said, surprised.

“Hey.” She smiled, but they just looked at each other for a moment,  _ again _ , because she never could think of what to say when he was around. It was like her brain paused, just taking in the  _ something _ about his presence that made her feel differently than perhaps she ever had before.

Ben looked at her face, and then slowly his eyes tracked downward. Her shoulders, the tight fit of the dress against her chest, the way it hugged her hips and showed off her legs. His mouth went dry, and he snapped himself of his perusal when he realized it was treading into not speaking for an inappropriate amount of time.

Rey’s brain had caught up as well, and she raised her eyebrows at his blatant ogling. He couldn’t tell if she was annoyed or flattered.

“Your dress is nice,” he mustered. “You look nice.”

Her lips twisted up into a slight smile.

“Look nice is exactly what Finn instructed me to do, so I’m happy to hear I delivered.”

“Ah, yes. You are meeting Finn here, too? I thought it was just me. Me and someone he wants me to meet, that is.”

“Yeah, me too,” she shrugged. “I guess he wants two seals of approval.”

Ben laughed and his smile, when it came, always made her infatuation worse.

“You look good, too. I didn’t know you owned anything except workout clothes,” she replied, taking in his dark jeans and black button up shirt.

“That’s the best part about owning a gym. The accepted attire.”

“I would wear leggings and jeans every day to work if I could,” she laughed. “You are luckier than you know.”

Ben thought briefly that he’d like to be lucky enough that she had been coming to meet him for dinner, just the two of them, rather than them being thrust together by circumstance again. Finn was seriously compromising his plans to distance himself.

Just then, Finn walked towards them with a handsome man with black hair just beginning to gray attractively against warm-toned tan skin.

“Hey, you two, this is Poe,” Finn said nonchalantly as he approached. After everybody made their introductions, the foursome headed inside and got their table at the upscale sushi restaurant and bar Finn had chosen. It was dark enough to give an intimate atmosphere, with small decorative pendant lights suspended all over the ceilings, illuminating a rich shade of red on the walls and dark wood furniture.

The food was delicious and conversation flowed easily, Rey sitting next to Ben since the newly official happy couple sat next to each other.

“So, Rey, Finn has told me a lot about you two in college,” Poe said with a gleam in his eye after everyone had made small talk about their jobs and other benign topics.

Finn groaned and put his head in his hands.

“Oh? And what did he say?” Rey asked. She hated to be talked about, but she didn’t mind seeing Finn squirm.

“Mostly that you were the love of his life until he met me,” he said breezily, popping the last piece of sushi on his plate in his mouth.

Rey snorted.

“I  _ know _ he didn’t say that. Please.”

The usually unflappable Finn looked mildly uncomfortable, and opened his mouth to protest but Poe continued.

“It’s true. You broke his heart,” Poe said, and Rey was beginning to wonder if there was something underneath his smile and upbeat attitude.

“I’ve never broken  _ anyone's  _ heart, Poe, much less Finn’s,” she said dismissively.

“Now I know  _ that _ isn’t true,” Ben said suddenly. The entire table looked at him, as if they had forgotten he was listening to the conversation, as quiet as he had been for most of the meal.

Rey got an incredulous smile on her face but addressed him.

“And how would you know? Honestly, everyone at this table is just full of the strangest assumptions.” She was bewildered at the turn the conversation had taken.

Ben looked panicked for a minute, as if he hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but Poe saved him, not ready to let it drop.

“I’m in Finn’s life now, Rey, and he might think ghosting someone you are involved with is easily forgivable, but I’m not so sure.”

Rey’s mouth dropped open, and closed again. She scoffed, but took a deep breath. She was quiet, trying to choose her words.

“Poe, I didn’t talk to you about Rey before we met because I wanted you to intervene on anything. We’re friends and𑁋,” Finn began.

“I’m not attacking her, you don’t need to defend her. I just thought she should know,” Poe said simply.

She looked at Finn, who seemed unsure of what to say, but he was looking at Poe with a mixture of emotions playing across his face.

“Finn, I’ve told you I’m sorry, and I told you why I did what I did. I don’t really understand what Poe is talking about, but if you told him you are still mad at me, I’m sorry.”

Finn and Poe finally looked away from each other.

“It’s okay, Rey. We talked it through, and it’s fine. Perhaps I gave Poe a bit more of my side of the story than yours.”

Rey looked down at her plate. She would apologize to Finn, even again perhaps, but Poe? She couldn’t figure out why he thought she’d give him any explanations.

The group got quiet, and Rey continued looking down. Her hands sat in her lap, and she bit her bottom lip as she tried to think of what to do to salvage the night. She felt a gentle hand on her wrist, and looked down enough to see that Ben was stroking her forearm in a show of support, but with his long arms and his head facing Poe and Finn, no one would really be able to tell.

She cleared her throat and looked at Poe.

“I get the sense you have a streak of loyalty, Poe. I can respect that. Maybe if Finn and I need to bury any more hatchets he can let me know. But I don’t have any more plans on dropping back out of his life, or more accurately as to the past, dropping out of  _ my life _ , as the result of some unforeseen circumstances on my end. I wouldn’t mind it if we liked each other though, if we’ll both be sticking around.”

They studied each other for a moment before Poe’s face split into a grin.

“Shots? Sake? What do you want, babe?” he asked, turning to Finn.

“Sake. Ever had sake Rey?”

She shook her head to clear it, unsure if the last five minutes really happened.

“I don’t really drink, you know that, so no.”

“Okay, just one or two for you then. It’s not strong.”

Rey made a face at Finn and his tendency to decide things for her, but wasn’t sure she didn’t agree a small drink might be nice after the tension. She lifted her hands back to her plate to finish, forcing Ben to pull away from her instead of giving in to the impulse to rest it on her thigh and continue stroking little circles. He was quite sure that would be less invited. She turned her head to the side and gave him a tight smile as Finn and Poe began talking about the rest of their alcohol selections for the night, and Finn waved to their server.

Soon, the carafe of sake had arrived and Rey timidly sipped at her cup. She noticed Ben drank less than Finn or Poe.

“Have you had sake before?” she asked, turning to him, since the other two were blessedly distracted.

“Yeah. I suppose I might’ve tried it anyway, but I traveled all over with my mother, when I was younger, so I had it for the first time in Japan, actually.”

“Right, I remember that you grew up all over. How come?”

He smirked.

“Well, I wasn't an adult yet, and she couldn’t leave me at home alone.”

“You are just  _ so _ hilarious, Ben Solo. So funny,” she replied drily, taking another sip.

“I know.”

She snorted, but looked at him expectantly.

“My mother was a diplomat. She worked for the U.S. Embassy in a few different places when I was a kid,” he sighed. “It’s not nearly as interesting as it sounds.”

“Oh, please. I’m sure that’s not true,” she said and rolled her eyes, and she suddenly realized they both had their drinks in their hands while they leaned in towards the other.

“It’s so boring I never talk about it at all,” he replied in a sing-songy voice.

“Yeah, same for me. I never talk about my boring non-existent parents either.” 

She gulped down the rest of her drink and pulled away from him.

“Non-existent?”

“Yep.” She popped the end of the word, and poured another half cup out of the carafe.

“See, I knew you’d like it,” Finn cut in, and Rey was happy to change the subject, even if she relished learning more about the mysterious man seated next to her. The conversation moved along easily again, thankfully. She glanced at Ben every chance she got, hoping her preoccupation wasn’t obvious, noticing his toned forearms when he rolled up his sleeves.

They divided the check and headed outside to say their goodbyes.

“Well, this was fun. It was nice to meet you, Poe,” Rey said.

Instead of a similarly polite goodbye, Poe pulled her in for a hug. She froze, but hugged him lightly back.  _ What an enigma this guy is _ , she thought.  _ Maybe that makes him perfect for Finn. Or possibly just tipsy. _

Finn hugged her and said goodbye, and the pair walked boisterously off in the direction of where Finn was parked.

“You can make sure she gets home, right, Ben?” Finn called, but turned back around before anyone answered him.

“I don’t need anyone to ‘get me home’ Finn, but thanks,” she muttered. 

“Where did you park?” Ben asked.

“I walked,” she replied, pulling out her phone to call for a Lyft as planned.

“You walked? I didn’t know you lived downtown.”

“I do. How about you?”

“I live above the gym.”

“There are apartments up there?”

“Uh, sort of. I kind of own the whole building.”

“You  _ own _ the building that takes up an entire block downtown?”

Ben just nodded. 

“Wow. Good for you.”

“Were you planning on walking home by yourself,” Ben asked uneasily.

“You boys really think I can’t make decisions about my well-being on my own, don’t you?” she laughed, looking down at her phone’s screen.

Ben didn’t answer. He was too preoccupied looking at her in that dress again, now that she was looking away and he could gaze at her without getting caught. Her hair fluttered in the breeze, and her cheeks were bright from the sake and the warm evening. He couldn’t remember ever feeling such a visceral reaction to another person before.

“I’m calling a Lyft,” she rolled her eyes, not sure why he wasn’t responding.

“Don’t do that, I’ve got to walk home anyway.”

She hadn’t considered that, but he’d be going in the same direction she would.

“Oh, uh, okay. Sure,” she said, looking up and closing out the app. She told him where she lived, just a few blocks past the studio and they began walking in the direction she’d come from earlier that evening, the silence stretching on comfortably for a block or so. 

“Why do you usually drive to the gym then?” he asked, curious. 

“Because I’d be walking home after dark and have to call a car every time, and parking there is easy. And I walk more when it’s warm, anyway. London is cold most of the year and I walked in the cold too much as a kid, actually.”

“You know, it’s hard to maintain a strong base wearing heels. You’re safer in better shoes,” Ben said abruptly.

“It must be exhausting analyzing every little thing like that, Ben,” she said lightly. She knew it was exhausting, because she did it all the time.

Ben let out a short laugh.

“At least a good base with inappropriate shoes is still better than bad form with good shoes,” he conceded.

“You really do live and breathe this stuff, don’t you?” she mused, and Ben didn’t respond, lost in thought.

They passed people dining outside in front of other restaurants, and bars with music and conversation that carried out through the open windows. The city block known as the square that had benches and a huge fountain lighting up the night was more full than usual, the dogwood flowers on some of the trees just beginning to bloom, leaving the air just slightly more fragrant than usual.

“So, Poe is nice,” Ben eventually said.

Rey turned and lightly smacked his arm, making a face.

“Isn’t he though,” she laughed. “I’m not sure if he hates me or is just very… blunt and oblivious to when he’s being rude?”

“I... I don’t know,” Ben conceded. “You almost have to admire that amount of forthrightness. Maybe you two will be great friends now that he’s gotten that out of his system.”

She rolled her eyes at his teasing.

“You can admire it because you weren’t the intended target,” Rey griped, remembering how exposed the short conversation made her feel. “What was he on about anyway. He wasn’t even making sense.”

Ben elected not to answer that directly, one because he couldn't actually be sure what Poe meant or what Finn told him, but also because it was obvious Rey didn’t fully understand Finn’s feelings for her. His  _ past  _ feelings for her, Ben reminded himself. Finn certainly hadn’t acted as if that was still how he felt when they spoke about her. Ben hoped that was true.

He tested the waters.

“You and Finn are a bit… vague about your relationship, Rey. Maybe he was fishing.”

“Why is it anyone’s business?” Rey countered.

“It would only be Poe’s business if he thinks Finn is still carrying a torch for you.”

Rey scoffed at the absurdity of having essentially the same conversation twice, although she didn’t question Ben’s genuineness at least.

“Finn is carrying no torch. Finn never did, honestly,” she said, her tone final.

“Maybe he did, but you didn’t know.”

She sighed.

“Maybe. Though it hardly matters now. I never felt that way for him, and he never said he did at the time. He was a brother. A found family. And since  _ everyone _ seems to need to know, we had a bit of a friends-with-benefits relationship,” she finally conceded. It was more exhausting talking around it than about it at this point, she decided.

Ben felt a mixture of relief that they really hadn’t been in a serious relationship, because crushing on your best friend’s former love seemed wrong to him. But he was also unfairly jealous that they had been somewhat more than friends.

“Maybe that’s what Poe is on about then.”

She snorted.

“Obviously, and he’s making a mountain out of a molehill. We were two foster kids that had to navigate things on our own, and we became good friends, and we trusted each other. I… it irritates me that Poe is entitled to that information. Not from Finn, necessarily, but from me. I don’t think it was right for him to bring it up like that, and in front of you.”

Ben nudged her shoulder, guilt at having upset her warring with relief that at least now he understood why Finn had been cagey about it.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said gently. “He’s got a hell of a way of clearing the air, doesn’t he?”

She made an annoyed sound at the back of her throat.

“Well, as long as he’s good to Finn, I guess.”

Ben couldn’t help himself. He was desperate for anything she would tell him about herself.

“So, you didn’t break up with Finn in college? Because you weren’t together. Have you dated anyone else since?”

“Nope.”

She didn’t elaborate, and decided to focus on the pleasantness of her walk with Ben instead. She felt drunk on the newness of spending time with an attractive man she fancied after a nice dinner, longing to tell him she’d date  _ him _ if she asked, but she was sure her abysmal dating record was better left untalked about. She would do a lot more with him than just date if he asked, maybe even tonight, she thought ruefully. It wouldn’t take much, and that startled her.

The problem was she didn’t know how he felt, and was terrified of adding complications to her life. It was awfully presumptuous of her to  _ feel _ like she was on a date with someone when she wasn’t. He was a nice guy, walking her home, and it wasn’t far out of his way. He hadn’t asked her out on a date, they’d simply both been invited to an evening out. They were together by coincidence, not his choice.

Even so, she felt the warmth radiating from his side and wanted to curl into it.

Instead she stepped a bit farther away.

They approached the brick block-shaped apartment building that had been renovated decently on the edge of downtown, and Ben naturally followed her up the wrought iron steps to the second floor.

“Well, this is me,” she said, approaching the door. She dreaded turning and looking up at him, and thinking about how if this were a date, he’d be expecting to kiss her, because certainly it had gone well hadn’t it? Her fake date?

She did turn and look up at him however, trying to read his expression. She found she couldn’t, she was too preoccupied wondering if his hair was as soft as it looked, and how far he’d have to bend down to kiss her good night. She idly wondered if she always had a thing for tall men, or if it was just  _ him _ .

There was an electric feeling in the air, and she had a fluttery feeling in her chest, but much too soon, she cut away from his expressive eyes and took a step back, her feelings unwelcome and intense.

“I’ll see you tomorrow maybe? At the class?” he asked.

Disappointment crashed over her, warring with every other thing she felt. Would it be too much to ask that he grab her, and push her against her door, and make it clear that he felt the same things without her risking anything? Wasn’t it his job to make the first move?

“Right. Yeah, sure, probably. Thanks for walking with me. Goodnight,” she rushed out, and pulled her keys out of her bag, turning towards her door.

“Night,” he said softly, the errant thoughts he had about this woman colliding as she rushed inside her house.

He walked home in a fog, processing the evening. He knew a few things. Rey was special, but hard to read. One minute he thought she might be leaning into him, enjoying his company, yet every single time he initiated any type of physical contact she pulled away. He groaned at himself as he dragged his body up the stairs in the back of the gym that led to his large loft, deciding he definitely knew he’d be better off if he more fully convinced himself that she was off-limits. His ability to remain professional while instructing her hung in the balance, and he’d made sure to keep his distance during the last class. His thoughts around her reminded him of all of his failings. What did it matter anyway if she didn’t feel the way he felt?

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vl7ixKzCkUkhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vl7ixKzCkUk Wrist Releases are cool.


	6. Chapter 6

The morning after Rey and Ben’s not-date Rey couldn’t sit still. She woke up thinking about him𑁋 about those minutes just before he’d left her by her door. She tried to decipher what the look on his face meant, if anything, and thought about the way he walked her home like it was a normal thing to offer to an acquaintance you hardly knew. In her world, people didn’t offer things without wanting something back, and with Ben it felt like the more she got to know him, the less she understood.

She mulled over the way he seemed to suddenly be a part of her life, as easy as breathing. She didn’t have a lot of the experiences most people considered rites of passage. First kisses by a door step, being one of them. She had hardly even collected many nights out drinking with friends. It wasn’t something she dwelled on, because it was probably mostly bullshit that there was a collection of human experiences you were supposed to have, or even that most people actually did have, by their late teens and twenties, despite what teen movies would make one believe.

But either way, she lay in her bed, thinking about Ben, and wondering if she was letting her life pass her by. She was past the age one worried about how they’d never gone to a dance in high school, had no first boyfriends, had no parental figures to be angry at said boyfriends for one thing or another. College was supposed to be better, but it had turned out to be a blur of surviving just like her early life had been.

What did it take to be happy? Was her job enough? Were friends enough? Wasn’t just being safe and fed and mostly happy with how you spent your days enough? She was frustrated at the fact that she hadn’t been unfulfilled before she’d met this stupid man with his stupid puppy dog eyes that somehow didn’t match his larger than life presence and yet matched it  _ perfectly _ .

With a huff she got out of bed, threw on some jeans and an old t-shirt and made a quick strawberry and peach smoothie for breakfast, deciding she’d walk to the paper to get some work done. 

* * *

  
  


After swiping her access card, Rey headed straight for the newspaper’s morgue.  _ The Republic _ headquarters wasn’t empty any day of the week, but there were still less people there on the weekend, and Rey liked the emptier feel.

The series of feature articles she was researching focused on different aspects of the downtown revitalization that had been slowly ramping up over the past few years. She wanted to find pictures of the same streets and buildings that were relevant to the series, and set them side by side with modern pictures. It would be visually interesting, but it took extra time to sift through the archives to find what she needed. The series would end with local residents speaking to her about their concerns surrounding gentrification and housing prices𑁋 issues that were raised repeatedly by residents at City Council meetings, but were never really addressed𑁋 so she wanted to show as much history as possible. She was adding more to the original assignment than had been asked for, and she hoped Amilyn would see her vision.

She started thumbing through files organized by year, starting with 1950, that were cross referenced with different headings. Seventy years was as far back as any of the downtown businesses that were still around went, and most weren’t nearly that old, but she was really looking for anything. Any picture that could be juxtaposed with a current downtown project would work.

Rey got lost looking at the people in the old photographs, mesmerized by wondering what the story behind each person and photo was, and admiring the perfect cursive of the handwritten notes written by some photog or reporter long since gone. She was lucky any of these photographs were still here, with her paper being the result of two different newspapers merging. 

The morgue seemed to be a forgotten place to most of the other journalists. Most papers didn’t even have morgues anymore, and Rey was happy  _ The Republic _ did. She was fond of forgotten things. Searching old photographs that had been digitized was harder to her, and sometimes these types of photos were trashed entirely when an old paper folded or didn’t have the funds for digitization𑁋 any need for a story relevant to the photo usually passed by decades ago.

She was thumbing through a random file, not even having looked at the heading, and got stuck looking at a photograph of a beautiful, stately woman standing next to a tall man with an intense stare. The grainy black and white made their features a bit harder to make out, but the photo seemed to be some sort of announcement, the way the two people smiled and stood posed.  _ Curious _ , she thought. She hadn’t thought announcements would make their way into the morgue files she was sorting through, since these were usually notes and photos kept from important stories that might be needed in the future, at the time at least.

She flipped the photo over.

_ Padme Amidala announces engagement to Anakin Skywalker  _ was scrawled across the back.  _ 1960\.  _

“Skywalker,” she muttered, bemused. “I just can’t get away from things that remind me of you, can I?” she said, Ben’s uniquely angular face popping back into her consciousness. She idly wondered how common of a name Skywalker was.

She flipped the file back to the front to see that the heading read “Skywalker Case”.

Intrigued, she picked up a manila envelope that had been inside the aging, faded green file folder. It was surprisingly heavy, and when she slid the contents out, she found several more pictures of Anakin Skywalker collected from various places and times. Some were social gatherings, with Padme by his side, and some were quite different. She held one up, scrutinizing, careful to touch the edges so that the oils from the skin on her fingers didn’t damage the photo more than age already had. 

An older Anakin stared back at her, a man with a dark and haunted look on his face, standing next to another man in a suit, outside of a courthouse. 

Puzzled, she reached into the file to search for clippings or notes.

Old type set from a typewriter stared back at her in what looked like a not yet organized timeline of notes for an article.

_ Padme Amidala Wins Senate Race in Upset Victory. Becomes first female Senator for the state. 1961 _

_ Marries Anakin Skywalker. 1960. _

_ Murdered by Anakin Skywalker, 1965. _

_ Anakin Skywalker sentenced, early 1966. _

_ Whereabouts of Skywalker Children Kept Sealed by state. _

There were more notes, and probate files for the estate, which listed two children as heirs, Luke and Leia. 

_ Luke  _ Skywalker.

Rey in a sucked in a sharp breath. She carefully put everything back in the envelope, putting the file completely away.

Her general curiosity screamed at her to continue reading and looking through the life of a woman who had to have been ahead of her time𑁋 with her time cut far too short𑁋 but the realization that this was the family of someone she knew, someone she respected, stopped her. How many Luke Skywalkers were there? She knew in her heart she had to have been admiring Ben’s grandmother in the engagement photo, looking youthful and poised and completely unaware of what would befall her just years later. 

She shook her head to clear it from the sadness of it all and stood up to stretch her legs. She wondered, perhaps for the first time, if she’d ever had a family name to search for, would she find something like that? She couldn’t picture Ben, so stoic𑁋 yet still someone who seemed to live in the moment𑁋 ever dwelling on the past. What about his mother and uncle? Were they adopted by family? Were they  _ never _ adopted, like her? 

That was enough research for now, she decided, since she’d been thumbing through old photos for an hour or so, and had found a few that actually had to do with the reason she was there. She made sure everything was back in its place, and switched the light off before she left. 

* * *

That evening, Rey arrived for the self-defense class fifteen minutes early, not having been able to help waiting any longer. She chose to walk, since it was nice out again, in an effort to burn up her nervous energy at seeing Ben again after the not-date the night before and make herself not  _ quite _ so early. She began to question her sanity. Was it normal to try to create a social life around something like this?  _ You are such a loser, Rey,  _ she thought to herself. Why did she get  _ more _ butterflies rather than less, the longer she knew him?

She made small talk with Rose and Kay again and Finn was present for the class this time, but Ben appeared to be waiting in his office until the last possible minute. The class began the way it usually did. They practiced punching, kicking, and palming to warm up, and then continued the lessons on wrist releases. Last week’s class had covered one-on-one releases, meaning an assailant is pulling a victim by one hand, so this class was two-on-one. It took more to release a wrist when someone grabbed it with both hands, but still relied on the same principle of leverage.

Rose and Kay paired up together, and Rey had now realized through context that they were a couple. And a cute one, Rey thought, observing them together. She began practicing the wrist release with someone she’d never met before, named Jess, who seemed just as green as her. Ben approached them to observe, keeping his distance and not really saying anything, although Rey’s heart sped up anyway. 

It was odd, actually, that she found herself in a situation where she understood the basics of Jiu Jitsu that were being applied to self-defense just a hair’s breadth more than the new participant. She helped Jess with the one-on-one wrist release from last class, both because she needed to practice it more but also because understanding it made understanding the two-on-one easier.

“Try to remember to move  _ closer _ to me to make it work without having to expend your energy,” Rey told her, since it was obvious Jess was relying a bit too much on ripping her hand out of Rey’s grasp forcefully. “You are moving yourself, not trying to move me, in order to get out of the grab.”

She felt Ben’s eyes on her and glanced over to him as quickly as she dared without interrupting their practice. He had an unreadable expression on his face, and looked away when she met his eyes, with just a ghost of a smile on his face, his eyes infinitesimally crinkling at the corners. But it was gone as fast as it came, and he stepped over closer to Jess.

“Rey is correct. But pay attention to your stance, you don’t want to lose your balance in the process of getting your wrist free,” Ben said, pulling Jess’s attention towards him. “Wrist techniques are far better to do slowly, repeatedly, to get them down correctly, then to rush through.”

He gently grabbed Jess’s wrist with one hand and critiqued how her stance had shifted too far in one direction, rather than her shuffling her feet closer entirely, in order to get closer to Rey to pry her arm out of the grasp. Rey watched on as he demonstrated with her, deciding to focus on feeling proud that she was getting the basics down rather than somehow miffed or jealous or something else irrational. She could also begrudgingly admit that it didn’t hurt to watch someone else’s base stance and how he corrected them. 

He quickly moved on to other students, telling Jess to work on the two-on-one with Rey now that she had the basic idea, without sparing Rey another glance.

Rey pushed it out of her mind and focused on working the wrist releases with Jess for the remainder of the hour.

She was taking a drink from her water bottle after class dispersed when Finn came up to say hello.

“I trust you had a nice night last night?” he asked. There was some curiosity behind his eyes that left Rey guessing at what it was about.

“You were there, Finn.” A beat passed, and Finn’s gaze drifted over to Ben, where he was beginning to clean up for the night.

“I take it you got… home okay?”

“I’m here, standing in front of you,” she said. She wasn’t trying to sound clipped, and she did have a good time, but she was still miffed by Poe. “How was  _ your _ night after dinner? Your knight in shining armor kept you busy I’m sure.”

Finn’s huge smile broke across his face.

“I’ll never kiss and tell.”

Rey snorted.

“Yes, you would,” she said, provoking a loud belly laugh from Finn.

“So, what’s the deal though? Does Poe have a problem with me or not?”

“Poe? No, of course not. He’s just…” Finn trailed off, a pensive look on his face. When it seemed like he wasn’t going to finish his sentence, Rey continued.

“Whatever you say, Finn. I guess I’m glad he got his little rant about me off of his chest last night.”

Finn seemed to be genuinely puzzling out Rey’s reaction, making her wonder if she was overreacting.

“I… he didn’t mean anything by it. At least I don’t think he meant to upset you. Maybe he wanted to make sure he doesn’t have any competition.”

She rolled her eyes at him at that.

“Okay, Finn. How about you telling him there is no competition is enough? I don’t want to be blindsided at a dinner that is supposed to be fun.  _ Especially _ in front of people that barely know me!” She looked meaningly at Ben, oblivious, across the huge room, who was emerging from a supply room with cleaning supplies.

Finn put up his hands in surrender.

“Okay, I hear you. Duly noted. It shouldn’t be an issue after tonight. And yes, the sex was great.”

“I knew you were going to tell me that,” she said, smiling and shaking her head.

They began walking towards the door, and Rey tried to discreetly look back to see if Ben would come to say hello. Or goodbye. Or acknowledge her at all.

“So, nothing else happened last night? You went straight home?” Finn asked.

“Where else would I go, Finn?” she replied, her tone inching towards downhearted.

“I just thought maybe you and Ben might have gone somewhere,” he said, holding open the front door for her.

“You mean that Ben? The one in there that hardly even noticed I was at class today? No. He walked me home, but I think he was just being nice.”

Finn didn’t seem to have anything productive to say to that, his jaw moving slightly as he chewed on one side of his mouth.

“He’s just like that Rey. He’s always in his own head.”

“Anyhow, speaking of, I walked here tonight, so I need to order a car,” she continued, pulling out her phone and ending the discussion.

“Oh please, Rey, I’m parked just over there,” he said, nudging her shoulder and smiling at her in a way that cheered her up, if only marginally.

* * *

It was mid-morning on Monday, and Rey was, predictably, walking back from the break room after filling her rainbow mug with fresh coffee. She was feeling upbeat, since just before that she’d come from Amliyn’s office. The editor had glanced at the old pictures she’d found, and told Rey to find a photog that wanted to collaborate with her and they’d see if they could find the space for them, or atleast publish the photo spread on  _ the Republic’s  _ website.

Rey sat down at her desk, sipping her coffee, and trying to decide which photographer to approach. Snap seemed to be warming up to her, but the way he went about it was making her uneasy. He seemed to be toeing the line of friendly and maybe just socially awkward to just plain… uninvited. She was working on trusting her gut instinct instead of writing off the things that made her uncomfortable. Growing up as she had, she always wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt. She knew what it was like to feel out-of-step with the rest of the world. But the thought of working with Snap just didn’t sound appealing.

Whatever the issue with Snap was, she decided she’d ask a photographer named Jannah with whom she’d interacted many times over the past two years. It seemed like she’d be a better fit for a project like this anyway, since she was so much more outwardly enthusiastic about her job when they’d been on the same stories.

She worked on the first article of the series steadily until lunch time, hoping Jannah hadn’t left yet, and went to part of the workspace where the photographers’ desks were.

“Hey, Jannah?” 

Jannah looked up from her desk, an open but curious expression on her face.

“Hey, Rey, what’s up?”

“Do you want to get lunch?” Rey asked,  _ almost _ nervous. She couldn’t remember a time in two years that she’d asked any work associate to lunch. She assumed if anyone wanted her company, they’d ask her.

“I, uh, sure? I was just about to. Anything specific going on?”

“I got greenlit for an idea I had and I need a photog, so I thought of you. I think you’d like it.”

“Right. Okay, then, let’s go.”

They walked to the entrance of the building and down a block or so to one of the cheaper coffee shops that had a small lunch menu.

After they sat, waiting on their orders, Rey jumped right in. She pulled the manila envelope she’d filled with quick, low quality copies of the old photographs she’d found out of her bag and explained the scope of the articles to Jannah.

“These are so cool, Rey. Where are they from?”

“I spent Saturday morning in the morgue, just looking for anything. They aren’t all from the same year or anything, and they don’t all tie directly, so I’m thinking of this as kind of a side project? It can be a photo project that you can add to, for sure. Amilyn doesn’t know if she’ll give us the space yet except on the website.”

Jannah nodded thoughtfully, looking down at the pictures while talking.

“I didn’t think anybody else even went into the morgue anymore,” she said. “But that sounds about right. Really large photo spreads are never a priority, it’s just not possible. More people go to the website now anyway, but they might give us one or two in your section.”

“There is something nice about seeing it in print, though, isn’t there?” Rey mused.

“Oh, for sure. This could be a cool exhibit somewhere, actually. I used to do exhibits before the paper took up all my time,” she said wistfully, focusing momentarily out onto the street.

“Ooooh, yeah I’d love to go so something like that.”

Just then, a server walked their orders over to them.

“Always lovely seeing you in here, Rey. I think I’ve got your order memorized. You should stop by more often,” he said, smiling at her.

“Oh, you know, I only venture out of the office on special occasions,” Rey said absentmindedly, leaning down to tuck the photos back in her back so they wouldn't get dirty.

Jannah smiled and teased her after he left the table.

“Someone’s trying to get your attention, Rey. And he’s cute, too.”

Rey looked confused.

“Who?”

Jannah frowned.

“The server? The guy that just said you should come in more? And that he’s memorized your order? The guy that called you by  _ name _ ? Do you not know him?”

“Huh. I guess he remembers my name because I’ve been coming in here since I began working at the paper. I hadn’t thought about it,” Rey shrugged, picking up her sandwich.

Jannah raised her eyebrows, and let out a small laugh.

“And all this time I thought you were standoffish, you were just oblivious. Who knew?”

Rey wrinkled her nose and made a face.

“I... “ she laughed. “Okay.”

“I tell you what, Rey. How about you and I have lunch here every Monday, talk about the project, and see if we can get him to ask you out,” Jannah said with a huge smile that made her high cheek bones even more prominent. Rey idly thought about how well put together Jannah looked𑁋 her dark cherry lipstick complimenting her sepia brown skin tone, her eyeliner perfectly accentuating the shape of her eyes. 

“Assuming you are single and unattached and into dudes, that is,” she finished, unaware of Rey’s appraisal.

Rey coughed and laughed at the same time.

“Uhm, okay. I suppose I am single and into dudes, as you so eloquently put it. But lunch on Mondays sounds nice actually,” Rey was touched. “Not to get asked out by random people who are just being nice though. I think you are reading a bit much into it.”

“Am I though?” Jannah answered in a skeptical but amused tone, cocking her head to the side and scrutinizing Rey.

They chatted amicably for the rest of the meal, and Rey wondered why she’d never talked to Jannah more often. She walked with Jannah all the way back to her desk in the photography department, and handed her the photos to keep.

“I’ve made copies for myself already, so these are for you. You might know more about the process of digitizing them for publishing?”

“Yeah, that’s no problem. I hope you wrote down their location in the morgue so I can find the originals?”

“Yeah, I’ve got it all in my notes, just ask me when you need them.”

Snap was sitting at his desk now, looking straight at his monitor but listening in intently.

When Rey got back to her desk, a message from Snap popped up through her facebook notifications on her phone.

_ Snap Wexley: What’s the photo project? _

Rey frowned, and ignored it. He had been sitting right there, and could have asked either of them when they were standing by Jannah’s desk.

That night, as she drove home, she reflected on Jannah’s hilariously out-of-the-blue assessment that she was missing signals from the cute-enough guy at the bistro. He wasn’t who she wanted, though, but she couldn’t help but wonder if the same thing Jannah was saying still applied.  _ That’s probably wishful thinking,  _ she told herself. Her snarky internal monologue mocked her, as it always did, about the things she couldn’t figure out just yet.

**Get Yours: A Shy Girl's Guide to Taking What She Wants**

**Workplace Woes: When a Co-Worker Turns Into a Creep**

**Missing Signals? How to Tell if They are Into You**

**Girlfriends: How to Build Long Lasting Friendships**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FUMcJltEXQ
> 
> this time I found a supercute video of the wrist releases and Eve Torres is pregnant in it, which is even cuter. Ignore the sexist comments. None of the men who swear none of these techniques will work for a woman against a stronger man (or person of any gender against any other stronger person of any gender) know how a physical altercation will go - no one *ever* does. The best we can hope for is understanding how bodies work and making muscle memory work in our favor, and being feisty and hoping for the best. The video goes through them far too quickly (although I think Gracie's website is allowing people to watch some videos for free if you sign up for a free account b/c of the Rona), so rest assured if you try something and it's not working, it needs to just be broken down into parts like our dear sweet Ben does for our oblivious arrested development Rey.
> 
> Interesting I found a video of a pregnant person on THIS chapter, because sadly, pregnant people are MORE likely to suffer violence at the hands of an intimate partner than non-pregnant people. I've never understood WHY that is true, but it makes for an unforetunately feasible backstory for Anakin and Padme, were they humans that lived in our universe. also, I googled which states had women senators first and THERE WERE a few by the 1960s. Not many, but hey! The wiki entry on woman senators was interesting. And yes, I'm aware I'm a dork.


	7. Chapter 7

“Today we are focusing on chokeholds,” Ben began after the class𑁋 Rey’s fifth𑁋 had warmed up. “The approaches are different depending on whether or not someone is trying to drag you from behind, has you up against a wall or on the ground, or is simply choking you from the front. We’ll tackle two of these this class, and two next week.”

He was in his usual black gi pants, this time with a dark gray t-shirt that clung to him. It suited him, Rey thought. She tried not to focus on the way his biceps flexed as he demonstrated a front chokehold with Finn, but honestly, who  _ wouldn’t _ notice the way his body moved. It was so perfectly toned that he could probably lift a feather and his muscles would still stand out.

Finn stepped back with one leg and swiftly brought his entire upper half down and out, breaking Ben’s chokehold on him in a matter of seconds. How anyone could break out of arm’s  _ that _ strong, Rey was sure she would have never figured out on her own.

“You are using your entire body against the attacker’s weakest part of their grip, their two thumbs. Two thumbs can’t stop an entire body, but notice if you tried to move side to side, or back, or against their strength in any way, you won’t be effective. Remember to tense your neck muscles as you do it,” Ben continued.

“After you’ve worked on that one a bit, we’ll practice the trap and roll with the chokehold variation. As much as we hope the fight never makes it to the ground, this is something you need to practice over and over. We’ll come by when you get there. If you don’t have a partner, practice the hip thrust and roll while you wait for someone.”

Rey walked to the benches lining one wall to take a drink from her water bottle, since she’d gone rock climbing earlier that day at her favorite indoor climbing gym and was already feeling like she’d expended her energy for the day. She’d  _ almost  _ decided to skip the class, but her pride and genuine interest in what she was learning kept her from that decision.

As she approached her spot on the mats, she found that there was no one left to pair with her, and she looked to Ben, who was standing at the front of the workout area observing. 

_ This hasn’t happened in a while _ , she thought wryly as he approached her, having never puzzled out if he avoided her during class or if she was too sensitive.

He didn’t say much, gazing down at her with his mask fully in place, and she wondered if it took a lot of energy to be that controlled all the time.

“So, I’ll put my hands here,” he splayed his hands out in the general direction of her throat but didn’t quite touch her, “and you try to copy what Finn did.” 

Her eyes dropped to his broad chest when the energy created when they looked at one another began to feel too electric.

Ever so gently, he placed his hands on her, his thumbs caressing the column of throat in a way that surely wasn’t practical for learning self-defense. He swallowed when she bit her lower lip in concentration, hesitating, waiting to see if he would hold her neck more firmly.

“Go ahead, just practice the movement,” he said softly.

So she did.

She stepped back and swiftly swung her body out from his grasp. It wasn’t the most natural movement, but hardly more awkward than others she had attempted to learn under Ben’s watchful tutelage.

“Good. Again.”

She practiced it several more times, each time Ben holding her neck tighter and more realistically, to the point it became uncomfortable and her neck began to feel tired from tensing the muscles over and over.

He licked his lips.

“Do you remember the trap and roll we did? Where your hands were pinned above your head?”

“I do.” Rey remembered him teaching her that, hovering over her on the mats on her second class,  _ very well. _

“The choke hold variation isn’t terribly different, get down and I’ll show you.”

Rey did as she was told, and Ben crouched down in mount position, ghosting his hands along her neck again. His arms were so long he hardly had to try to reach her, and Rey wondered when he became so restrained when touching her, as physical as he seemed to be by nature.

“Monkey grip here,”𑁋 he took her right hand and placed it on his left forearm which remained gripping her neck lightly𑁋 “and bicep grab here,” he said, moving her left hand to his upper arm, his right hand taking its place at her neck after.

Rey held onto the places he instructed tightly as he loomed above her, and tried to remember what she was supposed to do to roll him from this point.

He tested her grips by tentatively trying to pull his arm out.

“Good. Now the rest is the same as before. Tuck in my foot, hip thrust and roll me.”

She vaulted her hips forward, managing to roll him despite their significant weight difference. Instead of ending up propped up on her knees and in control, she found herself draped over his torso, her body laying completely flush against his, her two hands still grasping his arms in the same place. She propped herself up, scrambling off.

“I don’t think that’s how I’m supposed to land.”

“No, but you’ll get there. I would recommend you try not to land  _ quite _ like that again.”

She laid back down, and Ben automatically resumed his position on top.

He looked… distracted, his eyes centered on some point on the floor above her head. All of a sudden, his hand was skimming along the back of her head. 

“There is a variation of this move that has a solution for what to do if someone grabs you by the hair, as well,” he murmured.

She could feel his fingers grasping gently behind her nape, and they stared at each other for a long moment.

“Okay,” she breathed. “I’ll try, but you are going to have to let go of my hair so I can do the chokehold, or teach me how to get out of this one.” She tried to turn her head, and his hand gave way. He placed his hands back onto her throat without saying anything else.

She flipped him again, trying to land more precisely, but she could feel that he wasn’t bearing down on her as hard as he had the first time she’d learned a variation of this move.

“Why are you doing that?”

“What?”

“Going easy on me. I can feel it. You aren’t pushing down on me. Not like the last time.You’re hardly even touching me.”

“I… I just want you to practice the movements. You need to do it slowly over and over in order to get it right.”

“Okay… but it just feels too easy this time.”

Ben sat back on his haunches and stared at her for a long minute, finally leaning back over her and settling himself on top of her. 

She squirmed a bit, trying to think through her strategy, his weight something she had asked for but still needed to adjust to. She thrust up tentatively, discouraged by how much harder it now felt to try to move him. 

She tried to break the tension with a breathy laugh.

“Why did I ask you to go harder on me, again?” He just waited patiently, his face betraying little.

She took in a deep breath, and pushed up as hard as she could, gauging correctly how much force she needed. He rolled to the side, unable to stay on top of her with her immobilizing his arm the way he’d shown her.

She landed on her knees, having tried hard to control the movement and not just flop her body over and onto Ben’s like she’d just done moments before. They repeated the roll three times, and Rey was breathing hard from the effort.

“Stars, you’re massive,” she complained after landing on top of him the third time, her hands accidentally raking down his chest and pushing off of his abs to help her sit back up. “I’ll be sore tomorrow if we keep this up.”

Ben abruptly scooted back away from her, his impossibly long legs backing him up quickly.

“I think you should practice the hip thrust and roll without me. Work on the motion and get the landing right.”

Before she knew it, he’d stood up, strode over to Finn and said something quietly, and disappeared into his office, closing the door.

He never came back out of the office, no matter how many times Rey glanced over at the closed door.

After saying goodbye to Finn and the other people she knew, Rey sat in her car for far too long, her keys dangling from the ignition pointlessly, her leg jumping up and down in agitation. Each moment that passed had her resolve growing stronger. She simply had to work up the courage. 

“This is ridiculous,” she muttered to herself, snatching her keys and marching back up to the building quickly from where she was parked down the street.

She could see through the windows that Ben had finally emerged from his hidey-hole, fully ensconced in his nightly routine.

She tried the door, unsurprised to find it locked, and pounded her hand on the clear glass to get Ben’s attention.

His head snapped up, and he had the decency to look startled.

“Did you forget something?” he asked, as he swung the door open.

“No. Can I come in?”

“Okay,” Ben said, puzzled, stepping out of the way. He walked back into the workout area to continue his chores, and Rey stopped just on the inside of the counters that delineated the entrance area.

“What’s going on?” Rey blurted out.

“With regards to what?” he responded carefully. Evenly. He turned to study her.

“Are you like this with everybody?” 

Ben’s face hardened.

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“Fine. Is there a reason you are so hot and cold with me? The first day we met I thought you seemed like a nice guy. Quiet, reserved maybe. But nice. I came to your stupid class because  _ you wanted me to. _ I didn’t even want to come,” she said, gesturing with her hands, her voice rising in pitch, while he continued to keep his expression schooled. She rushed through the rest of her words, aware that she was exploding all over the place, in contrast to his infuriatingly calm demeanor.

“It’s not  _ comfortable _ for me to be here, but I pushed myself. For you, even. Or at least at your encouragement. And I’m not sure why. I don’t even like  _ hugging  _ people or people touching me or being close to me, but not....” she hadn’t meant to go quite so far in her revelations, “...you. You seem to make me  _ want _ to want more, and sometimes I think you do too, and other times, you barely notice I’m around.”

A rush of emotions blew through him and he couldn’t help but to step closer.

“So, you’re angry because I  _ encouraged  _ you to come to a class you clearly need?”

“You’re so… so full of yourself. But fine, you were right the entire time and I needed this. I can see that maybe I’m mistaken, maybe that is all it was,” she said, shaking her head.

“You don’t...you’re not… you don’t know everything, Rey,” he muttered.

This time, it was Rey who stepped closer, and they couldn’t be more than a foot apart.

“Then  _ tell _ me,” she said simply, looking up at him. She grabbed his hand and pulled it to her chest, holding it just above where her heart was beating faster than usual, afraid to let him pull away.

He looked at her with what she wanted to believe was longing, but then he closed his eyes, shutting her out.

“What are you doing to me?” he asked. “I have been trying  _ so hard _ to maintain even an ounce of professionalism around you.”

Rey had never been one to take the lead, considering she never even really tried at dating. But she was too old for this nonsense, and she knew that made him  _ far _ too old.

She’d made her decision when she marched back up to the building and demanded he let her in.

All at once she raised her other hand to the back of his neck, intertwining with his hair and feeling it between her fingers. His lips were soft, and full, and she desperately wanted the kiss she had pulled him into to be more than her lips touching his gently, but she waited for him to react.

His hand at her chest tightened around hers and he pulled her impossibly close.

“Rey,” he breathed, pulling back only the tiniest fraction, and leaning his forehead against hers. “Is this what you want? Because I do. I always did. But you always seem like you are so unsure. You seem so… I didn’t want to… I’m not….”

Rey groaned.

“Are you done yet?”

“What?”

“I never thought I’d meet someone who overthought things as much as I do.”

Ben laughed. Ben actually  _ smiled _ , and his entire face transformed in front of her.

And then suddenly it felt like he was absolutely  _ everywhere _ , and nothing could have prepared her.

He kissed her, in earnest this time. No gentle, chaste kiss could be enough now that they’d laid things out in the open, even if just barely. He let go of her hand from where it had been sandwiched between them, his arm somehow skirting up around her waist and all the way to her upper back, pressing her into him between her shoulder blades. His other hand went to the back of her head grabbing at her loose hair, his tongue exploring her mouth. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever been held so tightly𑁋 so desperately.

He began moving her, walking her backwards and soon her hips hit the counters. He caged his arms around her while he continued to kiss her as if it was the only thing he’d ever wanted to do, her back arching downward from the force of it.

So she met him back full-force.

After all, this is what she’d asked for, in not so many words. She was desperate to get what she had been left wanting since she had met him while it was being offered, irrationally afraid that he might withdraw at any moment.

When she moved her head to the side to catch her breath, he simply began kissing her neck instead. She gripped his sides with her hands to get his attention.

“Ben,” she said breathlessly. “Do you want to go back to my place?”

He stopped kissing her and rested his forehead against hers, breathing heavily.

He didn’t say anything for a long moment, and she was  _ just  _ about to withdraw her question and pretend it wasn’t a big deal.

“I… I’d be happy to take you right here if that’s what you want. No need to change locations,” he said as if he’d answered some mundane question, as if it was not an explosive thing to say.

Rey’s mouth dropped open.

“Who are you and what have you done with the man that’s been so elusive over the past month?” she giggled.

Instead of answering, he lifted his forehead from her and towered over her with a mischievous grin.

Suddenly, she was falling𑁋 stumbling forward and down, landing right on top of him in the padded floor covering.

Ben had dropped unceremoniously to the floor, his arms still locked around her, pulling her down on top of him.

“Hey!” she shouted, as she was now straddling him.

“What?” he asked innocently, his hands roaming lower and lower down her back and finally squeezing her ass. 

“I’ve wanted to grab you like that since the day you waltzed in here in that stupid skirt and heels.”

“Here? You really want to do it here?” she squeaked, looking down on him and the unfairly beautiful way his hair had fallen against the floor.

“I’d like nothing more,” he whispered, and she bent down to kiss him again, throwing any more caution out the window.

She ground her modest hips against his much larger ones, searching for friction. All the time they’d spent close to one another, holding back, schooling thoughts and expressions, guarding wants and wishes𑁋 that was all over.

Kissing him was like nothing she had experienced before, and no matter how much he gave her she wanted more. His hands slipped under her shirt, begging her silently to let him pull off her loose tank top and sports bra. She separated her lips from his only long enough to do so, sitting up and whipping them both off at the same time.

They looked at each other for a moment, exchanging a look that said, yes, they were really doing this, finally.

Ben sat up suddenly, taking a nipple into his mouth and sucking gently, almost reverently. Rey encircled both arms around his head and arched into him, swirling her hips the entire time. He kissed up her neck, to her lips, and back down the other side to the other breast. She never stopped the motion of her hips, and she was ready for more, even though they’d barely begun.

Maybe Ben knew, because at that moment he flipped her over as if she weighed nothing and her back hit the floor just a little too hard. He pulled his shirt off over his head and leaned over her, kissing her fervently again.

Back and forth, gentle and rough, it seemed, was Ben Solo during sex.

Rey shimmied her hips, awkwardly trying to pull down her pants when Ben leaned back on his knees to help her, giving Rey a full view of how ready he also was.

“Christ, no panties?” he muttered, as he cast them aside.

“What? They just get dirty anyway. You wash your exercise clothes every time, don’t you?” she teased. 

A rush of emotions hit him all over again. How was this girl so damn cute and adorable while splayed out before him nearly entirely naked? 

“You are going to be the end of me. I can feel it,” he told her.

She scrunched her face.

“And you are going to continue to be overly serious, even just before you fuck me on the floor of your place of business.”

Ben’s face became impossibly hungrier, and he freed his cock, and leaned back over her.

“Please tell me you are ready?” 

“Uh-huh,” she breathed, but he’d barely waited for her to answer anyway.

She closed her eyes, relishing the feeling of him finally  _ finally _ inside her. It had been so long, far too long, or maybe it had never felt like this anyway.

He groaned, and started slowly, moving in and out and savoring it.

“I’ve thought about this you know,” he whispered in her ear. “ _ Exactly _ this. You, on the floor, in my place, doing what I want after teasing me all class long.”

“Teasing  _ you? _ Please. You  _ want  _ me to be hot for teacher, don't you?”

“Whatever turns you on, sweetheart,” he said, instead of really answering.

Rey lifted her feet from their place on the ground and wrapped them around his waist, pulling him in deeper. She buried her head in the crook of his neck, smelling his sweaty Ben-only smell, mixed with some kind of pleasant aftershave.

“Faster, you can go faster, Ben, I don’t care.” 

He obliged her and she couldn’t help the sounds she made as she met him with each thrust, fucking herself onto him even from this position. She wasn’t sure she recognized herself. This needy, lusty feeling inside her propelling her body with no coherent thought.

Somehow, he lifted her ass without missing one beat in his rhythm and her hips rested on his arm, completely changing the angle for her. Rey yelped at the surprise, but it felt amazing, and her orgasm erupted just a moment later. Ben soon followed, coming hard with a final groan right next to her ear.

After a few minutes, he lifted his head from where he had collapsed on top of her, and kissed her cheek, her lips and then her cheek again.

She giggled at his silliness, and the way his longish hair tickled her chest when he lay his head on her breasts.

“Hey, now, you aren’t supposed to laugh at a man that just did the best he could on short notice.”

"I just can't believe we actually did that," she said catching her breath and settling down. "How am I ever going to walk into this building with a straight face again?"

"I hope that means you enjoyed yourself," he said, a vulnerable look doing its best to hide behind his eyes when he lifted his head back up to look at her.

The mood shifted suddenly as it always seemed to do with them, and Rey resisted the urge to tell him that it would be impossible not to enjoy doing that with him, over and over for the rest of her life, particularly since she can't seem to think about anyone else since the day they met.

Instead she looked up at him as he balanced over her and smiled.

"Oh, please, you were there. It was hot."

Ben flopped over onto his back with a smug grin on his face. He propped himself up with one arm, and the other snaked its way down to her center, lightly stroking her with his long fingers.

“Ok, it was hot, but… are we done?”

Rey was already beginning to feel a second, stronger orgasm building at the more direct contact.

“Well, no, not if you intend to keep doing that,” she said, stretching like a cat and arching her back. It doesn’t take long𑁋 certainly less than a minute𑁋 and Rey was flying high again, moaning louder than she ever had, possibly, as he circled her clit with ever-increasing pressure.

As she came down, he pulled her into his side and she couldn't help but dance her fingers along his chest.

“So, you’ve thought about this  _ exactly? _ ” 

“I… probably shouldn’t have said that.”

“Why? I wanted to know. I’d never  _ have _ known. You aren’t exactly an open book.”

He didn’t answer, just tightened his arms around her, afraid that the night should come to an end so that they could catch their breath and think about what it might mean. 

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, he gently extricated himself from her, and jumped to his feet, pulling his pants back up as he went.

"Shall we, my lady?" he asked, coming to his feet and holding a hand out for her.

“Shall we what?”

“Go upstairs to my apartment and shower.”

She sighed and put her hand in his, rising up to meet him.

"Fine, I'll take a shower with you but only because you are the one that dirtied me up."

Suddenly her good sense returned and she yelped remembering that the front walls were made of glass and were only 15 feet away from her naked body.

"Oh my Stars, Ben! People can see us,” she said, clinging to him.

"We're behind the counter and it’s deserted right now. And they would just see my naked back. They can't see you."

She peeked over his shoulder and noticed that the street was quite empty, and he was right in that he was mostly hiding her.

"Well, thank goodness you're huge, but how  _ loud _ was I?" she asked, mortified.

Instead of saying anything he just looked amused. She bent down to grab her clothes, holding them to her chest at the sudden feeling of exposure, and sprinted along the wall and around to the door that he’d indicated went to a stairwell leading to his loft.

“Isn’t it weird? Your home being just beyond a door in your workplace?” she asked, as she climbed the steps.

“I still have a front door, and a lock, Rey,” he answered, as if it was an odd question.

The top of the non-descript stairs ended in a landing and a door that led to a hallway that contained the entrance to his apartment, and a nicer set of stairs that led down to the street at the side of the building, and she realized they were really using the back entrance.

Ben’s home was clean and would seem darker due to the color scheme if not for the huge windows that mirrored the bottom floor design, the street lights shining through a large open floor plan. The furniture was gray and dark wood stained, and Rey followed Ben through the main room to a modern looking bathroom with stainless steel fixtures and pale green tile. 

He held a hand out to her, silently asking her to join him, after setting on the warm water.

She climbed underneath the spray and as they soaped each other up without speaking she was hit with the realization that it felt intimate in an entirely different way than what they had just done downstairs. The silence was palpable as she was content at observing him in such a different setting, but it wasn’t forced. She studied his face, the lines near his eyes that showed his age but just slightly. He ran his hands through her hair the way he had wanted to earlier in the evening, during the class.

But soon, Ben shut off the water and handed her a fluffy towel from the utilitarian shelf next to the shower.

“Do you have a change of clothes?”

She scrunched her nose.

“I wouldn’t usually have any reason to bring one, so no, but I’ll survive the drive home.” She laughed. “Even though it just feels wrong to put them back on.”

“You feel decent enough to come and have dinner with me?”

She pulled on her leggings and shook out her top. It was fine.

“Sex and food? Sure, I think so. If you feed me every time, I might just want to do it again,” she joked. Even with everything that had transpired between them that evening, she didn’t want to be too serious. She was still… intimidated by everything she wanted, and sure he couldn’t be feeling the same way so quickly.

Ben didn’t respond to that and as usual it was impossible for her to even get an idea of what he might be thinking, but a few minutes later, as they left his apartment together, she felt lighter and happier than she’d thought possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D :D :D Maybe they'll get it together. But their story is only half way over.


	8. Chapter 8

They sat at the restaurant that same Saturday night, after choosing one in walking distance from Ben’s apartment, sharing not just one, but  _ two _ appetizers. Rey should probably care about some antiquated idea of first date etiquette, assuming that’s what this is, about not eating too much or ordering too much. But she doesn’t. She’s comfortable around Ben enough not to overthink that, at least. Not overthinking everything else was a work in progress.

“You know, I love Vietnamese food. I’d never even tried it until I was…. In college. When I was at least 20 or so,” she said. 

“I grew up trying everything. Traveling all over.”

“Must have been nice,” she said wistfully.

“Maybe. I guess it had some perks.”

Rey knew him well enough not to expect him to elaborate. The atmosphere wasn’t exactly tense, though it was obvious neither of them knew what to talk about now. Rey distracted herself with the food, and was afraid to look up at Ben’s face, unsure of what she would find there. 

“What did you mean when you said you don’t like anyone else to touch you but me?” 

Rey finally looked up at him. It was hard now that lines had been crossed to look at him without wanting to reach her hand up and run her fingers through his dark hair, or think about how vindicated she felt to finally know what it was like for him to open himself, at least physically, to her. She considered how much to say in her answer.

“I meant exactly that. I guess when it comes to some things, I have strict boundaries. I’ve learned the hard way that that is better for me. And yet, for some reason, you tear them down.”

He realized he was leaning heavily on the table, bent toward her, and let out a breath while sitting back against the old, vinyl booth.

“Okay, but why?”

“Why does anybody? What is it that you are trying to get me to admit to here?”

“Admit? I’m just trying to understand.”

“And I’ve been trying to understand you since I met you, Ben. You don’t exactly say much either. I’ve told you the truth.”

“I wasn’t insinuating that you were lying, Rey. I was just wondering about it.” 

The server walked up just then with their main courses, a welcome interruption, as far as Rey was concerned, to the back and forth.

They ate silently for a few minutes, Rey swirling the noodles of her Pho Ga around on her chopsticks, trying to cool it down, while thinking about what to say. On the one hand, she felt like she’d put herself out there quite a bit tonight, initiating the entire evening, really. 

“What is this to  _ you _ , Ben? Why do you want to know more about me? Because you want this to be more than a one time thing, or because you… I don’t know, just like to scrutinize people? You always seem like you are studying and observing me. It should probably bother me, but instead it makes me practically beg you to jump my bones when you haven’t  _ really _ made it seem like that was what you wanted.”

Ben scoffed.

“Of course it’s what I want. You act like I’m so mysterious. I said it all…  _ earlier _ ,” he emphasized the last word, his meaning clear.

“Did you?”

She leaned forward before he could answer and whispered.

“You said you’d thought about fucking me on the floor of a gym. I mean, I knew you were good with having sex once I offered it, but so are half the people I could encounter in a day, probably. I have a vagina, Ben. It doesn’t take much.”

Ben sighed and Rey leaned back and crossed her arms.

“ _ This _ is exactly why I’ve been careful about the impression I give you, Rey. It’s so obvious that you don’t trust men, or maybe you don’t trust anyone. And I’m teaching a  _ self-defense class _ . Would it be appropriate for me to have been hitting on you this entire time?”

“What makes it obvious?”

“What?”

“What makes it obvious? I try really hard to be nice, and  _ approachable _ . I met you doing my job, for crying out loud. What do I do that makes you think I’m so  _ distrusting  _ and fragile?”

“I didn’t say fragile. I’m just not trying to be a goddamn predator, Rey.”

Rey leaned back, thinking all of that over. She blew out a breath, her next words losing the terse whispered tone they’d been speaking in.

“Okay. I think I understand.”

They went back to their food, both mulling over the last hour. Ben thought it best not to mention Rey’s reaction to her first class, or that he’d been dying to know what reasons Rey did have for the strange way she’d dropped out of Finn’s life, and why neither of them wanted to talk about it.

Rey nudged his foot under the table, and smiled, trying to soften the moment.

“So, you  _ do _ want to do this again, then?” she said, going back to something he’d said minutes ago, about  _ of course  _ he wanted this.

“I want to do all of it again. This, that, and maybe some others,” he smirked.

Rey felt warm inside, her fondness for him growing exponentially now that she felt less unsure he returned at least some of her feelings.

“So, now I don’t have to come to your ridiculous class anymore, right? Now that you got what you wanted?”

Ben choked on his water, clearly not expecting that.

“Of course you do.”

“Why? You got me. It was all an elaborate plan all along wasn’t it?” she said in a sing-sing voice.

Ben set down his utensils and rubbed his forehead with one hand.

“Don’t say that. That is  _ not  _ what I was doing. And yes, you need the class.”

Rey scoffed and pointed her chopsticks at him as she responded..

“ _ You _ don’t know what I need. Although you kind of did earlier. But that’s not the point. Anyway, I’ll keep coming if only because I’ll probably be able to focus better now that I’m not constantly wondering what it would be like to have sex with you,” said airily.

His eyes were impossibly deep as he studied her.

“You will absolutely be the end of me, Rey. I swear,” Ben said, not breaking eye contact. “Had I known what you were thinking this whole time… I don’t think I would have been able to teach you at  _ all.” _

What was odd to her was that she realized that if his striking physicality and commanding presence hadn’t done her in, his vulnerability absolutely would. It was terrifying, actually, how badly she wanted nothing but the best for this man. Nothing but… everything she was sure he deserved just for being who he was. What he was doing with her, she couldn’t say. 

* * *

Rey sat at her desk in between tasks Monday morning, her fingers itching to type into the search bar, her brain warring with itself.

Obviously things were progressing with her and Ben in a sense, but she still didn’t know him, not really. She wanted to  _ get _ to know him, in his way, but the impulse to search for information online was too great. She undoubtedly would have searched for him online before she’d even published the article on the gym if she’d realized at first that he was MMA famous.

She’d just look him up on facebook, she told herself. Everybody does that. She knew the  _ gym _ had social media, but those contained basic information and were undoubtedly maintained by Finn. 

The instant she finished typing in  _ Ben Solo _ she was unsurprised that she didn’t find an account that looked like him. But as she scrolled past the first hits that showed actual accounts, articles and videos popped up with his name.

They were old; from his time competitively fighting.

_ Solo v. Maul Heavyweight Full Fight Video _

_ Solo Pledges Retirement After One Last Fight _

_ Dooku v. Solo Heavyweight Match, Solo’s Stunning Knockout _

_ Solo Will Fight Despite Father in Hospital, Says He Won’t Give Maul the Satisfaction _

She hovered over the first video, quickly glancing around and putting on headphones before pressing play.

Ben was something to behold in the match𑁋 his hair was impossibly short, which was odd after knowing him with it long, and he moved smoothly and powerfully. The fight was… slower… then she might have thought, as the two fighters tried to get the other one in positions they couldn’t escape from without harm, clearly pausing in safe locked positions when they were tiring as the minutes ticked by. She wasn’t sure she’d even understand what she was watching quite as much if she hadn’t at least had a little exposure to that MMA class she’d attended what felt like a year ago, the first week they’d met. 

Ben won the match, according to some point system she didn’t know much about, and she clicked on the video that had  _ knockout _ in the title, stunned to see how quickly he’d dropped his opponent to the floor on that one. The violence inherent in Ben’s hit was striking but contained, and she wondered how on earth anyone prepared themselves for the possibility of serious injury as they trained for what was, essentially, a day at work.

What amount of adrenalin would be coursing through your veins the day before a match, and could someone even stand it, she wondered? As if she didn’t already realize Ben was  _ different  _ somehow from anyone she’d ever met, this made her ponder a different side of him. She  _ knew _ he was a fighter, but the match was altogether different than he was teaching his classes. She tried to make it fit somehow with how gentle she perceived him to be.

She leaned back in her chair, lost in thought. He wasn’t exactly gentle though, was he? He was… something else. He wasn’t brutal or cruel either however. He was clinical. She could see that; MMA was a sport, and it was almost hard to watch someone she… cared about… take blows, but he had looked in control and efficient and powerful and very  _ Ben _ at the same time. When the referee announced his win, Ben’s expression was as controlled as always. She clicked another video, and this one showed the fighters before hand, jumping up and down and pumping themselves up, but even then Ben didn’t look terribly emotive. 

Next, she hovered over the headline about his father. Her natural curiosity in combination with her skills as a reporter made internet sleuthing second nature to her, but she wondered if that one was better left alone. 

Her curiosity won out, and she skimmed the article that led to some sports website before watching the video of Ben being interviewed by the press.

_ “Did you consider bowing out of the match because of the situation with your father?”  _ the reporter on the screen asked.

Ben’s face flitted through a few emotions, from genuine surprise to annoyance and settling on indignation, answering with a terse, “No comment.”

_ “Was the rivalry between you and Maul a part of your decision?” _

_ “I believe I’ve said it before, any supposedly rivalry is on his part. If he wants to continue to challenge me, I’ll do what I do with every match. Approach it head on and may the best man win.” _ Ben replied, turning abruptly and ending the interview.

* * *

After lunch, Rey and Jannah make the walk back to the office a little longer, passing by notable buildings and discussing which ones they might be able to find old photos for to use in the project. As they waited for the pedestrian crossing light to switch, Rey pointed down the street.

“A few blocks that way is the MMA gym I did a story on. I could ask the owner specifically if he ever saw an old photo or knows what the building was before he renovated it. I assume he renovated it himself since it looks like it was made to be a gym. I can’t imagine much else being there with the way the building is set up inside.”

“Why don’t we go ask now? I really don’t feel like being back in the office yet, and I don’t have any assignments to get my out of the building for the afternoon.”

Rey considered it for a moment. She didn’t think it would be too awkward seeing Ben again, so it seemed like as good an idea as any to see him now under business pretenses. And she definitely did want to see him.

“Sure, it’s not too far.”

They turned in the opposite direction they’d been heading, observing their surroundings with fresh eyes as they studied the buildings.

“So, what’s it like being stuck with the other photographers?” Rey pried. “Do you like the rest of them?”

“Sure, I like everybody just fine. Our section is usually a bit boring and quiet though, since we are always out on assignment.”

“What do you think about Snap?”

Jannah turned her head to glance at Rey for a second while they walked.

“I think he’s… fine, but… I don’t spend much time talking to him.”

“Why is that?”

“Honestly, he doesn’t say much to  _ me _ . He seems a bit disinterested.”

Rey figured she’d better get to the point. She didn’t get the impression Jannah was the type of co-worker to cause drama or gossip.

“He sends me a lot of messages on facebook. But hardly speaks to me in person. Isn’t that weird? I thought maybe he was just shy or something, and maybe you knew him better.”

“I don’t think it’s  _ shy _ , I think it’s… I’m not sure. And I think you shouldn’t lose any sleep over him. Just ignore him.”

“But isn’t that… mean? If he hasn’t done anything wrong?”

Jannah considered her for a minute.

“What kind of messages exactly does he send you? Because it seems like he’s making you uncomfortable.”

“Honestly, he mostly sends me pictures of me,” Rey felt a flash of embarrassment at talking about it.

“He sends you pictures of yourself?” Jannah asked incredulously.

“Yes. He sent me pictures he took of me at the place we are headed to right now, shots of me at the class that we didn’t use for the article. And then another time a picture of me at my desk. And one in the breakroom. But it’s not often.”

“Rey, just block him. That’s weird. Why would somebody do that?”

“Because photographers like taking pictures?” she answered halfheartedly. “I don’t know. I thought maybe he was just socially awkward or something.”

“I think it’s nice that you want to see the best, Rey, really. But that’s not awkward. Maybe in person he could be interpreted that way, but online he’s being a creep. Even if he wanted to be friends online the picture thing is weird. I say block him and don’t give it another thought.”

“But what if I’m wrong and I hurt his feelings?”

“Wrong about what? About him being a nice guy and not meaning anything by it? Because even so, you can’t be wrong about your feelings, and your feelings were conflicted enough that you decided to ask my opinion on his behavior, no?”

Rey hadn’t thought about it quite like that. She wasn’t wrong about her feelings, she couldn’t be. He made her uncomfortable. Even the messages that weren’t pictures felt intrusive, but it bothered her when she couldn’t say exactly why.

When she didn’t answer, lost in thought, Jannah continued.

“He’s an older, married man anyhow. I’m not saying friends or co-workers have to be the same gender or age, but really. He sounds more and more like a creep the more I think about it. I’m pretty sure there was another person at the paper that avoided him, but I never asked her why.”

“So, you’d never send me a picture of me working at my desk?” Rey asked, mostly joking.

“Well… photographers... we do never stop seeing things as pictures everywhere, but even if I sent a co-worker one because the moment struck me, I doubt I’d send several, spaced weeks or days apart.”

Rey shook her head absentmindedly.

“Fair point, Jannah. Fair point. I just always feel guilty that I’m overreacting.”

“Well, let that guilt go then,” Jannan laughed. “Truly.”

Just then, they reached the MMA gym, and Rey opened the door and waited for Jannah to enter.

Like the last time Rey had come earlier in the day, the space was being used more like a traditional gym and open space for sparring.

Rey didn’t see anyone she recognized, so while Jannah looked around the entrance area she walked through and knocked on the open office door, where Ben sat working at his desk.

“Yes?” he said, hardly looking up.

“Hello, Ben. I just dropped by with𑁋”

Ben’s head snapped up quickly, and he stood, his chair scraping against the floor.

“Hey, I didn’t realize that was you.”

“Uh yeah, it’s me. I just dropped by𑁋”

Ben closed the distance between them, and interrupted her again.

“It’s nice to see you.”

He stopped just in front of where she still stood by the door, unsure of what more to do, but wanting to touch her in some way. Rey hadn’t seen him on Sunday, and didn’t call or text. 

And while they’d had fun on their date-like night, they hadn’t defined anything.

“It’s nice to see you, too,” Rey beamed up at him, the natural pull between them causing her to tilt her chin up and closer to him, and she began to stretch her arm out to link her hand with his.

Jannah rounded the corner just then, stopping short and looking between them.

Ben looked over at her and back at Rey, and Rey belatedly realized  _ now _ would be the time to try to finish her explanation of why she was there a third time.

“This is Jannah, she’s a photographer,” Rey started. “Jannah, this is Ben, he runs the school.”

“Hello Ben who runs the school,” Jannah replied with a pleased smile on her face, holding out her hand for Ben to shake.

After they gave him the gist of what they were doing, Ben said he had pictures of the building before he completely gutted it that might be useful.

“I think it was a bakery, but a large-scale one, that provided wholesale goods to the town. It hadn’t been used in years when I bought the building,” Ben said. “Anyway, I think the sign on the outside said something like ‘Chandrila’s’. I can find the pictures for you.”

“That’d be great. Even the name helps, who knows,” said Jannah.

Ben walked them outside to say goodbye after a bit more small talk.

“Rey, why don’t you just come by tonight? I’ll find the pictures after my last class, and you can pick them up.”

“Alright, sure.”

They waved him off and set back towards the office.

“So, now I see.”

“See what?” Rey responded.

“I see… why you are  _ not  _ interested in the server at the coffee shop.”

“Oh, do you?” Rey wasn’t sure if Jannah was observant or if she was just that obvious to everyone.

“I do indeed. Also, he could easily send you a text with the name, or take a picture of the photo, no? But somebody wants you to  _ come by. _ ”

“Well, I suppose I could tell him to text it to me.”

“Don’t you dare! Where is the fun in that?”Jannah bumped Rey’s arm with her elbow.

Rey just smiled back and didn’t respond, and they went back to talking about the buildings they passed by as they made their way back to work.


	9. Chapter 9

Rey knocked on the door to Ben’s loft for the first time. He’d texted her that she could come straight up to his apartment through the other entrance to the building if she wanted to come after 7 p.m. to get the picture she wanted to see, and she decided that sounded better to her than stopping by the gym right after work.

He opened the door, looking freshly showered and casual in jeans and a black t-shirt.

“You’re wearing real clothes,” Rey blurted out, instead of saying hello.

“Well… that’s better than fake ones?” he questioned, his eyes crinkling a bit at the corners.

“I just hadn’t seen you wear anything outside of the gym.”

“Ah. Well, behold, I do in fact have what you deem real clothes,” he said, stepping aside so she could enter.

He gently grabbed her elbow as she stepped inside, impulsively pressing a kiss to her lips as she passed by.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

“That’s okay,” she smiled up at him, biting her bottom lip and considering whether or not to attack him the way she had done the weekend before. 

“Did you eat?” he asked, interrupting her thoughts.

“You told me not to, remember? I follow orders very well.”

A hard to decipher expression passed on Ben’s face.

“Do you, now?”

Rey rolled her eyes, and continued walking into the loft.

“So, what’s for dinner?”

“I ordered something from my favorite diner. It should be here soon, I hope you’ll like it.”

“I’m easy, I like anything.”

“Well, you did seem to imply on Saturday night that feeding you is in my best interests,” Ben said, gazing at her intently.

Rey’s cheeks heated up ever so slightly, and she cleared her throat.

“It might be,” she confirmed. 

She followed him into the kitchen area, and he pulled a few drinks out of the fridge, handing her an expensive looking soda in a glass bottle. She sat down on a cushy leather covered bar stool that sat next to the kitchen island, and noticed that Ben almost looked… nervous, as if he wasn’t sure if he should sit next to her.

“Let me go get the picture for you. I found it,” he said suddenly, leaving the room. Rey doubted he had to search much for anything in such an orderly looking environment.

Rey sighed and got up, walking around the kitchen and admiring the shining reddish granite countertops. She wasn’t sure she’d ever seen anything like it, but somehow it worked with the grays that made up the rest of the kitchen. 

She felt him come up behind her, and he handed her the photo to see as she turned around.

“Wow, it does look different now, even if most of your changes were on the inside,” she observed. “‘Chandrila’s’, just like you said. I’ll have to see if I can find anything by that name in our archives.”

She moved to set her drink down and took her phone out of her back pocket to snap a picture of the photograph to send to Jannah.

“Why do you even have it printed out? I’m surprised you didn’t just have a jpeg to send me?”

“Oh, well... it doesn’t really matter, but I had it printed out for something, and I didn’t take the original photo.”

“What was it printed out for?” she asked, mainly trying to make conversation.

He hesitated.

“For my mom. She wanted to frame the old picture and put it next to a picture of the renovated building. Downstairs, by the entrance or something.”

“Oh. That’s a nice idea. Why didn’t you?”

“It was just her thing. And, she hasn’t been by yet. To see it all finished.”

Rey raised her eyebrows and looked up at him curiously, pocketing her phone and handing him the photo back.

“But, you finished years ago. The gym is what, four years old?” She cocked her head to the side.

Just then, there was a knock on the door and Ben went to collect the food, but Rey’s curiosity was still piqued, especially with the video mentioning his father that she’d watched earlier that day. 

They sat down at his counter to eat and Rey weighed whether or not to resume the conversation.

“So, you know I was a foster kid, right? I don’t know anything about my family, like at all,” she emphasized the last two words. “I don’t know if my parents were in an accident. I don't know if they left me. I don’t know if they wanted me. All I know is when I was barely five they didn’t come home, and I think a neighbor took me to social services. My memories… they don’t work quite right.”

“I’m sorry, Rey,” Ben said in response, when she paused to take a bite of her food.

“No need to be sorry. I’m just saying… if we are ever going to have a conversation about the parents, uh, that’s it for me. I don’t have anything else. My memories are like… broken pieces of time, that are fuzzy like old photos. I don't have anything to offer really, if you ever wanted to know.”

Ben sighed, setting down his fork, and gathering his thoughts.

“I’m not rushing anything. I’m not saying we have to make anything more serious than it is, I just thought… I don’t know. That I’d mention it, because𑁋” Rey trudged ahead, but Ben interrupted her with a gentle hand on her thigh.

“I’m just thinking of what to say to that, Rey. I’m not going to freak out about you rushing things, okay?”

“Okay, it’s just that you never say much, not really, about yourself. And I thought maybe, you didn’t want to...”

“We’ve only known each other a month, Rey. And I haven’t spent that much time with just you. And there isn’t anything I want to say about  _ my _ family. My mom has never come by because we just aren’t close, and there’s no reason to get into it. A lot of things happened, and it’s in the past. So if you are worried about... I don’t know... me wanting you to meet the parents or something, don’t. All that really matters is you and me, right?”

Rey wasn’t sure at all that that was entirely right, but what did she know?

“I can’t really picture what it’s like to have a traditional family, a mother, or a decent father figure for that matter, so I guess I can’t imagine not being close to one either. But I know all about not revisiting the past.”

Ben peered at her, his lips moving oddly as if he was biting the inside of his cheek. 

“My father died,” he said simply, with hardly any inflection in his voice.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Ben,” she replied. “I have a confession to make. I hope it doesn’t make you angry.”

“Angry?” he asked, surprised, picking up his drink.

“I might have googled you. I saw some of your old fights. And I saw this odd headline, about your father.”

A mix of emotions crossed his face, decidedly settling on amused.

“You googled me,” he said with a smirk.

“I’m a journalist. I google things.”

“And did you like what you found?”

“MMA fights are mildly entertaining.”

“Which ones did you watch?”

“Oh, hush. I don’t know. I hardly paid attention.”

Ben smiled, but took in a deep breath.

“He didn’t die until a year, maybe, after that, when I was building this place. He was sick, and in the hospital a few times. I didn’t see him until it was too late. I’m not even sure if he recognized me. I went to the hospital, he was in and out of consciousness, he put his hand on my cheek, and he died. And I left. I didn’t go to the funeral. I didn’t help my mother do anything. I was too angry, about… things...and...anyway, like I said, it’s in the past.”

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

“It’s fine,” he said, a bit too automatically. And it felt to Rey as if that conversation was over.

“The food is good,” Rey said, tiring of the heaviness. “Somehow not what I pictured your ordering?”

“It’s a good place. Simple.”

“It  _ is _ good,” she said, eating the last of her sweet potato fries and flaky, fried fish. “Aren’t people who workout as much as you do supposed to be really healthy? I didn’t picture you ordering from a place that probably only fries things.”

“It’s a special occasion,” he said mildly.

“Oh, is it?”

“Sure.”

When they were done, Ben got up and threw their trash away and Rey wandered to the other side of the loft, looking out the floor length windows. She could see the city square they had passed walking home that time a few weeks ago not too far away. She didn’t turn when she felt Ben come up behind her.

“I guess it’s late now, and I have to work tomorrow.”

“It’s not that late,” he replied, lightly rubbing his knuckle down her arm. “You’re welcome to stay.”

She did turn then, and he had a heated expression that gave her butterflies in her stomach and a tingling sensation running down the lengths of her arms. 

“The paper doesn’t start at noon, you know. We aren’t all able to keep your hours,” she deflected.

“It’s still not that late.”

His hand came up to her cheek and a moment after she closed her eyes and leaned into it she felt him kissing the column of her throat from the side. His lips were impossibly warm and soft.

“You really meant it, then?”

“Meant what?” His voice was muffled and close to her ear, his hand now in her hair.

“That you wanted this the whole time? That you were just trying not to be… not to make me uncomfortable?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Okay,” she replied in a breathy voice and turned fully into him to find his lips when he pulled back slightly from what he had been doing. “Me too, then. Well, sort of. Something like that. But the reverse. Maybe.”

He laughed against her, grabbing the backs of her thighs and hoisting her up suddenly.

“You really should do something with those muscles, right? I mean, what are they, for show? Since you don’t beat people up anymore?”

“Are you going to talk the whole time?”

“Are you going to be serious and broody the whole time?”

“I’m not broody.”

“The jury is still out on that one, but you are definitely serious.”

“I’m serious about getting you too distracted to continue making jokes.”

She wrapped her legs around his waist since he was already holding her up as if she weighed nothing, and kissed him back, breathing him in. She wasn’t interested in continuing the banter any longer. It was freeing to let her instincts take over in the way she seemed unable to help around him, as if she’d been holding her breath for years, and now she was reveling in inhaling him like he was the fresh air in the early morning. 

After a minute, he carried her to his pristine and boxy gray couch and flopped her down, her back hitting the cushions possibly harder than he’d intended.

“Is this a thing with you? Do you  _ always  _ have to throw me down on something?” She loved it, though.

“Yes,” he said, unbuttoning his pants while she threw off her shirt and looked up at him, her eyes wild and dark. 

“We’re doing this all wrong, you know. We should have sex in a bed like a nice, romantic couple. Not the way we seem to do it.”

“Maybe we aren’t a nice, romantic couple,” he murmured, bending over to pull the straps of her simple bra down.

His hands fell away when she pushed him up forcefully, wanting him to lean back so she could straddle him. Though he seemed to naturally take the lead, it only made her feel equally as powerful, and she set her mind to taking back a bit of control. 

He looked up at her, an expectant fire burning in his eyes, perfectly content to let her have her way, and she tangled her fingers into his hair as she resumed their heated kissing from before, a sense of urgency pulling at her, his head tilting back as he reciprocated everything she was communicating without words.

* * *

It was weird, when her cellphone’s alarm rang on the table beside Ben’s bed. She’d set it for 7 a.m., so that she would have plenty of time to go back to her apartment and get ready for work at 9 a.m.

She quickly silenced it, waking easily in the new environment and not wanting to wake Ben. She’d always woken easily, having gotten used to falling asleep in new places when she’d been moved around as a kid. Her bedroom in the apartment she’d been in since she’d finished college had become a safe haven, a safe constant in the life she was building for herself. 

But for once it was  _ nice _ to wake up in a new bed and feel content. She stretched and rolled onto her stomach to study Ben, who looked younger when he slept. She realized she hadn’t succeeded in not waking him, however.

“Hey,” he said blearily.

“I’ve got to go,” she whispered. The soft, relaxing light of morning coming through the windows made it hard to resist when he ignored her and shifted over to pull her into him. He was in his boxer briefs, and she had on her t-shirt and underwear from the night before, and the sheets felt cool against her legs. She’d snuggle into his arms, at least for another minute, she decided.

She stroked her fingers along the taut muscles of his back for a few minutes, relishing in the newness of it all. When she felt herself slipping back to sleep, she pulled away.

“I really do have to go,” she said reluctantly, sitting up. 

Ben tightened his grip around her.

“You said we need to be more romantic and have sex in a bed.”

Rey giggled.

“Well, I didn’t mean for that to happen when I have to leave for work in an hour.”

Ben propped himself up on his elbows and looked at her with a gleam in his eye.

“Fifteen minutes. I’ll make you coffee. Or tea? Which one? I’ll make it. You’ll stay in my bed for fifteen minutes. You’ll take your hot beverage of choice with you, and you’ll be at work on time.”

“You don’t even know if I drink coffee or tea!”

But Ben was already sitting up.

“Then I guess you should tell me.”

“Coffee in the morning. Tea at night.”

“Good. And no moving. Fifteen minutes. I’ll be right back.”

Rey flopped back on to the bed and breathed in his sheets. She could get used to this.

* * *

The work week dragged along and Rey couldn’t wait to see Ben on Friday night. The gym was hosting an event where people could watch aspiring local MMA fighters spar. 

She walked into the open house feeling light𑁋 her casual but developing relationship with Ben had left her feeling confident and energized, and attending anything he held at the gym felt like a new normal for her. She could hardly remember why she’d been so scared to initiate something with him in the first place. It was funny the way insecurities could fall away when they worked out in one’s favor. 

The gym was buzzing with anticipation, people milling about and talking before the matches were set to begin. She still probably wouldn’t watch fighting for sport if Ben, and maybe Finn, weren’t in her life, but one couldn’t help but feel the energy in the room.

She walked up behind Ben, who was chatting with several people. He looked good from behind, dressed in a back logoed shirt and gi pants. She resisted the urge to link her arm through his and stand at his side, as if she belonged there permanently. Instead she brushed her hand on his shoulder, trailing her hand down his strong forearm lightly, smiling as she brushed past him. 

He met her eyes for a moment, in acknowledgement of her subtle greeting, and then put his attention back to the people he was speaking with. He seemed to be genuinely hyped up for the night and it was nice to see. The pull to him was growing stronger, not weaker, the more time they spent together. If she was being honest with herself, it alarmed her, but certainly not enough to pull back.

She approached Finn, who was chatting with a red haired man whose back had been turned to Rey. Once she was close enough to see him fully, the world unexpectedly screeched to a halt.

“This is Rey, one of the students in our self-defense seminar,” Finn began, but Rey didn’t hear anything else he said. She sucked in a breath, immediately jarred and shaken.

The red-haired man extended his hand to her, introducing himself as Hux.

“I know who you are. Are you really going to act as if you don’t know me?”

Hux’s face faltered for a moment, and then took on a cool, standoffish expression as he recovered.

“As yes, Rey was it? You do look familiar. Where from?” he asked, cordially. Too cordially.

She could feel the blood pounding in her ears, and knew she had to get away, and quickly. Her composure would soon be lost to the tornado of emotions spinning around inside her. Anger, fear, panic, disbelief, indignation. 

“I’m sure you’ll remember. You shouldn't have to think hard, Hux, Or is it  _ Dr.  _ Hux yet?” 

She spat out the honorific term and turned on her heel to flee to the bathroom while his hand still lingered in the air. 

“I guess we’ve met before, funny,” Hux said smoothly, and then continued on with the conversation as if nothing had happened, while Finn looked off toward the bathroom, confusion and concern marring his generally jovial expression.

He scrutinized Hux, who was preening while he talked about how he should be up to spar that night, as if the odd encounter hadn’t caused him even a millisecond of further thought. An unsettled feeling pooled in his gut, but just then Ben was at the mic that had been set up on one end of the space, announcing it was time to begin.

Finn glanced uneasily towards the bathroom, but was soon called to the front to announce the rules.

* * *

Rey hid, crouched on the floor of the bathroom, the door locked and keeping out the rest of the world. Her head was in her hands, and she tried to slow her breathing.

“How could he be here, of all places?” she muttered. She felt like she might throw up if she had to speak to him, so she waited until she had collected herself, counting and breathing, counting and breathing. She would try to slip out without anyone noticing.

She could hear the match starting as the noise filtered through the walls of the bathroom, and decided it was her best chance to leave while everyone was focused elsewhere. She cracked the door, and almost everyone’s back was to her as she walked the perimeter of the room.

Just as she was opening the front door, she heard him and her heart sank.

Ben knew he should have been focusing on the match, on things to do with his  _ business _ , the one he was working hard to make successful. But he had been peripherally aware of Rey’s presence since she had arrived, coyly brushing past him as if they were each other’s secret. When he asked Finn if he knew where she’d gone after they’d started the match, he’d given a quick, whispered explanation of the confusing situation. 

“Rey.”

She wheeled around, trying to paint a neutral expression on her face.

“Hey, Ben, I’m not feeling well, I’m so sorry I can’t stay. I hope it’s a great night.”

“Just wait, what…?” Before he could form the question, she was out the door. “...happened?”

She’d left him staring at the empty space she’d just occupied, desperate to follow her but unable to leave. He had no choice but to put it out of his mind until later. He had hours ahead of him before this night would be over, and obviously she wouldn’t be staying like he had hoped.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're coming to the part of the story where Rey is going have to more fully confront the things she's been pushing away. I think I've tagged everything appropriately, and I don't plan on dealing with anything except through dialogue and thoughts (like flashbacks). I think a really unexplored part of our conversations in real life and in fiction is not only do most women know the person that assaulted them, they are often in the same towns, social circles, workplaces (usually with no consequences). This alone impacts a person's ability to heal, but I don't see it talked about much.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda nervous about this chapter. (It's a day early because tomorrow is Father's Day, and I'll be cooking brunch, and cleaning all day. I hate cooking, I'd rather be writing). There is a LOT of ground to cover, and I hope I did justice to an emotion-laden conversation in which two people are going to have entirely different perspectives, and be struggling with their own perceptions.

Some time after 10 p.m., Ben knocked on Rey’s door not knowing what to expect. He knew it was late enough that he should have called or texted, but he hadn’t bothered. He wanted to see her, and didn’t want to be told not to come.

When she didn’t immediately answer, he knocked again a little louder, and called out through the door, hoping to convince her.

“Rey, it’s me, Ben. I just wanted to see how you were.”

The door opened after another minute, and Rey looked tired and not at all as if she was hoping for company. Her hair was in a sloppy bun, and she had changed into an oversized crocheted black sweater and leggings.

She stepped back without saying anything, but gestured for him to come in, as if resigned to some fate she didn’t want to face.

He took a cursory look around, wishing he had been invited into her apartment under different circumstances𑁋 not seeing it inside for the first time like this.

She robotically curled up on her couch, and picked up a mug with the tiny square of paper from a tea bag hanging from it, leaving him to close the door.

“You’ve got… four locks,” he stated, observing the deadbolt, the regular lock, a chain, and the kind bought at a hardware store and installed for extra security.

She didn’t respond.

Ben nervously sat down next to her on the couch. She didn’t seem to be present in the room, hugging her cup of tea and staring off into space.

He didn’t know how to start, so he reached over to lightly touch her thigh, and she flinched.

“I… I’m sorry.” He pulled his hand back and ran it through his hair instead.

“Can you tell me what happened tonight?”

“Nothing happened,” she replied, too quickly.

“Finn told me. You’ve got to give me something.”

She looked up sharply at that.

“Actually, no, I don’t.”

Ben tamped down his frustration.

“I… would like it if you would tell me what happened to upset you so much, because I don’t understand. I could come up with theories, but I have no idea if they are close to being right, and I don’t want to assume.”

“What are your theories?” she asked, still looking out into the room.

Ben blew out a breath. He really hadn’t gotten that far. He just knew something was wrong and he wanted to fix it.

“I don’t think you were sick. You aren’t even pretending that now. I think  _ something _ upset you. It was Hux, right? That’s what Finn said. It wasn’t me? I didn’t do anything to make you leave?”

Rey scoffed at such a silly conclusion, but then tears formed in her eyes, and she finally looked at him. His eyes always conveyed so much, and it did something strange to her heart. He looked distraught and sincere and she was afraid if she looked at him too long everything she had been trying to lock back up tight since she first walked into his business and into his life would spill out, and he’d see what a mess she was, and he’d exit stage right.

“No, it wasn’t you. Why would you think that?”

“Maybe he’s an ex-boyfriend and you didn’t want him to see us together? You don’t want to be seen with me?”

“He is  _ not _ an ex-boyfriend. I could never…” Her voice trailed off.

“Any other things I think are worse.”

“Like what?”

“You can’t make me sit here and guess what upsets you, Rey. It’s not going to work. Why can’t you just tell me?”

“Because it’s stupid. And old news.  _ Years  _ old. And it shouldn't matter anymore.” Her voice was beginning to sound angry.

“But clearly it does matter.”

She tore her eyes away from him, settling on Chewie, sleeping peacefully in his little house. She idly thought that life might be boring as a pet, but wouldn’t it be easier? 

“Can I tell  _ you _ something?” he asked, trying a different tactic to get her to open up.

“Okay…” 

Ben had spent so much time being angry at the past, and he wondered if Rey and him weren’t two sides of the same coin. Not the same, exactly, but maybe not all that different.

“You know how you said the Skywalker name sounded familiar? It’s not just because of my uncle’s school, perhaps.”

“Okay,” she didn’t add that she might know where he was going with this. 

“There was a time it sounded familiar to everyone in the city, I’d bet.”

_ This is good _ , Rey realized. Let him talk, let her focus on something else. She tried to look at him like she was interested, and took a sip of her tea. 

“My grandfather was Anakin Skywalker. He killed my grandmother. He choked her, during an argument. My uncle and mother were babies at the time, but it was a huge scandal because she was a senator. He died sometime in prison, I’m pretty sure,” he said, pausing. He was floundering a bit, not sure what his point was or how it might help Rey open up, but he was at a loss as to what else to say when she was so clearly shut down.

“My mother’s way of handling it was to act as if he didn’t even exist. My whole family hid it from me, and they never really spoke about it. They believed in covering up the past, and then when I found out, I… well, it doesn’t matter, but it was an awful feeling. I think you are running from the past, Rey. And you are both wrong, you know.”

Rey bristled.

“Is that so?”

“Don’t cover it up, don’t run from it. Just… let the past die, Rey. Hell, kill it, if you have to. So you can be who you are meant to be, so it doesn’t rule you.”

She scoffed.

“It’s not that simple, Ben… I’m sorry to hear a man you never even met was violent or a disappointment or whatever, but at least you have a past to know about. And that is wholly different from what happened to me with Hux. That’s your family history, but this is the life that I am living. And I can’t help that things keep coming at me.”

“What I’m saying is, what happened tonight that you are pretending doesn’t matter? If you were truly over it, it would be fine. I would go away.”

“The past doesn’t just go away because you say it should, Ben. It doesn't work that way.”

“Fine. But you can’t run from it, either.”

She set her tea cup down, and they turned, facing each other, though Ben’s long legs had no chance of curling up under him comfortably on her tiny couch like hers did.

“I… I don’t want to run from it, and I certainly can’t kill, though I wish I could. So, I try to ignore it. And lately, that seems impossible to do. Five years. Five  _ years _ since I put something behind me and it keeps rearing its ugly head.”

They were silent for a few minutes, studying each other, breaking eye contact when it got too intense. Ben reached forward and cupped her cheek, and she closed her eyes and indulged in how safe it made her feel.  _ You are so weak, Rey,  _ she thought.

She realized there was no making Ben back down from his mission, and he was chipping away at her resolve to keep her walls up strong. She almost  _ wanted  _ to tell him what happened. Almost. She opened her eyes and set her jaw.

“I knew him in college. It didn’t end well.”

“What didn’t end well if he’s not an ex? Finn said he acted like he didn’t know you.”

“Because… well, I have no idea why he didn’t recognize me, but I guess because it meant nothing. Maybe he honestly forgot. Maybe that’s the kind of person he is. What he did to me meant nothing  _ to him _ , that is,” she clarified. “We weren’t anything to each other, he was just a TA in one of my classes.”

She looked down at her hands in her lap, and fidgeted with the sleeves of her sweater, rolling the cuff up and unrolling it over and over.

“I thought he wanted to be more, possibly, but I wasn’t really interested, and I spent years trying to convince myself that I somehow gave him the wrong impression. But I realize now he didn’t want to be anything romantic anyhow, that wasn’t even his goal. He was always going to do what he did. Maybe your class made me realize it.”

Rey pulled her knees up to her chest, laying her head on her knees and hiding her face from him.

“What... exactly... does that mean, Rey? I’ve known Hux through the school for years now.” Ben’s face was deadly serious. 

“Has anyone ever told you that you badger people?” She tried for levity, making fun of what he’d said to her at their second meeting.

“Rey, I  _ need _ to know.”

“You  _ don’t _ . You want to know. There is a difference. You’ve tracked me down to my home to drag it out of me for some reason I’ll never understand.”

Ben sighed.

“Rey, I know you don’t look at it like this, but I’m running a school. I teach people, mostly men, how to fight. I teach them the best way to incapacitate another person. And I teach a women’s self-defense course. And one of the women coming to that class runs out of the gym when she sees one of these guys that I teach. You don’t think just maybe if there is a story behind that, I should know? Even just as the guy that teaches people to fight?”

Rey looked up at him at that.

“I see,” she said coolly, leaning back against the pillow on the side of her couch, her knees still up.

“What do you see?” he asked, carefully, worried at her change in tone.

“You are correct. It never occurred to me that that was why you were here,” she said. “As a concerned business owner.”

“I’m not here as a concerned business owner,” Ben ground out, his own tone teetering on the edge of irritation and frustration. “I’m here because I care about you, Rey. I’m here because… I want you to let me in. I feel like I’m always chasing after you.”

“Yes, you were definitely chasing after me when I threw myself at you after hours.”

“I think you know that  _ that _ isn’t what I’m referring to.”

Rey felt cursed tears welling up again, and one streaked down her cheek without permission. She was too exhausted to fight what he was offering anymore. His hand had been partially extended towards her, resting on the back of the couch, since he said he felt he was always chasing her, and she looked down at it, her heart shattering. She took his hand in hers, and hoisted herself over and into his lap, taking him completely by surprise. She buried her head in his soft, dark hair and breathed him in.

“I’m sorry, Ben. I really am,” she said, fat tears rolling silently. “I’m sorry that I’m not more of what you are looking for, more of what you deserve.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Rey? Because you’ve lost me.”

He wrapped his arms around her tightly, while she fruitlessly attempted not to use him as a literal shoulder to cry on.

“Just...it’s okay, Rey. I’ll leave it alone. Okay? It’s okay. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” He kept repeating ‘it’s okay’ into her ear because he realized while trying to force whatever had upset her out of her that he couldn’t stand to be the one that made her cry, and now it felt like he was.

She interlocked her fingers around his neck and pulled back, staring straight into his eyes, then shaking her head.

“No. It’s not okay. It’s really not. Look at me. Look at how I’m acting.”

She took a deep breath and blew it out.

“I’m making such a big deal out of something I thought I’d dealt with a long time ago. And your stupid class made me confont it. And I  _ thought _ I was confronting it. You were making me, and you didn’t even know, and then that asshole had to show up in person,” she laughed, a short bitter laugh. “The universe likes to mess with me, I swear. ‘Let’s see what poor little Rey does once she finally makes something of herself when the jerk that raped her walks up and tries to shake her hand like they’ve never met.’”

Ben’s hands, which had fallen to her hips while she spoke, tensed around her.

“So, that’s it then.  _ That’s _ really how you know Hux?” he said tersely, fire in his eyes.

“Oh, sorry, I thought you would have figured that out by now. I just though you wanted to make me say it.”

His eyes flashed up to her.

“I… I didn’t want to think… I didn’t want to assume. I guess I was still hoping I was wrong,” he concluded. “I.. he’s been training with us for years. Since the beginning.”

Ben was shaking his head as if trying to process it.

Rey climbed off of him, suddenly needing space and sitting back on her side of the couch.

“Look, I get that he’s a friend, okay.”

“Of course you would think  _ that’s  _ why I’m upset. He’s not a  _ friend,  _ Rey. He’s a client. I just have to decide what to do about it after I talk to Finn,” said, shooting up to begin pacing around the small room.

“ _ After you talk to Finn, _ ” Rey screeched. “I’m not asking you to  _ do _ anything about it, Ben! You can’t be serious. And don’t you think you should ask me before you just assume you can talk to Finn about this?”

She put her head in her hands and tried to slow her breathing enough to calm down.  _ This is why you shouldn’t have said anything,  _ she thought.

He ignored most of what she said but stopped pacing and stood facing her.

“Finn doesn’t know?”

“He sort of knows. He knows the reason I disappeared is because a TA was pressuring me for a relationship and crossed a few lines, I think that’s what I said. I certainly didn’t use the word rape. Or even assault. He might suspect, I don’t know...”

_ Finn has infinitely more patience than I do,  _ Ben thought darkly.

“I assumed he already knew so that it would be okay for me to talk to him𑁋,”

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

Ben pressed on.

“ _ And _ we have to decide what to do about Armie’s𑁋Hux’s𑁋 gym membership.”

“You can’t refuse people based on the fact they might be dicks to women, Ben,” Rey said, her tone conveying that she thought it was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard him say.

“Might?” Ben said, giving her a pointed look. 

Rey scrunched up her face.

“Okay, well in this case, it isn’t ‘might’. I just think that’s how  _ others _ would see it.”

“I don’t care what others think. How would they even know?”

“Because he’ll tell them! He’ll tell people you started refusing his business because of false allegations made by your girlfriend𑁋,”

“𑁋 Girlfriend?” He stopped pacing and turned to look at her squarely.

Rey cast him a disparaging glance.

“Your  _ whatever.  _ That’s a conversation for another time.” Still, she smiled weakly at him before continuing. “He’ll tell people these things, and I will be the one made out to be a liar. I don’t doubt for a second that he really might have forgotten me. The way he acted makes me think he’s done this often enough that it actually took him a minute to place me.”

“You don’t know that that will happen.”

“I know  _ him _ .”

“I’ve known him for years!”

Rey’s ire grew with each passing volley.

“I know him in a way you  _ don’t and never will. _ ”

Rey threw her head back on the couch and rubbed her forehead, too weary to keep it up.

“You men think because you are friends with a man you know what he’s actually like. What he’s actually capable of behind closed doors.”

Ben kneeled before her, afraid the conversation had gotten out of hand. He reached forward and grabbed her hands.

“Hey, look at me.”

She did so but feigned annoyance.

“We’re on the same side, okay. I’ll listen to you. Maybe this is a conversation for me to have with Finn with you present. I won’t do anything without including you.”

“You think?” Rey scoffed at the nerve the man had to swoop in like the hero after being in her life for .5 seconds.

“The important thing for you to know is that I believe you, and you’re safe. Okay?”

Rey’s expression softened.

“It’s not even about feeling safe, exactly, not physically safe like you might mean, but I appreciate that. I’m glad you believe me, though you’d be a dick if you didn’t.”

Ben reached up and cupped her face again, and she never could help leaning into his touch.

“I don’t know what to do until we figure this out though. I can tell you I’m not okay with training him now. I’m not okay with teaching men who are using it to overpower people when they aren’t either defending themselves or fighting for sport.”

Rey shook her head even as it rested on his palm. She gave him a sad smile, because his heart, once you saw it, was so pure.

“That’s not something you can ever know for sure, Ben. There will always be some macho jerk in your classes that gets off on overpowering people, possibly women, and they probably didn’t need to learn Jiu Jitsu to be able to get away with it. Possibly more than one person already at your school is capable of this. You just happen to have confirmation this time. And the scary part for women is that you never suspected  _ him _ in particular. You have no way of knowing what any of your students are really like.”

Ben settled back on his heels, the weight of her words hitting him.

“I never really liked him.”

“Yeah, well, that makes two of us.” She tugged on his hands that were still holding hers, his long arms stretched now that he was on the floor. “Come and sit with me before it gets any later.”

Ben was happy to oblige, and unfurled from the floor to sit next to her on the couch. She snuggled into him closer than she ever had before, and tried to ignore how conflicted it made her feel after such an emotionally trying night. She warred with the impulse to ask him to stay the night.

He stroked her shoulder lightly, and saved her the trouble.

“It’s late, Rey.”

She hummed her agreement.

“I guess that means I should go.”

“Yeah, probably.” She wanted him there, but she was afraid of  _ needing _ him there. She hugged him tightly, this time not making a sound for a few minutes while they both sat quietly with their thoughts.

“Unless it’s okay if I just crash here.”

He didn’t think she would ask him to stay and while he was tired of pulling things out of her, he was also just... Tired. Physically.

“I think… you should probably go. This night was… not what I thought it would be, and I need to just rest.”

Ben didn’t want to admit how much that hurt.

“Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked, hopefully.

“Yeah, sure.”

And with that, he left, with a lingering kiss on her forehead, and the slightest squeeze of her hand.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Double update week apparently! We just have to get through all the sad stuff :)

Ben waited anxiously the next day for the self-defense class’s time to come, his stomach flipping every time he thought of Rey. His nervousness turned into something closer to dread when he started class and she hadn’t arrived, and by the end of the class he was staving off panic, carefully controlled under his exterior of course, when he realized she most definitely wasn’t coming by at all.

He hastily sent out a text as people began to file out of the gym for the night.

_ Hey, we missed you at class. I’m still here if you want to come by. Are you okay? _

When everyone had gone except Finn, he decided maybe it wouldn’t hurt to see if she had checked in with him instead.

“Hey, can you stay and help me clean up tonight? I wanted to talk for a minute,” he called across the mats.

“Sure, let me text Poe that I'll be a bit late, then,” he answered, pulling his phone out of his duffel bag.

_ Not done just yet, helping Ben out for a bit,  _ he tapped out while Ben pulled what he needed out of the supply closet and got to work.

“Have you heard from Rey?”

“No,” Finn said thoughtfully, putting punching pads and equipment in their places. “Have you?”

“I saw her last night after the open house. We talked about it for a bit, but I thought she was coming tonight. She seemed like she was.”

“Maybe she just got busy…? Did she tell you what happened?”

“Yeah, she did.”

Finn waited expectantly.

“She doesn’t want us to talk about it,” Ben said. He didn’t know how else to address it except bluntly.

“What does that mean?” Finn asked incredulously. “What made her upset about Hux?”

Ben sighed.

“I wanted to talk about it with you and she said not to. Or maybe not yet.”

“That’s bullshit, Ben.”

“Is it?”

“Fine. I’ll call her now and ask her what’s so terrible that you can’t even tell me,” Finn said, striding back over to his bag to get his phone.

“Just wait a second, man,” Ben said, getting frustrated. “I don’t think she wants to talk about it with you either. I think if she did she’d be here. Maybe she needs some space.”

“Then tell my what the fuck is going on, because you seem a lot more worried about this than you ever do about anything else.” Finn found it hard not to get alarmed, because Ben hardly ever wanted to talk about anything.

“Finn, just…” Ben quit his sweeping and heaved himself down on the mats, resting his long arms on his knees, resigned. “What did she tell you about why she dropped out of the program she was in in college? Remember? We talked about it a few weeks ago when I first met her, and you seemed a bit vague about it?”

Pieces started to slowly clink into place for Finn, and he sat down as well, a few feet away from Ben.

“I don’t know. She was vague about it herself, but there was someone in her program she was scared of. She didn’t like the way he acted one time, and he threatened her grades or something if she complained about him.”

“He threatened her grades?” Ben asked, sharply. That part was actually new information. “What did she tell you about how he acted?”

“Just that it was inappropriate, but I always thought dropping out of an entire program was.. an extreme response.” 

Ben wasn’t sure how much to add to that. Inappropriate didn’t begin to cover it.

“Hux was her TA. He was the person she was afraid of.”

“Hux?  _ Our  _ Hux?”

“He’s not going to be a member here for much longer Finn, and that’s what I told her I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okay…” Finn said, chewing on everything. “But we can’t kick him out over what? Being a creep? I guess the grades thing is fucked up, but what do we say? He would say one has nothing to do with the other.”

“It’s not even about that, Finn.”

Finn huffed in frustration.

“Then what is it about  _ exactly _ ? You know, you are just like her, speaking in riddles all the time.”

“It’s not a riddle, it’s just not my place to say.”

“I’m not just anybody, Ben. And you want to kick a long-time member out of the gym, and you don’t want me to go ask her, so fess up.”

The conversation was tense, and was suddenly interrupted by Poe bounding through the door, startling them both.

“Hey, babe. Thought I’d stop by and see if you needed help. I’m ready to get my Saturday night started.”

Ben didn't try to mask his irritated expression, jumping up with a huff and resuming his sweeping.

“It’s… I just need another minute to talk about something here,” Finn said, getting up as well and looking at Poe.

“What’s wrong?”

“We’ll talk about it later,” Ben snapped. 

Poe narrowed his eyes. 

“I can go wait outside,” he huffed and crossed his arms, but he didn’t sound as if he had any intention of doing so.

“No, babe just... fine, Ben, we’ll finish this later. But either you tell me what she was upset about or I’ll ask her myself. And I don’t think she needs that much space from  _ me _ .”

“Is this about Rey? Why is everybody always so worried about that girl? She just seems like drama at this point,” Poe interjected.

Ben’s frustration and distress, combined with Finn’s lack of understanding and Poe’s irritating presence finally overwhelmed his usual controlled demeanor. But he looked at Finn first, deciding to ignore Poe altogether for the moment.

“He assaulted her. And she doesn’t need space from  _ me.  _ Rey and I are… together now. I just hadn’t mentioned it. So stop acting like I’m just some guy she knows and you’ll be able to talk to her and magically fix it all,” he said tersely, and his whispered tone was worse than yelling.

“He assaulted her, how?”

But now Ben was looking at Poe.

“You can leave. I have no need for your presence here. Go wait outside since you offered.” Poe scoffed, and glared, but didn’t leave, the two men staring each other down.

“He assaulted her, how _? _ ” Finn yelled over the both of them.

“What else do you want me to say? He sexually assaulted her, and it was more than inappropriate no matter what she told you. And she was, and is, so terrified of him that she dropped out to get away from him, and now he’s here and she’s here, and we need to deal with it.”

Finn started pacing.

“Are you serious right now? And you thought you shouldn’t tell me that? What the fuck, Ben?” 

When Ben didn’t answer, Finn continued ranting

“Seriously, what the fuck? What were her exact words? That’s  _ not _ what she told me. She barely… that’s not…”

“She said he raped her. Those were exact words. Okay, Finn? Now you know everything,” he said, irritation permeating his voice.

Ben wished he hadn’t said anything at all, but he had been hoping that Finn had spoken to her already. And it hurt to realize that he had no one else in the entire world that he could speak to about something with this much gravity. Even if he wanted to talk about this with someone that didn’t know Rey, someone neutral, he realized he didn’t  _ have _ anyone else.

The room was quiet for a short moment aside from Finn’s pacing and Ben keeping his hands busy with his work again.

“So, what are we going to do?” Finn finally asked.

“I don’t think she wants us to do anything, but we can’t have him here.”

“No. We can’t.”

Ben floundered. “I guess I’ll tell him he’s not welcome the next time he shows up.”

“What if he makes a scene?”

“Let him. I don’t know. Just don’t tell Rey that I told you.”

Less than a minute later, Ben’s heart sank lower than he thought was possible after the last 24 hours. The foreboding feeling in his chest from earlier replaced the frustration at his conversation with Finn swiftly when he heard a higher pitched, differently accented voice cut through it.

“He doesn’t have to tell me. And I’m so glad the three of you were able to discuss the matter at hand and come up with a solution to  _ your _ problem. Now that that’s taken care of, I think I’ll be on my way.”

All three heads snapped towards the front entrance, where Rey had quietly listened after figuring out what they’d been yelling about before she’d even fully entered. She stood there, frozen, with the door halfway open and not one of them had noticed, preoccupied as they had been.

“Rey, wait, I𑁋,” Ben dropped the rags meant for wiping the mats down with and made a bee line for her.

But when he approached, she held up her hands, to him, and to Finn who was right behind him.

“I think I’ll go take some more  _ space _ . You all have it all sorted. Goodnight.”

She turned on her heel and left. She didn’t flee this time, and she didn’t run away scared. She stalked away angry. The anger was a relief from the avalanche of anxiety Hux’s presence had brought about, in a strange way.

She was angry at all of the things she couldn’t control, and she was indignant that the two men that meant the most to her couldn’t hold their tempers and emotions in for longer than 24 hours while she sorted through her feelings.

Her hand on the door handle, she turned and seemed to address Ben alone.

“I’ll let you know when I want to talk to you again. You don’t need to ask if I’m okay. Know that I’m fine, and I will be fine.”

And she was gone.

* * *

“I say we make an example out of him,” Finn said, pacing around Ben’s office Sunday for their usual business lunch.

“That’s not going to go the way you think, Finn,” Ben had sighed wearily. He hadn’t slept much at all after the disastrous night before.

“I’ve been around when shit like this has come out, rarely does a room full of people just take the accusation as truth and side against the accused. It’ll just make a spectacle.” 

Finn scoffed. 

“She’s got no reason to lie, and I don’t see why our group of guys have any reason not to believe us,” Finn retorted.

Ben thought back to his fighting days, and all the scandals that had to do with violence against women of various types that seemed to bounce right off the best fighters.  _ People won’t care _ , he thought cynically. Fans didn’t care, agents didn’t care, opponents didn’t care. He remembered all the things that were written and said about their accusers, and felt a bit sick to his stomach knowing that Rey was worried about the same things, even if the setting was so much smaller.

“You’re naive, Finn.”

“So, what? We just send him an email?”

Ben considered. He wanted nothing more than to confront Hux and have some sense of actual justice, but he knew that simply wasn’t how it worked out most of the time.

“When he comes in this week, we can confront him, together. We will pull him aside.”

“And what if he makes a scene?” Finn repeated his worry that he’d voiced the night before.

Ben shrugged.

“Let him make a scene. What I’m worried about is, we send him an email or call, and then he comes down and makes that scene when we aren’t expecting it, and one of us has to deal with it on the fly. I’d rather have him in here on our terms, when we expect him. So you’ll need to be here every night this week,” Ben reasoned.

“Yeah, I can do that. That’s no problem.”

The office was silent for a minute, both men deliberating and finishing their meal.

“Do you think he knows how to contact Rey? Do you think he knew she was here?” Finn asked.

“I doubt it. I think his ego is far too large to see anything other than himself. It was probably just a terrible coincidence.”

“Yeah, I hope so.”

“I’m just glad we don’t do contracts. There is no contract to break, so we can even refund him this month, but now I think we need to add something in the paperwork about terminating relationships if we deem a person’s actions not in line with the philosophy of the school or something.”

Finn made a face.

“Okay. I guess that works. It wouldn’t be the first time someone has been kicked out of a martial arts school for, essentially, being a bully. Sort of, at least. Even if you and I know it’s worse than that.”

Ben sighed again.

“No, although we run ours more like a gym. And usually it’s because of behavior  _ at _ the gym or during a martial arts class that people get kicked out for,” Ben mused. “Still, that’s the easiest way to tackle it if any other students ask without betraying Rey’s wishes. What a mess.” 

Ben set his elbows on his desk and rubbed his eyes. He hated every part of the entire conversation. He hated that they even had to figure out the right way to handle something of this nature.

“What do you think Rey would want us to do?”

“I don’t think she’s in a place to decide rationally. Let’s just kick him out quietly and hope for the best,” he said, muttering almost to himself, “As if there is a best in this situation.”

“So what’s going on with you two, and why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know if there is anything going on with us anymore, after last night,” Ben said glumly. “It was only a week old, Finn. It didn’t make sense to mention anything before we knew what it was ourselves.”

Finn made air quotes and rolled his eyes.

“Before you knew what it was,” he mocked. “Please.”

Ben frowned, so Finn continued.

“It’s obvious how you feel about one another. Do you not know what it feels like to fall for somebody, Ben? Seriously?”

Ben weighed his answer.

“I’ve never maintained much by way of long-term relationships. But I would want one with her, that’s all I know. It’s like I’m not even rational around her, and now this has gone and fucked it all up.”

Finn scoffed.

“So you  _ do _ know what it feels like then. To fall for somebody. Because no, falling for someone isn’t rational, and it never makes sense, and you two have been pining for each other since you met.”

Ben just stared out the frosted window, not making eye contact.

“I don’t think it matters anymore, Finn. I don’t think she’s coming back.”

“To the class, maybe? But that doesn’t mean she isn’t coming back to you.”

“I think it does.” Inside, his heart was breaking and he hoped Finn couldn’t see, but he believed what he said. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been a hopeful person. He hadn’t dared think something as good as Rey might walk through his door, and it was no shock to him that she was out of his grasp before he could hold on to her. Such was life. Such was  _ his  _ life.

“You know, Ben, last night you told me to let it go and give her space and I probably should have listened. Just give her some time. Don’t be such a pessimist.”

He just gave a slight, sad smile, and began clearing away their trash, changing the subject to other matters.

* * *

  
  


A few days later, Hux came in to train as expected.

Ben found Finn across the room, and jerked his head towards the door to the office after he told Hux that they needed to speak with him.

The three men entered the small office and Ben and Finn stood, with their arms crossed, not inviting Hux to sit down. Hux’s expression was a mix of cockiness and boredom.

“As you know, we take the ethics and honor associated with martial arts seriously here, and it has come to our attention that you have not always exercised self-discipline and respect towards others in the way it must be exercised for us to feel comfortable with you remaining a member of our gym,” Ben stated as if rehearsed. Underneath his hardened exterior he wasn’t sure that he had ever felt the type of rage he felt in that moment, and he had spent a significant portion of his life being angry.

“Pardon me,” Hux sputtered, looking between the other two men. “You don’t want me to be a member of the gym anymore?”

“We will refund you this month’s membership in full, but this is effective immediately. We’d like you to leave and you are not welcome at any of our future sparring nights, either,” added Finn.

“You can’t do that. Anyone can come on those nights. People come from all over the city,” Hux spit. It hadn’t taken but a second for his face to turn an alarming shade of red.

“Anyone that has not been banned from our facility, and that no longer includes you.” Finn set his jaw and tightened the arms crossed against his chest, standing stock still.

“Tell me what this is really about,” Hux demanded, his fists balling up.

“I think you know, Armie, and I think you know the decision is final,” Ben said, taking the slightest step closer to him.

“This can’t seriously be about a  _ girl  _ that I don’t even know anymore.”

“So you do remember, then. And you know why I won’t be responsible for training someone with a moral code like yours.” 

Ben's expression was fierce, and he was getting angrier by the second. He wasn’t honestly sure how much longer he could stand to be in this small room, having this conversation.

“What did she tell you? I can’t do anything about every woman who regrets things the next day. Why was she even here? Do you  _ really _ believe everything she tells you?” Hux was angry, calculating how much he might be able to influence the conversation, attempting to sound detached, and failing.

“Look, Armie, Rey is welcome here any𑁋,” Finn began.

“Hux is leaving Finn. We don’t need to discuss it,” Ben silenced Finn with a look that, leveled upon him in any other circumstance, might make him wary of the future of their friendship. It was clear that  _ it _ meant  _ Rey. _

Hux stood as tall as he could, stepping closer to Ben and attempting to stare him down.

“Are you really going to take some𑁋 _ her _ side over mine? You haven’t even asked me my side of the story!”

“Hux, I’m telling you to leave. I’m telling you to leave. Right now.” Ben’s voice was low, and barely controlled as he spoke each word slowly, clearly.

His hands formed into well-practiced fists, and something in the scene playing out before him made Finn press a gentle hand to Ben’s chest, not enough to restrain him, which would be laughable, but enough to make him think through his next actions.

“‘Bye Hux,” Finn said firmly, tearing his eyes away from Ben’s murderous face, and turning slightly to Hux. “We said effective immediately.”

Hux looked for a second as if he might say one last thing, but instead he took a long look between the both of them and stormed out of the gym.

Ben collapsed into the chair closest to him and put his head in his hands.

“You could have let me hit him, Finn. It would have been fine,” he muttered, attempting a joke because he was barely holding it together. “He would have deserved it. It wouldn't take me long to make him tap out.”

“And then he’d sue you, for deeds done on your own property, with the liability you hold as an instructor and business owner.”

“So,” Ben responded petulantly.

“And Rey might possibly be even angrier at us. At you.”

Ben blew out his breath.

“Okay. I’ll go with that one. Can you do class?”

“Already planning on it, but only if you head to the punching bag.”

“Yeah. Fine,” Ben assented.

“Hey, at least it’s done.”

“It’s not right that that is all there is, though is it? Does it ever get done, for her?” Ben didn’t feel vindicated, or resolved. He felt as if the bare minimum meant nothing, yet knew of nothing else he could do to make any of it better.

Finn just leveled a sad stare at him, and kicked his foot gently.

“Come on.”

The two men headed out to the main gym, and no one seemed to even be wondering what had been going on in the office as they milled about before class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought long and hard about how this could be handled, and honestly, I think the most realistic thing is that Hux is, at the end of the day, going to be a coward, like most men like him are in real life. There's a reason they take advantage of people in this way, behind closed doors, knowing how much it takes to get anyone to do a thing about it, knowing most people won't ever know. I don't see him as a character, in this situation, that is out to get Rey or make things worse. She was expendable and he's not revisiting that, and he's not going to fight two men when at heart he's a coward. Also, Ben's reflections on the MMA world is realistic. Just today there was an article about Joe Rogan being a dick about what boils down to sexual assault, AGAIN. Connor McGregor, generally accepted as the highest paid MMA fighter, has two sexual assault accusations against him, and just like in other sports, domestic violence is not uncommon. Google will find more depressing crap - like two men that assaulted their FELLOW FEMALE STUDENT at the same BJJ academy. I think the ideals of martial arts attract a great many wonderful people, but I think it attracts the bullies and abusers too, just like anything else.


	12. Chapter 12

Days passed and Ben didn’t hear from Rey. Every night as he closed up the gym he’d scroll to her name in his texting app to tap in a message he’d erase without sending. And every night he’d try to sleep, he’d find himself tossing and turning and awake, and wondering if he’d hear from her the next day. She’d made it clear that she would let him know when she wanted to talk.

Saturday morning he sat at the island in his kitchen, finally working up the nerve to contact her first since it had been a week. Just to let her know about Hux, he reasoned. He decided that was something she should know, and he wouldn’t expect anything else.

_ You don’t have to worry about seeing Hux at the gym again. Finn and I took care of it. I just wanted you to know. In case you plan on coming to class tonight, or just whenever. _

There. He shoved his phone away from him, to the far end of the glossy counter top. He’d never felt so… tied… to it before. Waiting all week for a message that wasn’t coming, checking it in between everything he did during the day to make sure he hadn’t missed something from her. He would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit he hated it, and that life was so much easier when you didn’t care so much about other people. About another  _ person. _

He didn’t expect to hear a ping just a moment later, and he hastily reached his long arms back over to where he’d slid his phone to check it.

_ Can I come over? _

_ As if she had to ask,  _ he thought bitterly.

_ Yes. I’m home. Not downstairs. _

He busied himself cleaning up from his breakfast, and  _ finally _ a soft knock on his door alerted him to her presence.

She was in leggings meant for exercise and running shoes, her hair thrown back again, just like it was when he’d seen her in her apartment just over a week ago.

She brushed past him and headed straight for his couch, looking up at him seriously with her elbows resting on her thighs, and one knee jumping up and down.

“I didn’t ask you to fall on your sword for me, Ben.”

Ben scrutinized her for a few seconds from where he stood by the door, not saying anything until he was sitting next to her on the couch.

“It’s not falling on my sword, it’s just doing the right thing,” he said quietly. They were inches apart, and he could feel the heat from her next to him, but he didn’t touch her.

“You didn’t need to do anything at all.”

Ben sighed.

“Did you… did you…” Rey imagined all of the worst scenarios. “What did you mean you two took care of it?”

Ben supposed it was a reasonable question, considering.

“I already told you I’m not going to train someone like that. All we did was tell him he’s no longer welcome at the gym.”

“Oh, okay. That’s it then? Okay.”

Ben carefully considered his next words.

“Did you want me to do more than that? I think you know that I would,” he said slowly, deliberately.

“No! Stars, Ben, no. No.” she answered. “Maybe some part of me wants him to hurt, and feel powerless, but did you ever think it makes me feel worse knowing that you two are making such a big deal out of this? I want it to go away. I don’t want to think about it again. It’s not a big deal, and you are making it a big deal.”

“Why isn’t it a big deal? It’s a big deal  _ to you _ . What he did isn’t a small thing, Rey. Look at how it’s affected you!” His voice raised slightly. “And before you take that the wrong way, it’s  _ normal _ that it affected you this much, it’s  _ normal _ that you wouldn’t want to see him, and it  _ should _ be normal for the people around you to try to keep it so you don’t have to see someone like him again.”

She scoffed.

“Before I take it the wrong way. You really think you get to determine how  _ I  _ cope with  _ my  _ life, don’t you?”

“No, that’s not what I𑁋.”

Ben stopped. He didn’t know what the line was between trying to show her the things she couldn’t see through her pain and not acting like he could completely understand.

He drew in breath, and tentatively, so very slowly, grabbed her hand.

“I’m sorry that I say things the wrong way. I’m sorry that it feels like we are meddling to you. I care about you, Rey, and I don’t think it’s easy for you to see this from the outside, and that’s not your fault. And I wish that you knew that you are worth every big deal anyone could make about someone violating you and just moving on like it didn’t matter.”

Rey felt tears pricking at her eyes, and she couldn’t stand it. She jumped up and mumbled something about needing to use the bathroom, leaving Ben staring after her, stock still..

When she came back, her face was bright, like she’d washed it, and her hair was down.

She stood between his legs and pulled his chin up so that she could look into his eyes.

“I missed you this week,” she said, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. She pushed forward, straddling him on the couch, and kissing him deeply, her tongue sliding into his mouth without preamble. He hadn’t expected that, and didn’t know how to respond, but he couldn’t deny how reassuring it felt to kiss her back. It felt so good for her to just  _ be _ with him again. As she settled her weight on his thighs and continued to explore his mouth, it became clear she had no intention of stopping. She broke the kiss long enough to pull her shirt off, leaving Ben bewildered and uncertain.

“Hey, Rey, wait, we don’t have to.”

She kissed down the column of his throat, and brought his large hand up to her breast through her thin bra, cupping herself through him.

“Obviously we don’t  _ have _ to,” she dismissed.

The blood rushed to Ben’s cock as she encouraged him to knead at her, and began grinding her hips the way she seemed to like to every time. He felt like he was drowning in her and he’d been desperate for all week, but something tugged at his mind when she moved to unbutton his jeans.

He grabbed her hands, stilling her, and pulling as far away from her as he could.

“I don’t think we should do this just yet,” he said carefully. “We’ve barely even talked about what happened.”

She stood up, hurt. 

“We have much more than barely talked. I’ve told you everything there is to know. What else is there?” she said, eyes flashing. 

“We’ve barely talked this week, then,” he clarified. “I don’t want you to think that we… that this is all I’m interested in.”

“Have I given you reason to think I think that? Why do you  _ really _ not want me right now?” Her eyes narrowed as hurt gave into irritation, or even suspicion, either of which were easier emotions to feel.

“What? I don’t even know what you mean by that.”

“I said I wanted space. I took it. You handled it for me, as you say, and now I’m here. What else do you want from me?” She was near screeching, her voice getting higher and higher.

Ben just stared at her, open mouthed. He had  _ absolutely  _ no idea what to say.

Rey grabbed her shirt from the couch and hastily put it back on. 

“I’ll see you later. Why don’t you figure out what  _ you _ want, Ben. Because I am perfectly ready to put this all past us.” 

After she stormed out his front door, Ben sat unmoving, in shock, and he wasn’t sure for how long. He had been anxious to see her, but never could have imagined it could have gone  _ that _ poorly. Later that day, when he went to make his lunch, he cleaned up the pieces of the coffee mug he’d thrown against the wall. He hardly remembered doing it until he saw the broken shards of ceramic littering the kitchen floor.

When he was done, he tapped out a text to Rey.

_ You asked me what I want from you. I thought it was obvious, but I want everything with you, Rey. Not from you. Just with you. _

There was so much more he could say, about how she hadn’t been ready that morning, about how she was forcing things to try to get past the painful part faster, and he didn’t want to make anything worse. But he didn’t think she wanted to hear any of that,  _ and _ he was afraid maybe he’d been wrong. Maybe he should have just let her take charge, and not questioned her to know what she wanted. He ran his hand down his face, leaning against the counter and staring at the floor while trying to figure out which one was true.

He knew in his gut that it hadn’t felt right𑁋 that  _ she _ hadn’t seemed herself, and in that case, maybe he’d done the right thing. Or tried to. 

He settled on saying just one last thing, and then he’d leave her be. Again.

_ I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry. _

* * *

Rey went back to what she did best. She powered through, went through the motions at her job, and snuggled with Chewie on her couch to decompress in the evenings. She compartmentalized and focused on the things she was good at. She’d been here before, she reasoned, and she’d be fine. She’d always been able to rely on her own resilience, even if she didn’t always know how to let people in. The shock of seeing Hux again, with all the vulnerability it brought to the surface, began to be less painful, and her anger at Ben had melted away into sadness and regret. 

It had been nearly two weeks since she’d left Ben at his apartment, and she hadn’t heard from him since that last text. She couldn’t blame him for that, she knew, because she hadn’t replied to him. She hadn’t gone to his class. She hadn’t stopped by his gym. 

She didn’t begin to know how to explain her feelings, much less her actions, to him, so she just did nothing. Nothing at all. It was easier than facing how ashamed she felt for how poorly she seemed to handle everything in her personal life.

She was at work on a Thursday afternoon, and had been asked to her editor’s office to discuss an article.

Amilyn studied her from across her desk with an unusually serious expression, meeting Rey’s eyes pensively. She was the kind of boss that seemed like she was always smiling and somehow gave feedback and edits in an almost motherly way. It was an odd but welcome demeanor for a woman who held a job where one had to be tough on principle, and to all sorts of people, but Amilyn made it work.

“I want you to think about this carefully, how you go about this one. It doesn’t have to be too general, if you don’t want, and I expect any facts and figures you tie to this story to include the greater area, if you can,” Amilyn told her. “I’ll need to see the finished draft to know for sure if I want to publish, but I want you to go for it."

“Thanks,” Rey nodded, not exactly apprehensive at the assignment, but it had been a big ask. “Deadline?”

“It’s an evergreen, unfortunately. Just get all your other deadlines in as usual and bring it to me when it’s ready.”

Rey began nodding, almost to herself, and stood up from the chair in Amilyn’s office.

“Thanks.”

“Oh, and Rey?” Rey turned, her hand on the door.

“I𑁋,” Amilyn stopped, and just smiled her warm smile. “Nothing. Let me see what you’ve got when you have it.”

“Sure thing,” she said, trying to sound chipper at the daunting assignment ahead. 

Her head was down as she walked down the hall, pulling her phone out of her back pocket to check what had made it vibrate while she was speaking to Amilyn.

The buzz turned out to be a text message from Finn. She’d gotten a few from him over the past two weeks. General messages that he was there for her, or missed her, but nothing effusive.

This one was different.

_ I know things are weird right now, but I think Ben could use a friend, Rey. Something about his mom. He doesn’t talk to me, not really. Maybe he’d tell you. _

She stared at the message, reading it over and over again, not realizing she’d stopped right in the middle of the hallway. She was puzzled. Her heart ached for him in more ways than one. Knowing him, even briefly, as she had, it wasn’t hard to believe Finn when he said Ben wasn’t talking to him about whatever it was. 

“Rey? You okay there?”

Rey looked up from her phone, realizing she was probably in the way.

“Oh hey, Jannah. Sorry. Just reading my messages.”

“Everything okay?”

“Oh, uh yeah. I’m gonna head out early actually though, so I’ll see you later.”

“Tomorrow night you mean? We’re still going out?”

Jannah peered at her curiously. Rey’s head had been somewhere else near constantly the past weeks, she thought to herself.

“Yes! Yeah, yeah definitely. Sorry, just distracted. I’ll see you tomorrow, though.”

“Okay, then. ‘Bye.”

Her work was done well enough for the day, so she continued to her desk to grab her keys and left, headed to Ben, hardly pausing to think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a day early because it was just tooooooooo long, and I wanted to give this quick update and edit the rest tomorrow. So here it is!


	13. Chapter 13

When Rey got to the building, she found that Ben wasn’t downstairs in the gym, having Finn cover for the day shift when he was usually working with his physical therapy patients. She ran upstairs, taking the back stairway Ben had shown her the first time they were together.

When he opened the door, he looked more drawn than she’d ever seen. His face looked thinner somehow, his eyes hollow. He was surprised to see her, for sure, but even that didn’t seem to add any light to his dark expression. He wore an old t-shirt and sweatpants.

“I take it Finn told you to come. He’s overreacting. I just told him I need a few days off.”

There was so much to be said between them, and Rey was simultaneously embarrassed by the last time she’d seen him and wishing she just had the guts to address it and go back to the easy way it had been between them, albeit for a very short time period. She’d heard him when he said he wanted everything with her, she just didn’t trust that he really knew her well enough to really want it. Not really. 

But right now wasn’t about that, so she pushed it away.

“No, it’s not that Finn told me to come. Well, yes he did, but…” she trailed off. “Anyway, I’m here. Want to tell me why you need a few days off? You practically live at the gym.”

Instead of answering, Ben pulled Rey into a tight hug. He desperately needed someone in his corner, someone to just  _ be _ with him. He didn’t usually need that, or he hadn’t thought he did, but Rey had set fire to everything he thought he knew about what he needed to be happy anyhow.

Rey reveled in his embrace, stealing a moment to breathe him in, but then took a step back before she could do anything ill-advised, putting her hand in the air halfheartedly.

“Let’s just… keep it... friendly,” she winced, her heart breaking.

“Okay,” Ben said, sounding choked. “Yeah, okay.” He looked at the ground, kicking his foot at some imaginary spot. It’s not like he had been trying to do more than hug her.

“Let’s just sit. You can tell me what happened,” Rey said, walking into the room and towards the couch.

“My uncle came by to see me. He’s a dick. I kind of hate him. And I hate him more because sometimes he’s right.”

“Okay, what did he have to say?” she asked, deciding it better to understand what was happening now and maybe he’d give her more of the history later. He’d only ever given her pieces.

“He said my mom was in the hospital after a car accident, but she’s home now, and that she didn’t call me because she knew I wouldn’t come, that she knew when my father died and I left that she’d lost me completely. He may as well have said I’m a terrible son for abandoning her after my dad died. He said he knows I never go to his grave with her, which she does every year and on holidays, and he knows she invites me.”

“Is that true?”

“Yeah. I never go, and yeah, she lets me know.”

“Did you respond at all? Have you seen her at all?”

“I haven’t seen her since that hospital visit I told you about. I haven’t seen her since he died.”

“What was your relationship with her like before that?”

“Not good,” he said tersely.

“Okay. I know I don’t know what happened to make you so far apart from your parents, but what about now? Why don’t you want to see her now?”

“It’s not that I don’t  _ want _ to see her. Too much has happened. And too long ago. It’s in the past, and there’s no way to go back and change any of it.”

“Of course there is no way to go back,” Rey resisted rolling her eyes. “Why do you think that’s a prerequisite for fixing your relationship now?”

“Things that are broken can’t be put back together, Rey,” he said with finality, as if it should be obvious.

“Is that what you’d say to me? About all the ways that I am broken because of my past?”

“That’s different. You aren’t broken. Maybe just scarred.”

“And maybe your relationship is just scarred, Ben. Maybe you will regret not being there now. The only thing we can’t get back in this life is time, Ben. At least... anything we want we can try to get it, even if we can’t turn back time. And then we can know that we tried.

Rey held her breath, her heart squeezing in her chest as they gazed at each other with so much left unsaid. She begged him with her eyes to understand anything at all.

That nagging voice in her head told her she was talking about more than just Ben and his mom, but she wouldn’t listen to it. She couldn’t. Applying her feeble wisdom to anything else was just too painful, and so she got up.

She put her hand on his shoulder, squeezing in what was supposed to be a friendly and encouraging gesture before heading to the door. He looked far too emotionally exhausted for her to dare stay and fall apart as well. She wouldn't. She’d go.

“You’ll figure it out, Ben. I know you will.” She had every intention of walking toward the door, but Ben's hand clamped down over hers before she could move it.

“Please,” he whispered. “Don’t go. Not yet. I want to tell you the whole story. If you have the time.”

Rey wondered if he realized that she really  _ couldn’ _ t say no to him, and that she stayed away far more because of that and how he made her want things she didn’t think she was good enough for, than any other reason. 

She sat back down next to him silently, and waited for him to continue.

“My mom sent me away when I was a teenager. She sent me here, to live with Luke, because she couldn’t handle me. I was angry. I was… an angry kid. She was a diplomat, right? So we lived in different places, and I had to go to school wherever she was. I was always getting into fights. I was always  _ starting _ the fights, if I’m being honest. I didn’t always know why,” he admitted.

“And my dad, he wasn’t… he wasn’t a good dad. And he was a shitty husband. He treated her like shit, at least to me. Sometimes I think he would go away for his ‘business’ trips just to cheat on her, but he never would admit that, so I really don’t know. She forgave everything he ever did after a big huge screaming match. But me? I’d fight in school, and piss off the teachers, and never do my work, so I get sent away to live with some uncle I’d only ever seen at holidays. They didn’t even grow up together, but you’d never know it, the way they are with each other. You’d think they were soulmates or some shit, they way they always act like they know what the other one is thinking.”

“Why didn’t they grow up together?”

“Remember my grandfather killed my grandmother? They were twins, but at the time I think social services was even shittier than it is now. Luke was raised by some distant relative and my mother was raised by an adoptive family. I guess they only wanted one kid, maybe. Maybe it’s hard to get people to take two babies at once. I don't know.”

Rey leaned back against the couch, absorbing, with a short huff.

“I’m glad they were both adopted, even if they weren’t together,” she said, sincerely. Her intention wasn’t to think about herself, but she wouldn’t censor her honest reaction.

Ben tapped her lightly on the knee with the crook of his finger. She’d curled her legs under her and kicked off her shoes, getting comfortable in his presence again.

“Yeah, sorry, I guess that’s true. I was never very good at seeing the good with the bad, truly. It’s probably why she never liked me very much. My mom is all light with steel underneath, she can’t be swayed any other way to what her mind is set on, and it’s usually set on something virtuous. That makes her a good politician, but a terrible listener. And my uncle is all… I don’t know... philosophy and acceptance to the point that it’s maddening. To the point that any other emotion is something to be ashamed of, I think. And they got stuck with me, a younger version of the father that ruined their lives. Anger and resentment and critical of everything about them,” he said bitterly.

“Ben, you don’t think𑁋,”

“That my mother thinks I’m as bad as her father, and couldn’t stand to be around me? Yes, that’s exactly what I think.”

“But why?”

“Because I know that’s what she thinks.”

“Is that what she said, when she sent you to live with your uncle?”

“Not in those words.”

“Okay…”

Ben sighed.

“When I found out the truth about my grandparents, it only confirmed for me that I never fit in with my own parents. My mother never spoke of her grandparents, even though she knew the truth. Eventually the relatives that adopted Luke told him the truth and he found my mother, and they somehow became a family, just like that. I don’t even understand it. But then when my parents had me they just let me think they were adopted and didn’t know much. I found out at some stupid government function because someone brought it up to her to upset her, and she was forced to tell me, and then it clicked for me. Why I am how I am, why I’m so different from them. Why I was always angry, and jealous, and unhappy. We had a huge argument, in public, and I got in trouble the next week at school, and she sent me away.”

Rey shook her head.

“Maybe she wants to see you now, Ben?” Rey responded, weakly, at a loss. “All I know is it’s troubling you this much, and it sounds like she keeps reaching out.”

“I’m not troubled, okay? I just… I’m not a good person, Rey. And Luke reminded me of that. Maybe I needed the reminder. I just needed a break from stuff, and you can tell Finn you spoke to me and I’m fine.”

Rey’s head was spinning at his sudden change in tone. He’d asked her stay, so he could talk, and now he was closing off, clearly drawing the same conclusions he had when he was barely an adult.

“How can you possibly think you aren’t a good person, because of how things went down when you were a  _ teenager? _ ”

Ben looked away from her, at some point across the room.

“It’s not just that, okay? Then I started MMA, and I had this manager, Snoke, and when I left Luke’s I was 18 by that time𑁋 we had this huge altercation but it doesn’t matter𑁋 so I told him off and he said things, and I fucked around as a fighter for a decade. I couldn’t even figure out what to do with my life that didn’t involve beating the shit out of people, because that is what feels good.”

“You act like that makes you so villainous Ben. You haven’t killed anybody! So you had shitty parents you had fights with, and you went down an… unusual career path. What happened to let the past die, huh?” she nudged him with her elbow. She was completely taken aback by the depths of things bubbling below the surface of this man who had always seemed so put together, so good, so sure of himself.

Ben snorted. 

“I’m probably the villain to them, Rey. I couldn’t even go to my own father’s funeral because it meant being around my mother and uncle for too long.”

“What if you aren’t a hero  _ or _ a villain, Ben? Why is it either or? Life just isn’t this black and white, you know. What if you are just a person trying to sort through it all? You aren’t your grandfather, and it doesn’t  _ sound _ like you are your father, either,” she said. She pressed one hand to her chest, and another to his arm, gently. “Look at all the good you’ve done.”

“I haven’t done any good, Rey,” he said darkly. “I made my money fighting because at our truest, people are violent, and I’m  _ good _ at that. I worked with a man that I don’t even want to  _ talk _ to you about. My mother couldn’t even stand to keep me around when she saw how much I was like her father.”

“Do you really believe that?  _ Really  _ believe it, Ben? Or are you holding yourself back because it’s easier to say fuck it then to try to fix things? Isn’t it possible she was trying to help you… deal with your anger or whatever it was and she made mistakes? Because she thought Luke would be better for you than the constant moving around? Does that really mean she thought you were going to be her father? Really?”

“Trying to help me by sending me away so that I didn’t cause trouble for her work, you mean?”

Rey sighed.

“I don’t know, Ben. I really don’t. I couldn’t possibly and I wasn’t there, and I don’t want to pretend to understand something I can’t and hurt you… but you missed your father’s funeral, and now you are missing the rest of her life. It clearly hurts you still, and you are just pretending with me that this isn’t a big deal for you.  _ Isn’t _ it worth trying to fix?”

She took a deep breath.

“Just… just think about what you did for me, Ben. I didn’t know it, but being scared all the time was hurting me more than confronting what happened to me, but you can’t recognize that when you are in it. You pushed me. If there is a universe that cares, it pushed me to you, because I was stuck, Ben. I wasn’t living, I was surviving. I was terrified of life, and I didn’t know it! So… ask yourself, and you don’t owe me an answer… but ask yourself which hurts more. Does it hurt more to talk to your mother, to try to heal the past, or will it hurt more to lose her too? To lose all ties to your family, even if they aren’t perfect?”

Ben ran a hand through his hair and didn’t say anything, so she pressed on, unfamiliar with this level of trying to push someone in a certain direction, trying to  _ convince _ someone of the things they couldn’t see.

“Why is it that you want to push me to heal from my past and yours is unforgivable? Would you rather feel guillty for something you didn’t do, or for being a stupid teenager, than to feel like you’ve grown? If they don’t accept you now, that’s on them. But I think you are just protecting yourself. It’s easier to use people as an excuse not to change than it is to actually change. You are being selfish to protect only you and you don’t even realize it.”

His head turned up sharply.

“Selfish?”

“Yes, selfish. You think I don’t know what that is? You think I feel good about how I treated Finn because I was so traumatized? I can recognize now that I hurt him, even though it’s really Hux’s fault, but that’s what trauma does to people Ben.”

“That’s not the same. I wasn’t  _ traumatized. _ ”

Rey put her hand up to stop him.

“It’s not the same type of trauma, I wouldn’t even pretend to say that just to make you feel better. But it’s baggage, at the  _ very _ least. There are different types of pain to get over Ben, but one thing is true, and that is that humans tend to have a harder time truly  _ seeing _ other people when they are in that much pain. But we can  _ always _ try to make it better, after. It won’t get any easier the longer you wait, though,” she paused, waiting for a response but he looked impassive.

“Shitty childhoods are still things that make us angry, things we have to deal with. Maybe your anger was misplaced, but maybe they were terrible parents. I don’t know Ben, you just have to decide what you want to do NOW.”

Ben looked at her, really looked at her, sitting there in his home, coming to see him like he deserved it, and he thought just maybe he’d had no idea what it felt like to love somebody, and maybe now he did. But he didn’t see anymore how he could be good for her. Before this, weeks ago, he thought maybe so. He was so intrigued by her, he just  _ wanted _ her and had forgotten how complicated everything he ever wanted turned out to be.

“You are… kinder to me than I deserve,” he said, finally speaking but not really responding to what she said. “You know, I thought about literally killing Hux, for you. But it would just be for me, wouldn’t it? That’s not what you wanted, what you asked for. It would be sooooo easy for me.”

His voice took on a reflective, deep tone, detached from the emotions the entire conversation was stirring in Rey.

“I even thought through how to make it look like an accident. I could ask him to spar. Pretend I didn’t feel him tap. It would only take minutes to choke him. He’d never even see it coming. And you could write about it in your paper as an unfortunate accident, a cautionary tale.”

The troubled look that passed her face was exactly what he was expecting. And it was much easier for him to stand than the sympathetic, doe eyes she’d been leveling at him ever since he’d asked her not to leave.

Rey bit her lip. She’d said enough, and had nothing left to say.

She pulled his hand towards her, and he seemed surprised and startled.

“You’ll figure it out,” she repeated, not commenting on his last soliloquy.

And this time she did get up, to leave them both alone with their reflections, and to escape the thick, regret laden atmosphere they were both mired in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with our fav couple, bear with them.
> 
> People are confronted with their core beliefs when life is throwing things at them. Ben's core belief is that people are inherently violent, so he made a career out of his inborn nature that he doesn't actually like, and he goes at life seeing people through that lens. Rey's is more that most people are good, and bad things happen to them, leaving you with choices to make when shit goes down.
> 
> Also, Leia's car accident = when she got blasted out into space in TLJ haha.
> 
> [ This is a cute little read that I found when thinking about this Ben. My husband is one of those that is from 3 places *minimum* and gets asked where he's from so often b/c of his name and how he doesn't fit anything for people when they meet him/his generic accent it's frustrating. I see Ben a bit like the person describes in that link, and most people that can't pin down one place they are from find it far less interesting than those that are obsessed with figuring out where they are from. So a bit of that plays into this Ben for me.](https://www.quora.com/What-does-it-feel-like-to-be-the-child-of-a-diplomat)


	14. Chapter 14

Ben wasn’t sure what compelled him to practically run to Rey’s apartment on a Friday at dusk, a day after he’d poured his heart out to her more than he had to anyone ever. She’d left him;  _ again _ , with a sad but genuine smile. She was still holding on to things she hadn’t voiced, he knew, and he wasn’t entirely sure that there was anything he could do about the reasons she continued to push away what was between them. 

He thought back to when he’d asked Finn a week before if he still thought she’d ever come back to their class on Saturday nights after two had gone by and they’d heard not a thing from her.

_ “I don’t know, man. This is what she does. Maybe she won’t drop entirely out of your life like she did mine,”  _ Finn had replied, an uncharacteristic bitterness only slightly tinging his voice.

At present, Ben found himself pounding on her door unnecessarily forcefully.

“Rey, it’s me! Ben. Open up.”

The door opened so quickly that she must have been standing near it, Ben almost falling forward from not expecting her to answer so soon. Rey didn’t think she’d ever seen him stumble once. She hadn’t thought that Ben Solo ever lost his footing.

“I’m going to see my mom. I called her,” he said, walking inside and pacing.

“That’s… great,” Rey said, stunned at his entrance and general lack of composure. Ben suddenly noticed the dress she was wearing, the dangly silver earrings shining against the chestnut of her wavy hair, and the heels showing off her legs and making her just a bit taller than usual as she stood before him. He tried unsuccessfully not to linger on her legs as he made his sweeping assessment. She was in green again, like she had been on their not-date, and he never realized how much he could like that color.

“Oh, I...Uh, sorry. I shouldn’t have barged in like that.”

“It’s okay. I’m not leaving just yet. Well, soon, to be honest.”

“I’ll go. I just... I wanted you to know, for some reason,” he said, pained.  _ What was he thinking running over here like this?  _ She’d only come over to his place yesterday because Finn told her to, and it had been weeks of silence before that.

He began to make his way back toward the still open door, but Rey caught his upper arm in her hand, stilling him. He turned his head to the side, looking down at her inquisitively, and it hurt to be this close to her a second day in a row while still being so far apart.

“That’s wonderful, Ben. I’m glad you told me, you just surprised me. I’m happy for you. I hope it…” she searched for the right words, knowing this may or may not go the way he wanted. The way he likely  _ needed _ .

“I hope something good comes out of it, and I hope it brings you some bit of closure,” she settled on.

Ben tried not to lose all coherent thought at the sincerity in her voice, and the earnest way she looked up at him, close enough to see the various colors that swirled through her eyes, and to smell a new perfume wafting off of her. He thought she was overly guarded all this time, but when it came to some things, she was so, so very real.

“Come with me?” he blurted out.

She took in a sharp breath, clearly surprised and opened her mouth but no words came out.

“Please,” he whispered. “I know the last few weeks were all fucked up, I know… I know you feel differently than I do, maybe, but… please. You make me better. You make me less bitter. And my mom… you’re everything she’d love. Everything I’m not. Please. I’ll never ask you anything else again ever. It will be the last time I push you into anything.”

Rey swallowed, and tears pricked her eyes that she thankfully kept at bay. How could such a strong, self-assured man be so vulnerable, and why did it seem like his world had never allowed him to be?

“Okay,” she replied softly. She desperately wanted to cling to him, to kiss his pain away and do anything that would make him smile. But she didn’t do any of that.

“Yes. I’ll come,” she said louder, finding her voice and snapping herself out of the spell he always held on her.

Then, he did smile for her, albeit small, mostly noticeable as the wrinkles around his eyes deepened and the tension released from the rest of his face.

“Okay. Thanks, Rey. I…” his voice trailed off. He didn't know what to say around her anymore, maybe he hadn’t since he’d seen the panicked and broken expression on her face when she walked out of his gym that night, or the roiling emotions she tried to hide in her face in every conversation they’d had since. So much  _ still  _ hadn’t been said between them, but he knew. He knew she was afraid of so many things now, and the darkest part of his mind wondered if she was even afraid of  _ him _ now. He’d bared things to her just weeks after her finding out he was an associate of a man that attacked her. He almost couldn’t blame her for staying away, and he lied to himself about how he held on to the tiniest flicker of hope that maybe she’d work through her feelings and come back to him.

“I’ll see you next Sunday then? It’s brunch at my mother’s house. I can pick you up. Or I’ll text you the address. Whatever you want,” he rambled nervously.

She hated seeing him so unsure of himself. It wasn’t a suit he wore often; uncertainty wasn’t something she’d associated with him in the idea of the man that stood before her, the persona she’d created in her mind.

“I’ll meet you there,” she said quickly, a knee jerk reaction, but then seemed to reconsider. “I guess unless it’s far? I guess you could pick me up.”

“It’s outside the city. I’ll pick you up if that’s okay.”

“Okay, then, sure,” she said, somehow nervous at the prospect. 

“Okay,” he said, simply. Her hand was somehow still on his bicep, and it trailed down his arm as he walked out the door. She crossed her arms over her chest to keep from catching his hand and pulling him to her.

He turned in the doorway, looking at her once more before he left.

“Hey, wherever you are going tonight, be safe.”

It pained him to wonder what or  _ who _ she might be dressing up for.  _ Let’s just keep it friendly,  _ she said yesterday, and he didn’t think he’d barely done anything more than friendly at all.

“Always,” she said, knowing that it wasn’t actually a promise anyone could ever make.  _ Ever _ . She also knew she probably wouldn’t even have made plans with a friend before he kicked and punched his way into her life, so  _ that _ was an odd dichotomy.

She didn’t say that, of course, and then he was gone, as suddenly as he had come.

Later that night, as she danced away the stress collected in her tense muscles with Jannah, she knew she had so much to be grateful to him for. Men sent them drinks, or asked them to dance, and they ignored them, and she could admit it didn’t provoke her anxiety the way it would have before. Jannah’s confidence also rubbed off on her, as did the self-assured way she carried herself. It was just another thing she was noticing that made her  _ want _ more for herself than she had ever allowed before. She just didn’t know whether or not she was brave enough to give in to wanting more. 

And if she decided she was, she  _ had _ to figure out a way to stop holding Ben at arm’s length, or she knew she would always regret it.

* * *

  
  


The next day, as evening approached, Rey became hyper aware that the time for the Saturday self-defense class approached. She’d moved her usual weekend rock climbing from the mornings to the same time as the class the past few weeks, convincing herself she was just going back to her old routines before she’d met Ben, that she just needed to focus on herself and go back to making her life feel safe again.

But the longing that Ben sparked within her really couldn’t be ignored, and he’d been on her mind even more insistently since he’d left her house the night before. His desperation for connection, his presence, his vulnerability in coming to her, his request to have her there with him𑁋 she thought about it all.

Her mind was made before she’d even realized it, as she’d gotten up that day after her night of dancing and spent the later part of the morning rock climbing, did her grocery shopping on the way home, and came home to get ready to go to class.

The sunlight continued to last longer, so she walked to the gym, trying to quell the feeling of disquiet, similar to the first class she’d come to, fluttering in her chest. She was so, so tired of giving into that feeling. And she’d liked what she was learning before  _ he _ showed back up in her life, and she’d liked being around everyone she met at the class, not only Ben. At some point, it began to feel like she was letting  _ him _ control her actions, even from the past.

She entered the gym right on time, trying to move unobtrusively to a place at the edge of the mats. 

“Well, look who it is,” Finn said, approaching her with a smile. Without asking, he pulled her into a big hug, picking her up off the ground.

“Do you  _ always _ have to say hello this way?” she said, giggling. 

He set her down, predictably ignoring her, and called across the gym.

“Hey, Ben, look who decided to grace us with her presence.”

Ben emerged from his office, his gaze darting around the room and settling on Rey where she stood next to Finn. His long legs carried him over to them quickly, and his face split into a smile of relief.

“Hey,” she said nervously. “It’s not a big deal, you two. I just had time to come today.”

“It’s nice to see you here, then,” Ben replied.”I guess it’s time now, anyway.”

They left Rey there to begin the usual introduction, and she felt a bit of relief not to be the center of their attention.

After many of the usual warm ups Rey had become accustomed to, Ben introduced something she hadn’t heard of before.

“Most assailants have the goal of getting inside your guard, meaning inside your legs, as opposed to the mount position on top, with you trapped underneath their upper body on the ground. We teach a lot of things to avoid this𑁋 the wrist releases, how to combat being pushed or pulled in a base stance, and others. But if you find yourself in the situation where someone is in your guard, we want you to learn something called shrimping, used in combination with ground kicks and power kicks.”

Finn proceeded to lay on the floor and demonstrate an odd looking movement that resulted in his body making something of a right angle on his side. He turned from his back to his side, planting the foot of his top leg on the ground and sliding his hips along the floor briskly.

“After you slide out from under someone, you have an opportunity to kick them back, so we will practice shrimps and then floor kicks,” Ben said. Finn held his arms up behind him as if he were doing tricep exercises and thrust his leg forward. “These are difficult movements, and rely on a lot of core strength, so we will practice them as drills first.”

After mere minutes, Rey collapsed onto the floor with her legs and arms spread out, puffing a strand of hair out of her face.

Suddenly, Ben loomed over her, smirking, the bright lights of the ceiling a halo around him. He looked much like he had the first time he had tried to teach her to trap and roll, his dark hair falling down in short waves.

“This is exhausting. I give up,” she complained.

“It’s not easy. But it works,” he said, kneeling down over her, although he looked hesitant.

“Go ahead,” she said, nodding, realizing he was waiting for a cue from her. “Maybe it would help to see how the move actually works?”

Instead of crawling over her body, Ben shifted up higher on his knees, tall even that way, and called out unexpectedly, getting the attention of the group.

“Rey has volunteered to demonstrate what this move looks like in practice, now that we’ve had some time to try to get it down,” Ben announced. 

All eyes shifted to the two of them. Ben leaned back over her, positioning his knees between her legs and extending his arms out to the floor next to her head.

“You do know that I hate you right,” she whispered, just loud enough for him to hear.

He peered down at her, a self-satisfied expression. He realized he would never keep any promises he ever made not to push her. He just couldn’t help it when it came to her.

“First the shrimp, then the floor kick, then rock up and power kick, then up in base, and out of the situation. I know it’s a lot, but you’ll get it,” he told the group, turning his head to the side. 

“Rey is going to put both hands on my shoulders, completely stiff and straight, and push out and into the shrimp movement. Once she’s out, her right foot stays on my hip keeping me away, and she follows up with both kicks.”

His arms caged her in, and she attempted to push at his shoulders, roll to the side, thrust her hips backwards and slink out as gracefully as possible. Her heart sped up, entirely aware of how a class of ten or so people watched her movements as if she had  _ any _ idea what she was doing.

“Good,” Ben said, as she mimicked kicking him. “And remember when you practice it to go ahead and get up strong in base. Everybody, find a partner.”

Rey returned to the floor and Ben resumed a guard position over her.

“So, I guess you aren’t afraid of working with me anymore?” she teased. 

“Huh, I guess not,” he said, realizing she was talking about how things had been between them  _ before _ . 

She stretched her arms out straight, able to feel the muscles of his shoulders beneath her spread fingers, and pulled her hips out, rushing into her kicks and jumping up swiftly.

Suddenly, he lunged forward and grabbed her wrist, pulling her forward only slightly, but enough that she completely lost her balance and tumbled into him. Her face ended up buried in his solid chest, and she allowed herself a moment to breathe him in before pushing away, indignant.

“That’s not fair. You aren’t supposed to do that.”

“You didn’t get up in a strong base. I’m just demonstrating what happens if you don’t remember the correct way to get up off the floor, and your attacker isn’t slowed down by your kicks,” he said, matter-of-factly.

“That lesson was  _ weeks _ ago. You can’t expect me to remember that,” she dismised, rolling her eyes in feigned annoyance.

“Also, when I grabbed you, you should have practiced wrist releases enough to have developed a reflex to pull your wrist away effectively, without thinking.”

“So, let me see… you are telling me I should come more often, then?”

“Yes, I am.”

They had unconsciously moved toward one another after she’d pushed him away, and Ben was so, very,  _ very _ , close, she realized. Close enough to kiss his arrogant expression off of his face.

She shook her head.

“Well, I’m back aren’t I?” she grumbled, dropping back heavily onto the floor, and looking up at him. “Come on then. I’ll get up properly this time.”

As he knelt down, she couldn’t help but think it odd how right this felt, being here with him again. Slipping back into something she’d hardly begun. He was already back to business, however, and she forced herself to regain her focus.

“Don’t rush this time. Beginners often rush because they think it has to be done fast, but remember, it’s better to get it right and let your body really learn the technique.”

She nodded, and pushed against his shoulders to begin again.

After class, she wasn’t shy when she told him she needed either him or Finn to walk or drive her home since it was after dark. Ben left the nightly chores to Finn, and didn’t give him time to protest, causing Rey to stifle a laugh at the put-off expression on his face and make her way quickly to the door.

As they meandered slowly, neither one of them seeming to be in a rush to make it to her apartment, Ben seemed lost in thought.

“I’m glad you came tonight,” he finally said.

“Yeah, me too.”

“I thought you might not come back.”

“Yeah, me too,” she repeated. It was the truth.

“I’m sorry I put you on the spot like that.”

“No, you aren’t,” she laughed. “But it’s okay.” And oddly, it was. They didn’t say anything else the rest of the walk, and then they were standing at her door.

She cocked her hip to the side and leaned against the door frame, gazing up at him.

“Ben, I’m… I’m trying. I want you to know that. I  _ am _ trying,” she said softly, willing him to understand.

“I know you are.” His voice was gentle, loving.

She resisted the urge to look away, and looked at him as she said, for once, exactly what she was thinking.

“I can’t be what you want me to be, and I think that you think that I can.”

“And I think that you think there is some idea of what you should be or what I want, and it’s bullshit. I don’t want anything more than what we had. What we  _ have _ ,” he emphasized, leaning against the other side of the door frame on an elbow.

“You don’t really want me, Ben. You want the version of me I showed you the first time. Before,” she said, shaking her head.

“Don’t tell me what I want. I want you. Just like this. Just like you are.” His eyes were intense, burning with that fervor she envied. “I don’t know how to convince a person of that. But if I did, I’d do whatever I could to convince you.”

Rey bit the inside of her cheek and looked at the ceiling to try to keep the tears that were welling up.

“See? Why do you have to be so perfect? And say all the right things? It’s not fair. It’s like you aren’t real, not really.  _ This _ can’t be real. Because I’m just… you  _ know _ . You _ know _ how much of a mess I am.”

Ben scoffed, speechless.

“You can’t honestly sit there and compare yourself to me and call me ‘perfect’, Rey. After everything I’ve told you about myself?”

“That’s different.”

“It’s  _ not different, _ ” he said, irritation leaching into his voice.

“Well, what I meant was that you are perfect for _ me _ , and you make me want things and it’s  _ hard _ for me to want things,” she said, running a hand through the hair that was falling out of it’s ponytail.

“Why?”

“Because when you want things they get taken  _ away _ !” she yelled, the emotion unable to be kept at bay.

Ben leaned forward, his hand at her waist, pulling her into him. He felt the soft curve of her lower back, his hand grasping the fabric there as if it were a lifeline. She responded by burying her face into his neck, so close he could smell the citrusy scent of her shampoo.

“Has it honestly never occurred to you that if you can say I am perfect for you, with all of my flaws, that you could be perfect for me?”

“Uhm. No?” she said, her voice raising in pitch as if she wasn’t sure herself.

He hugged her to him, wishing that his embrace alone could make her see, preparing his heart for the fact that he had to pull away.

“I know you are trying. And when you decide what you want, it’s not going to get taken away. I’m going to be right where you can find me, waiting.”

He kissed her forehead, just the slightest brush of his lips, ending so soon she could have imagined it. 

“Now go inside and lock your door with your 28 locks so I can go home,” he said, trying to lighten the heaviness.

She shook her head, and half-laughed, half-scoffed.

“I hate you.”

“I know,” he smirked.

She slipped inside, turning for a quick wave. 

“I’ll see you next weekend. Maybe for class. Definitely for your brunch.”

Her small smile was like sunlight to him, and he didn’t know how somebody that shined as brightly as she did was so unable to receive any warmth in return. But he believed her when she said she was trying.

  
He felt relieved and hollow at the same time, a fond ache reverberating in his chest as he turned around to make his way home.  _ At least she came tonight, _ he reminded himself, and he would hold onto that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shrimping ain't easy. But it will give you ab muscles, so there is that. I think Rey needed a little reminder of how easy it can be between them.
> 
> I don't think I've said how much I appreciate all the comments and bookmarks <3 Thank you all for sticking with me.


	15. Chapter 15

Rey reflected on her week as she got ready for the brunch with Ben and his mother. 

She was buried in work, which she never minded. She had the piece she’d been discussing with Amilyn, something of an exposé, keeping her busy on top of her regular assignments, and she’d even had to fill in at a city council meeting for the regular beat reporter who’d gotten sick at the last minute one night. _Lucky me_ , she’d thought, that she’d been packing up to leave after working a bit late just when an editor was looking for someone to sit through the three hour long meeting.

The series including the historical pictures of downtown had taken up a lot of her time and was finally published, Jannah having taken impressive present day photographs that meshed with the older ones they found in a way they couldn’t be happier with. 

Rey had seen Snap around, but had begun studiously ignoring any new messages to her, words like _boundary setting_ echoing in her thoughts. She’d been processing her emotions from the last few months by finally taking the time to research trauma and behavior and what to do about it. When she wasn’t working, she was reading. It was a mentally exhausting week, but she found she couldn’t complain.

She realized she might be better off finding an actual therapist, but at least there was more information available now geared towards helping people digest and analyze the things that had happened to them than ever before. Aside from looking up how to recognize and calm herself after panic attacks years ago, she hadn’t devoted much time to mental health resources, and now she was. 

Looking through her closet, she chose to keep it mostly casual, thinking it would be weird to dress up _too_ much for brunch at someone’s home. She tried to bat away errant thoughts of wanting to make a good impression on Ben’s mother as if this was some _meeting the parents_ event, which it wasn’t. Rey knew that wasn’t why Ben had invited her, and she doubted he even cared about conventions like that. That wouldn’t seem like him, even if either one of them had grown up with ‘normal’ parents and dated in some prescribed, linear fashion.

She shook her head at her useless thoughts as she pulled on her top. Normal was such a ridiculous word anyway, though she wasn’t sure how else to frame how different her life seemed, even to herself, sometimes. 

She was satisfied with her reflection, wearing dark jeans, her usual flats and a black, off the shoulder top. She left her hair loose and wavy again, as it had grown to just past her shoulders. She thought she might let it stay longer for a little while. She’d been keeping it short for years.

The knock sounded through the door exactly at the time Ben had told her he’d come. She had to admit she couldn’t wait to see him, particularly outside of the gym. When she swung open the door with a cheerful smile, she wasn’t surprised to see he looked as good as ever, wearing jeans and a dark green henley.

His face showed a mask firmly in place, she noted, but she’d expect nothing less on a day like this. Perhaps her role should just be to be hopeful enough for the both of them. She could do that, for him. 

They made small talk on the drive, a good 35 minutes or so, the highway giving way to more spread out, larger homes and neighborhoods. Ben’s restlessness was palpable, his left hand sliding around the wheel and back up, the fingers of his right hand tapping against it lightly. She chose to regale him with stories from her week as a distraction. She recounted the comments made at the city council meeting by people disgruntled over one thing or another, the funnier letters’ to the editor that wouldn’t be published for space, the little things she’d discovered about the city doing the photo series his building was a part of. His face softened infinitesimally, small smiles escaping here and there. 

Soon enough, they pulled up to a brick home with a manicured yard, the kind that she would have thought only millionaires lived in when she was a kid in foster care. Now she could recognize it was probably more firmly upper middle class, but still something anyone would want either way. The tans of the bricks had hints of light reds and pinks attractively arranged, so different from the sometimes monotonous council houses and buildings she’d grown up around.

Ben stopped the car, and stared at the home, his large hands still wrapped around the black steering wheel.

“This is nice,” Rey offered.

“Yeah. I’ve only been here once.”

It was odd for Rey to be reminded that not everyone had a childhood home they associated memories with just because they’d had a different background than her with regards to parents and family. 

He wasn’t allowed any more time to get ready to go inside, as a petite woman with graying hair stepped out on the porch, waving excitedly.

As they approached, Rey couldn’t be more startled at their differences, looking from one to the other.

His mother pulled him into a tight hug, and Ben looked a little lost, towering over her but eventually putting his arms around her back without saying anything and squeezing lightly. Her head didn’t even clear his shoulders, settling several inches below, right against his heart. 

His mother finally pulled away, holding a hand out.

“I’m Leia, it’s lovely to meet you, Rey.”

Rey shook her hand.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” she answered a bit mechanically, taking in the moment. Leia was soft curves and motherly grace to Ben’s sharp angles, and Rey hadn’t expected anything really, but it was still something to behold.

Leia ushered them inside and straight back out again, to a patio with huge urns holding a variety of flowers and a vegetable garden visible with a stone path leading to it. She bade them to sit down as she poured coffee that was already on the table, and hurried inside to collect plates of pastries and fruit. She bustled around nervously as if she was afraid the morning was in danger of slipping away, even though they’d only just sat down.

Ben’s hand shook slightly as he lifted his coffee cup and gazed out at the yard during his mother’s second trip back inside.

“So, I take it your father was tall, then?” Rey asked sweetly, nudging his elbow with hers.

He laughed, thank goodness, at her attempt to break up his unease.

“Taller than my mother at least. I told you always stuck out like a sore thumb,” he mused.

Leia returned, and the easiest conversations proceeded first, Rey telling her about her job, and how she met Ben, with Ben attempting to take part and throw in details here and there. He answered politely when his mother asked how the business was going and expressed how much she wanted to see it.

“Actually, we did a whole photo series including his building,” Rey said, pulling out her phone and showing Leia at _the Republic’s_ website. “A picture you took helped me research the building.”

Leia looked wistful and a bit sad.

“I saw it, actually. I saw the first article, as well. I get the paper delivered.”

“Oh,” Rey wasn’t sure what to say to that. It wasn’t a surprise though, that Leia might have noticed articles related to her only son, after all.

“So, you two met through business, and now you are here at my house having brunch. Anything more to add about that?” Leia pivoted easily.

Rey could practically feel the emotions spike in Ben, sitting next to her, as he tensed up.

“Not really,” Rey laughed easily. “We simply hit it off. We’ve become friends.”

“Ah, I was hoping my long lost son here wanted to bring someone to meet me because he had news to share with his mother,” she said bluntly, peering at him curiously.

Ben’s face remained purposefully impassive, at the word friends or his mother’s questioning, or both.

But he sighed, and couldn’t ignore that he hadn’t exactly given his mother a reason for his visit.

“To be honest, Luke came by and told me that you were in the hospital, and didn’t want to call me, and that hurt. And I thought that maybe… we’d had too much distance. Maybe for too long. I just wanted to see you,” he met her eyes, his voice carefully controlled.

Leia looked as if she’d had no idea about Luke’s visit, and had been earnestly trying to figure out what prompted Ben’s contact with her. Rey thought she might either burst into tears or jump back into his arms, but she did neither.

Instead, she let out a huff.

“He didn’t tell me that,” she said simply. “I hadn’t even seen _him_ since we went to your father’s grave last year. We hardly talk, anymore. Not really.”

Ben’s mask slipped into a picture of shock.

“But you two are so close,” he said, confused.

“We are, but it’s not the same. Not anymore. He blames himself for how broken up the family is. And the last time we fought about you, I told him I was tired of him making himself a martyr when I was the one who was a terrible mother,” she said, leaning back and taking a sip of her coffee, and reaching down to pet the dark brown bulldog that had been sitting at her feet ever since she'd sat down.

Ben looked absolutely speechless, and Rey grabbed his hand under the table.

“I don’t even know what to say to that. That doesn’t sound much like you _or_ Luke,” he finally said.

“We’ve had a lot of time to think about things, Ben. A lot of time has passed. For what it’s worth, without dragging up a lot of things in front of company, I’m sorry. I really, really am. For many things.”

More emotions flickered across Ben’s face than Rey had ever seen. Incredulity, wonder, pensiveness and finally anger.

“Rey isn’t _company_ ,” he said, the word seeming to trigger part of his reaction. “I just... I need a minute.” 

He pushed up from his chair and stalked into the house.

Predictably, there was an awkward silence between the women sitting at the round, iron wrought table, Rey unsure of if she should follow Ben inside or not.

“I think perhaps I should have told him I was sorry a long time ago, but it isn’t a conversation you have over email,” Leia said eventually.

“Isn’t it?” Rey blurted out, sure she was overstepping, but not caring. “Wouldn’t that have been better than years of not talking?”

“Maybe,” Leia conceded sadly. “I just kept hoping he’d reply to one of my invites. Like he did today. I didn’t want to push. You have to understand, when he left the hospital after Han died, he looked destroyed. And then I had to deal with my own grief in my own time. It takes years to get over the love of your life leaving you. It’s hard to see anything else. But I did want Ben to want to be here. I really, really did.”

Rey stretched her legs out into the sun splashing across the patio and didn’t reply, gazing at the garden.

“What did he tell you about that time?” Leia persisted.

“I don’t know how much I should say. I’m not here to betray anyone’s confidence.”

“Of course. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know how much…” her voice trailed off. “Anyway, I doubt there is anything you could say to me that would make him angry at _you_ , my dear.”

Rey frowned as she tried to decipher her meaning.

“I know he feels badly about a lot of things. I think he just didn’t think anything was fixable between him and you, or Luke. He has said the least about Luke,” Rey settled on.

“That sounds about right,” Leia answered, taking a sip of coffee. “Things have always been very black and white to Ben. Fixable or not. Broken or not. Maybe I’m the same way.”

After a few minutes of silence, Rey’s curiosity got the best of her.

“So, what happened in all the years in between Ben living with Luke and his father dying? Did any of you ever go to his matches?” It seemed like there was such a huge gap in time, and it was hard for her to put together that much estrangement.

“Luke was entirely against Ben using any of his knowledge for something like MMA, and they’d had words about it. Luke didn’t like his manager, either, and being a prize fighter wasn’t exactly the career I’d envisioned for my son. He is far too intelligent for that, just like he was far too intelligent to waste all the opportunities he was given at private schools all around the world.”

Rey frowned. She didn’t think that all sounded entirely fair, but what did she know? She’d never had parents to send her to a fancy school so she could disappoint them.

“What did his father feel about his choice of profession?”

Leia let out a small chuckle, but it sounded regretful.

“Han was probably the only one who really saw him and just wanted him to be happy. We had so many arguments about it, about how to handle different things. I doubt Ben knows that, though.”

Rey wasn’t sure if she could think of anything sadder, and she knew at some point she’d ask Ben more about those years, and more about why he couldn’t face his father’s death, but definitely not today. She heard the scrape of the screened sliding door behind her, as Ben returned and sat down heavily.

Leia reached across the table and grabbed his hand lightly.

“Son, I’m simply too old for this now. This waiting around and wasting time, and never knowing when to say what. I just want you back in my life. So, I’m just going to say it. I’m sorry I made mistakes. I’m sorry I sent you to Luke’s. I’m sorry about how you found out about so many things, and it hurts me to say this, but I’m sorry that I couldn’t figure out how to live my life and have my career, one I can’t regret, while being a better mother. Please believe that I tried. That I thought I did what was best for you at the time.”

Ben looked at the ground and crossed his arms over his chest.

“It wasn’t all your fault,” he said sullenly. “I wasn’t a happy kid. And I was never good enough for you or dad. I know that.”

Rey’s heart _shattered_ at the things he believed, and she considered retreating from such a private moment, but leaving would cause more intrusion than sitting silently, and he’d asked her to be here. She really wanted to be the kind of person that showed up for those she cared about.

“You were always good enough, and I’ve never figured out why you thought you weren’t. Your dad and I𑁋 our issues weren’t your fault. They never could be. Never,” she said, shaking her head.

“Okay, Mom, fine,” he said in a voice that sounded tired, and like he didn’t believe it. “But why send me away? After that fight? What else was I supposed to think except that you were ashamed of me? I was a kid, and I was just upset, and I told you it made sense to me now that I was such a fuckup and you _sent me away._ ”

Leia sighed heavily.

“Maybe I was trying so hard to make a mark like my mother had that I failed at being a good mother myself. I had been presented with this story of this trailblazing woman whose life was cut short, and I thought about her more than I ever thought about my father. I never thought you’d be like him, I couldn't even understand why you were so upset about it. It didn’t make sense to me that you’d compare any part of you, my brilliant son, to him, just because we hid it,” she replied.  
  


“I never _agreed_ with what you thought about yourself, Ben. I just thought I wasn’t right for you, and I didn’t understand why you were so angry, so I did what I thought was best. I didn’t want my failings to harm you, and I thought Luke could give you more stability and less… dysfunction. You know I loved your father, and we always worked it out, but I see now how unhealthy our relationship was when you were a child. That’s not your fault.”

Ben scoffed.

“Well, I wish you had said that, then.”

“I wish a lot of things, too, son.”

The conversation stopped as mother and son processed what had been said, and Rey just listened to the sound of the birds that could be heard in the late morning and played with the food left on her plate. She didn’t want to be the one to break the silence.

“So, I think that’s enough heavy for one day, hmm?” Leai’s voice broke the silence. “You sure you kids didn’t come here to tell me anything? Weddings? Babies? Nothing?”

Ben groaned and placed his head in his hands.

“I thought you said you wanted me to come back and see you again some time, mother dear,” he muttered drily.

“Well, yes, so I won’t tease you again, but I don’t for a second believe you two are just friends.”

Rey’s heart sped up. They weren’t, but she’d given Ben little clue to her thoughts, and they’d never defined anything in the first place.

“We are more than friends, yes,” she blurted out. “But, well, there isn’t much else to say. Certainly nothing to announce.”

Ben turned his head to the side, peeking through his fingers at her curiously with the faintest smile on his face, and the rest of the brunch felt a whole lot lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if my take on family trauma makes sense, but I could write it for days.
> 
> I think people don't talk much about Leia and her ambition from the perspective of being an adoptee. We've got themes of found family all over the new trilogy, and adopted/unadopted people all through SW. I'm one of the few people that didn't hate Rey "Skywalker" b/c I know what it's like to have to find family when you have little or no biological family, and I think Ben is included in Skywalker whether he's a Solo or taking the name Ren. That's an aside tho.
> 
> My father grew up in an orphanage - his father left the family when he was 4 by going AWOL from the military and settling in Las Vegas (seriously stellar guy) and his mother died shortly after- so he and his 3 siblings were sent to a church 'Home' even though they had cousins and aunts they knew. Two of his siblings died there, (I have one remaining uncle, and my younger sister died two years ago, so my small family just gets smaller). We have exactly one picture each of his mother and two siblings. When I was little, I'd stare at her and think she looked like a movie star (probably the vintage hair haha). My dad is highly traumatized and barely spoke about her. So I pictured Leia that way, figuring out a backstory that is similar to canon but believable in our universe. She has a story of her mother (instead of a picture), this rockstar woman senator, but no idea how to live up to her. No one's trauma excuses anything they do, but it passes down to their children in ways they never meant, and definitely didn't want. To me, whether people realize it or not, we love Stars Wars b/c it's a collection of *traumatized* people choosing to either be good or bad after weighing the things that have happened to them that they aren't happy about. 
> 
> So I thought, what does it look like when you have a highly ambitious woman like Leia who is still trying to find herself and prove herself? And what if her kid doesn't care about anything she cares about? And her marriage isn't perfect and he's in the middle of that? You have a recipe for a million perspectives being true and not true and no one being all right or all wrong. (also, a note, in trying to heal my family and understand my father and uncle, a common theme that adoptees talk about is the trauma that is there regardless of if they did indeed grow up in a loving family. It might look different than someone in foster care or an orphanage, but it's not right if the reason we don't think of Leia as having to deal with the pain of losing biological parents is because she grew up with loving parents as a princess. It's not that simple).
> 
> I should delete this author's note. It's long. Yikes.


	16. Chapter 16

They left Leia’s house and Rey had to admit it might have been one of the most socially awkward engagements she’d ever been a part of. Still, it had been pleasant at times, and she didn’t think she would ever not be intrigued by anything that allowed her to peek into the mystery that Ben was to her. Despite the awkwardness, she didn’t think she would have wanted to have been anywhere else on a Sunday morning.

He was infinitely more relaxed on the way home, his body settling back into the driver’s seat, and his left arm extending out from the steering wheel. Rey found herself, just for a minute, trying to remember why she hadn’t been sitting next to him just like this at any point since she’d met him. At _every_ point since she’d met him, she thought ruefully.

She didn’t think about that too hard though, because then all the events of the past few months would take over mind whether she wanted them to or not.

Instead, she focused on the fact that he looked... _edible…_ sitting next to her so laid-back, a stark contrast from just a few hours before. He never didn’t look good, but when he was relaxed, and quietly casual, she wanted to tell him to pull over so she could climb into his lap. She hadn’t realized anyone could make something as benign as driving seem so sexy. She looked out the window for a few minutes to hide her slight blush and crossed her legs uncomfortably.

“Can I ask you something? Did your career, or working with Snoke, ever make you happy?” she posed timidly. She didn’t mention his father or how his mother had admitted that he was the only one who cared about Ben’s happiness. 

“Happy? I don’t think happiness ever figured into any of my motivations. I just got to a point, fighting for so long, training for so long… where I realized that maybe I wasn’t wrong. Maybe people are just meant to be violent. You can tell yourself it’s a sport, and it is, but it was doing something to me, the competition, the machismo, the insipidness of it all. And I don’t think I realized until after I had a career and excelled at it that I never wanted to prove myself right,” he said thoughtfully. “My manager… I will say that knowing Snoke made me see the difference between embracing being cutthroat and just participating in a sport, though. At first I thought there was finally somebody who was helping me achieve what _I_ wanted out of life, but he wasn’t.”

“How so?”

Ben heaved a deep sigh.

“He only ever used anything that happened to me to hype up a fight, to get a bigger negotiation. He blindsided me a few times, but it didn’t matter to him if it got us more money. Anything to keep my name on people’s minds. It started to take away from the rush, from the energy you get from training and winning. I just liked fighting, that’s all. I didn’t like all the crap that came with it.”

He paused for a second, flicking on his turn signal as they got off the highway.

“Anyway, I’m fairly sure he covered up other fighters’ indiscretions, people he’s worked for since me, because I knew them. He just uses the media in any way he can, good or bad. I needed to get away from him. It was changing me.”

Rey raised her eyebrows.

“Is that why you quit?”

Ben shook his head, and laughed a small laugh.

“You have been trying to make me out to be something more noble than I am since the day we met, Rey. No, just like I told you months ago, I got old. After 35 is old for a fighter. It was my time to quit. I didn’t quit for any righteous cause, or even because I began to hate my manager. But it helped me want to leave it behind. I was… tired… of being around a certain atmosphere. It wore on me.”

“And you are always trying to downplay any good in the choices you’ve made. But either way, I can see that It wore on your soul.”

“If that’s a thing people have, Rey. I’m not convinced.”

She smiled, and her heart swelled, and it felt suspiciously like a feeling of warmth and admiration and… acceptance that might be what some people call love.

“No shock there, Solo. So... it wore on your heart, anyone can see that.”

Rey hesitated. In all of the ensuing pain and drama surrounding their brief relationship, _his_ feelings, or Finn’s for that matter, on Hux mattered little to her. But she had to ask.

“How did you feel, then, when you found out you were training with a guy, in your own gym, that has honestly probably assaulted more than one person?”

“Well, I wasn’t happy about it. I was angry. I could have killed him, Rey, without a second thought, but I told you that. I wouldn’t have felt any guilt. If I thought I’d get away with it without getting caught, I can’t say I wouldn’t have.”

“But he’s never killed anyone,” she whispered. “Well, not that we know of. Doesn’t that make him... Less dangerous than...say, a murderer? I don’t know… I can’t figure out what justice even _is_. Not on this subject.”

“I don’t care. I don’t see why _you_ should. He derailed your whole life plan,”𑁋 she flinched𑁋 “and I know you don’t like to see it that way. You keep trying to say I’m good, but I’d kill him for hurting you in a heartbeat, Rey. It’s not like he’s in jail. It’s not like you’ve been able to stop him from doing it again.” 

Rey chewed on her lip. She had nothing to say. There were things out of her control, and it burned, but that was reality. She had no power over Hux, and never ever would. And she doubted if she’d tried to go the legal route it would have helped, either.

“Finn stopped me from beating the shit out of him. For all I know, all that would have done is made him go take his anger out on someone weaker than him, some other girl he knows.”

She had nothing to say to that, making a noise somewhere between a scoff and gasp. One thing Ben would never, ever do is pull his punches, even in the way he analyzed life and people. She thought it must be exhausting, being so cynical. Maybe that’s why she just… chose not to think about it at all, if she could help it, for such a long time.

They pulled into the parking lot of her apartment building moments later, and she opened the car door, setting one foot outside and turning to him.

“I hope today was good for you, Ben. I hope it brought you something good.”

Ben grabbed her elbow as she pushed her handle towards the door to leave.

“Are you still mad at me? I’m sorry, I just need to know,” he said. “At my mother’s house, you said…”

Rey wondered for the first time if she’d been being unfair to not let him know what she’d been thinking these past few weeks. But she’d been too wrapped up in trying to put one foot in front of the other to think about it too much.

“No, no, I’m not mad. I don’t think I’ve been mad at you since… maybe since the very next day. I’ve felt a lot of things the past few weeks, anger being one of them, but it wasn’t really directed at you all that much.”

Ben looked relieved.

“Oh. Good. I thought...”

She waited, so he tried to find the words.

“I thought maybe you were still mad at me and that’s why we haven’t… why we haven’t been able to be together. To pick up where we left off?” 

The words seemed inadequate.

“It’s not that simple. I didn’t stay away because I was angry, at least not recently. I just… I feel like how can I offer you what you deserve when I’m barely holding it all together? I _want_ to be with you. Maybe it was wrong for me to not make that clear. I tried to be with you, after, you know… and didn’t want to.”

“ _That_ wasn't quite that simple.”

Rey sighed a heavy sigh of exhaustion and regret.

“I know. I know it wasn’t. I’m...sorry about that. Would you believe me if I said I’m ready now? Ready to try to be with you again, even if I was not doing so well for a week or so there?”

“That’s all I want, Rey. Of course I believe you. I just didn’t want to hurt you more.”

“Please trust me to know what I'm ready for, and I promise you… I promise you I’ll try to tell you more of what I am thinking.”

Ben’s mind floated back to last week, when she’d been wearing that dress, and getting ready to go out.

“I thought that maybe you were moving on from me. That maybe you went out on a date last week.”

“Yes, dear, women never get dressed up and go out just to have fun,” she replied drily. 

“So, you didn’t meet anyone else?” She felt a pang of guilt that he’d even thought that.

“While I was out dancing with my friend Jannah and noticing how every guy that hit on me wasn’t you? No. I didn’t meet anyone else,” she said petulantly.

Ben couldn’t hide his relief. He wasn’t even sure he’d realized how much he needed to hear her confirm it for him.

“I had to ask.”

“You’re so annoying. No, I’ve been thinking about you constantly, okay? Happy now?” she giggled. 

“Well, I’ve been thinking about you constantly, too.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear it.”

She got out of the car, surprised when he followed suit.

“What are you doing?”

“More-than-friends people can walk each other to their doors, can’t they?” he asked.

“Oh. Right, of course.”

As they walked up the stairs, she considered asking him to stay. But she had work to catch up on, and some things to finish.

“Thanks for coming with me today,” Ben said, catching her hand at the door.

“It wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“No, I don’t guess it was.” He gave her a small smile. “Mostly because you were there with me.”

_Here we are again,_ she thought, _standing at this door, and you aren’t going to invite him in._

The overwhelming lust she felt for him clouded her mind, and she had to remind herself she had things she _had_ to do. Ben was still lightly holding her hand, so she reached up to peck him on the cheek.

“More-than-friends people can kiss each other good-bye at the door, too, can’t they?” he said, his voice low and husky.

Her heart thudded in her chest, and she nodded in the affirmative, canting her head upward.

He gently brushed his lips against hers once, and then again, and then a third time.

She warred with her desire to pull him into her apartment and repeat the impulsiveness of the first time they’d been together𑁋 when she’d quit thinking so much and just acted on instinct and feeling. Suddenly, she was grasping at him anywhere and everywhere, her hands settling on the back of his head, encouraging him to keep kissing her for as long as he wanted. His tongue slipped into her mouth and her back hit the door as she sucked on his bottom lip.

She wanted to be absolutely consumed by him.

He ran his hand underneath her thigh and lifted her up, pinning her to the door with his hips, moving his mouth to her neck and peppering her with kisses. She was beyond thinking at the feel of him through his jeans, and she hooked her legs around him.

“Ben, I uh… I was going to tell you I had too many things to do this afternoon to invite you in, but maybe… maybe I don’t.”

“Hmm,” he answered, moving back up to catch her lips again. She didn’t think she’d ever enjoyed the feel of kissing this much, but when it was _him_ , she couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

He pulled back, and closed his eyes, both of them panting.

“I have to be at the gym. I’m supposed to be, anyway. I can tell Finn brunch went long.”

Hearing Finn’s name and remembering the time was enough to bring Rey back to coherence.

“Oh, ok. No, no don’t do that. I really have get inside,” she murmured. “Alone, I mean. I do. Need to go inside.”

Ben sighed, and gently lowered her back onto the ground.

“Okay.”

“I really do want to make up for lost time, Ben.”

She ran her fingers through his hair one last time and pulled him down for a chaste kiss, quickly pulling back before she did anything more.

“Maybe next weekend. I’ll see you on Saturday, at least.”

After they said their goodbyes and Rey slipped into her apartment, Ben groaned and leaned his forehead against the door.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It was Thursday, and Amilyn sat at her desk reading from her notes on her desktop while Rey nervously fidgeted with the pen in her hands.

“Well, the good news is, I think it’s good to publish,” Amilyn said, tapping at the keyboard with quick precision while she talked. 

“With my changes, of course. I’ve merged the two stories you gave me, using the personal experience as the lede. It gives it more impact, and the facts can come after. I’m going to let you read over what I’ve done and send it back to me, and it’ll be just about ready to go,” she said, not stopping her typing once while she spoke.

Rey blew out a breath, one she didn’t realize she had been holding.

“I wasn’t sure if the paper would even be interested in the personal story, that’s why I wrote them as two separate pieces... I’m still worried about backlash, but that’s why I didn't include any real details.”

Amilyn looked up from the computer screen.

“There will always be backlash, on a great many subjects actually, but that’s why stories like this aren’t usually published without extensive thought. But I’ve merged them because we are going to put it on the Saturday editorial page. You’re an op-ed.”

“Oh, I… I didn’t expect that,” Rey said, surprise evident in her voice, excitement swelling in her chest.

“That’s where it fits the best. Some of what you write about is opinion and personal experience, but it's informed. It made sense to merge the two rather than trying to have one news article and one not. Trust me on this one,” Amilyn smiled. “The facts merge really well with your… experience.” 

Amilyn’s smiling but no-nonsense expression actually faltered, but it was so brief it was hard to catch.

“I never thought I’d make it to the editorial page,” Rey mused. 

“So, are you ready for this? Your byline with this story?” Amilyn asked.

“I am. I know what I wrote, and my interviews were good, and I know that I didn’t make anything up,” Rey responded. “Although, I might stay away from the comment section.”

Amilyn made a face.

“Okay, I’m sending it to you now. I’ll expect it back before Friday at 5, and it needs to ready to go.”

“Yep,” Rey affirmed, trying to show as much confidence to her editor as she could.

As she walked back to her desk, her stomach flipped at the thought of _so many_ people having access to all that she’d written. She was really only heartened by the fact that she was confident in her storytelling, her writing and in her research. It didn’t hurt that Amilyn hadn’t so much as batted an eye when Rey approached her. And by the fact that writers were used to being out of sight and out of mind, in a sense, just days after a story might be published. Even when something controversial hit the stands, people hardly noticed the byline and they had short attention spans.

She _really_ hoped none of her co-workers wanted to discuss it with her, however. Maybe she’d take Monday off.

* * *

  
  


It was early Saturday afternoon, and the two men stood leaning against Ben’s desk in the office, while the noises of their members sparring and working out could be heard coming through the half open door. Ben read, Finn listening intently next to him, and reading along over his shoulder at the parts of Rey’s article that felt too intimate to say out loud.

_...Thirty states, including this one, have no guidelines whatsoever in place for sexual assaults that occur on college campuses, leaving state and private higher learning institutions to come up with policies of their own, and perhaps worse, leaving them with no accountability if they do not._

_The biggest university in this city refused to release records detailing what disciplinary actions were taken against sexual assault perpetrators just last year, yet Chancellor Palpatine says the university takes sexual assault seriously. A formal Freedom of Information Act was submitted, upheld by the state’s supreme court._

_Aside from an information packet given out during freshmen orientation, there is little guidance for students on who to contact or what to do should an assault occur, and while there are some counselling services available, they appear to be underutilized. The school’s own data on students asking for services related to sexual assault reveal numbers far below the estimated number of students who likely have experienced assault, based on surveys conducted to assess the prevalence of sexual assault on college campuses._

_This is the same institution where my own rape occurred, and in my case, it never occurred to me to reach out to any campus service. Would repeated messaging about the services available have helped? I’ll never know._

_Fortunately, Jyn Erso of the Office of Student Services said more students than ever before utilize the campus’s mental health services, and that includes assault victims. Erso is unable to say how many, however._

_It may be due to the prevailing culture of stigma and the highly personal nature of the issue, but lack of record keeping at universities across the nation poses another roadblock for those that advocate for both better services and accountability._

_How do we hope to tackle a problem𑁋 from prevention, to support, to accountability and justice𑁋 all facets that need to be addressed𑁋 if we base our data on surveys and have little other documentation? Experts still believe that 3 out of 4 rapes go unreported, according to RAINN._

_Don’t get me wrong; surveys and estimates are an important tool to assessing how many survivors of sexual assault are out there, yet detractors often claim these are unreliable or innaccurate, perhaps because they don’t fit the violent, scary-man-in-the-bushes picture of a rape that they see as the only legitimate form of sexual assault. If those that wish to downplay the high rates of assaults on campus don’t believe survivors that self-report in surveys, how can we possibly imagine that support services to victims and consequences for the perpetrators are ever going to follow in an effective, unified way?_

_If thirty states have no oversight or legislation to speak of, the country has no unified understanding or vision of how to combat this evil._

_I know now that though my attacker maintained a position of power over me, and wielded it with no shame, there could have possibly been a different outcome in regards to justice had I reported it. Or he could have retaliated, and gotten away with it, the burden of proof always on the victim when the crime is safely committed behind closed doors, with no witnesses to vouch for you._

_The uniqueness of this crime then demands an entire paradigm shift in how we create and maintain an atmosphere where perpetrators don’t feel safe to get away with their crimes in the first place, and victims feel like they will be believed should they come forward. Battling the shame is hard enough; survivors need the clear and loud support to feel safe to come forward. It is time for the stigma and pretending the problem is small to end. The trauma and brain fog one experiences after an assault make it difficult to make decisions. Strong, supportive messages are needed._

_Largely, no on campus culture has been engendered that makes survivors feel safe to come forward. No ongoing messages, towards either perpetrator or victim, are embraced by either the university I attended, or nearly any others across the nation._

_The University at Chandrila is a notable exception..._

Ben’s voice trailed off again, and the men finished reading in silence.

“Did you know she was writing this?” Finn asked.

“No, I had no idea. She didn’t say a thing.”

Finn shook his head.

“That sounds about right.”

Ben smiled fondly.

“Yeah, that sounds like her,” he said. “Maybe it’s best not to mention it.”

“Speak for yourself,” Finn responded, pushing off the desk and heading out to the main area of the gym.

Ben rolled his eyes, pulling his phone out of his pocket to type a quick message to Rey.

_I see what you’ve been so busy working on. I told Finn not to mention it. He won’t listen. Will I see you tonight?_

She responded immediately.

_I can ignore Finn. Yes, I’ll be there. Dinner after?_

Ben exhaled a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

_I can’t wait._

He paused, wondering if it would be appropriate to tap out the thoughts that were bubbling at the surface. 

_I’m proud of you. I love you._

He quickly erased the last three words, and hit send, hoping his message wouldn’t come off as condescending. 

His phone dinged once again.

_Thanks. I think maybe I am, too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end of this story!
> 
> Lede is how newspaper people spell lead, sometimes. It just literally means the opening of the article, the lead. But spelling it lede helps there be no confusion that we mean the actual first paragraph of a news article. Old school editorial pages are not something you just get write for as a staff writer. Editorial writers get paid more, and have a very specific job. Rey is given an Op-Ed. The editorial page writers have opinion pieces on one side, and usually the other side is the op-eds, where writers NOT from the paper, important experts on a certain field for example, or famous writers in that area, get published. It's all opinion, but an op-ed is an informed opinion piece not written by the paper's editorial writers, who sometimes don't even get bylines (b/c they are representing the official stance of the paper, unlike what Rey is doing). Staff writers like Rey might have a factual series they work on, and then the editorial writers get to write the informed opinion of the paper, an official position. Rey getting an op-ed would be big! She is being trusted enough to have an informed opinion in a place where well-known columnists and experts would have something published. It has to be limited, old school papers have far less space then the internet allows for, which is why it can feel like online platforms have all kinds of opinions, backed up and researched or not.
> 
> I... made up the excerpts of Rey's article on the fly, but it's all info that is out there. I've read opinion pieces by people that think rape is being overblown on campuses b/c basing data on surveys means women/people of all genders can say whatever they want and over exaggerate bad sex into rape. Yall, I can link you a 223 page scientific survey on assault. People want to downplay the data as imperfect, which it is, but not for the reasons they are saying. So that's what I had Rey spout off about. UNC-Chapel Hill, near me, JUST refused to release their records, so that worked its way in as well. It's a such a mess.
> 
> I decided to leave it up to you to imagine how much Rey talked about in her article of her personal experience, and then she moves to back up her opinions on what should be done about it with the best facts we can gather on the topic.
> 
> [This](https://www.forbes.com/sites/civicnation/2020/05/29/put-the-politics-aside-it-is-time-to-step-up-the-fight-against-campus-sexual-violence/#3d9e3ae8495e) is a good opinion piece, I think.
> 
> A news magazine here, that prides itself on being an independent news source, just fired an editor for sitting on stories of sexual assault. (you can google INDY WEEK). He apparently told the woman that came to him about the environment at a local restaurant here several triggering things, and then opted not to even TRY to investigate or publish. He did it again, and someone told their story on twitter and how she was treated when she came to them. He deserved to get fired. Our big paper just broke a story where 4 men were assaulted by a brand new city council member. It's HARD to write about things like this, with variables you can't prove, but it's important. So 4 different people, *separately* interviewed and coming to the paper, and it becomes negligent not to. Much like Rey, there was no police or report involved, there is no justice really, but the perpetrator did resign.
> 
> I hope you have enjoyed this story. Another chapter, or two.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS IT! THE END! THE CONCLUSION! Your comments have meant so incredibly much to me.

Rey wondered if there would ever be a time in her life when going to Ben’s  _ fucking _ class wouldn’t make her nervous.

Had she always been like this, ignoring the subtle butterflies and squeezing in her chest that seemed to be there more than it wasn’t? Had she been so unaware that her usual state of being was anxious that she normalized all those physical sensations more often than she realized? 

But more to the point, when would she feel better now, after everything? After waking up to it all?

The truth was, she  _ did _ feel better, at least in a sense. She was proud of the work that had been published that morning, and she was glad to be doing something that physically made her feel even incrementally more in control of her body and ability to defend herself. She’d always used physical activity to work off the anxiety of the day, she now realized𑁋 her rock climbing, walking and running everywhere. 

Ben’s class really was just a combination of confrontation and coping strategies, from a certain point of view.

Lately, she’d come to realize that living with the spectre of her assault hanging over her head had been like living with a constant buzz, a background noise, in her ears. The low level she’d been at was tolerable; she lived with it, it was a static she tried to tune out and not really register. When she met Ben it was like the background noise became more and more overbearing, his words and his bluntness and what he taught and spoke about so  _ easily _ forcing her to think about it too much and too often. But that was happening at the same time that she fell hard and fast for him. She sighed and shook her head as she walked, it was no wonder she had been so confused.

When she saw Hux again all of this noise in her life reached a painful fever pitch. It had been that moment when the world made your legs fall out from under you, when you couldn’t stand because of the force of it pushing down on you. 

And now… was it fading? Had the muscles in her chest eased? Was it easier to stand up straight? Was the static softer, and more bearable, now that she’d come through the other side? 

She thought so. Maybe no longer being afraid to think of the past was like finally being able to control the volume, even if it would never go away entirely.

_ I’ll make it go away forever someday, _ she thought determinedly. She was nearly to the gym.

She knew that wasn’t true either. She’d tried pretending it didn’t exist for years.

_ I’ll be okay even when it gets hard again, then,  _ she settled on. 

It’s not like every week she’d be waiting on pins and needles to see what anyone that knew her had to say about her now-public story, anyway. After this week, it could settle down. She might even just join Ben’s gym like a regular member and train more often. 

She rounded the corner, and Ben was, curiously, outside talking to an older man who was an entire head shorter than he was.

His eyes lit up when he saw her approaching, and she was shocked when he told her there was someone he’d like her to meet. Ben looked… younger somehow, like his world wasn’t as heavy as it used to be, as if the lines on his face had eased since the last time she saw him the Sunday before, after he’d pressed her up against her door after their brunch.

“Luke,” the man said, jutting out his hand, his voice having that gravelly quality age brings.

She looked up at Ben curiously while she shook his hand.

“It’s lovely to meet you, I’m Rey.”

“So I’ve heard,” Luke replied. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

No one offered anything else, and Rey wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Are you coming in, to the class?”

“No,” Luke said, his voice matter-of-fact. “But don’t let me keep you. Perhaps you should come down to my place sometime. We teach a true martial art, not just fighting.”

Ben scoffed lightly, but didn’t look terribly offended.

“No. She belongs here,” he said, his hand touching her on her back as he stepped just a hair closer to her. 

“I can decide that for myself,” she responded, but leaned in closer and smiled up at him.

“Okay, kid, see you around. Maybe next Sunday? Bring the girl,” Luke said to Ben. 

She got the distinct feeling she had missed the context of the beginning of their conversation, and wasn’t sure she loved being referred to as ‘the girl’, yet she dared to hope that the familiarity was the beginning of being part of a family, in a way. A dysfunctional, imperfect, and kind of small family, but a family. 

Luke turned after they nodded good-bye, and Ben opened the door for Rey to enter, his hand never leaving the small of her back.

“So, that’s Luke, huh? What did he want?” she asked, trying to sound casual.

“Nothing, really. He came by to say he’d come to my mother’s house the next time I was invited, but that’s really all. He doesn’t say much, I guess. Or at least not with words.” Ben looked thoughtful, as if he was piecing together the unexpected visit himself.

She realized he wasn’t going to say anything about her article, and her nerves died down to the level she was used to every time she began training. Perhaps that was just a normal response to learning self-defense lessons after something like she’d gone through. It was tolerable, and she decided maybe it was time to stop judging herself for it.

  
  


* * *

Later that night just as class ended, their dinner plans were forgotten when Rey whispered in Ben’s ear that she’d be waiting for him in his bed, and not to take too long with the gym’s nightly routine. His eyes darkened as he silently looked her up and down, pressing his keys into her palm and telling her she wouldn’t be waiting long.

She took the quickest shower she ever had, using the fragrant cedar soap she found in his shower, and relaxing her tired muscles in too hot water. 

She felt a little silly, actually, after she dove into his king sized bed naked. The sheets felt soft and cool against her clean skin, and she tried to arrange the top sheet across her torso artfully, kicking a shapely calf out to expose it. But after a minute in that position, she felt ridiculous again, so instead she rolled on her stomach to grab her phone from where’d she left it on the bedside table.

And that was the position she was in when Ben emerged from downstairs, stalking silently up behind her. Engrossed in what she’d been reading, she hadn’t even heard him enter, her back to the door, and the sheet bunched around her hips.

“That’s a sight I could get used to coming home to,” he said, leaning against an elbow on the door frame.

Rey dropped her phone and sat up quickly in surprise, the sheet falling into her lap.

“How does someone the size of a redwood walk so quietly?” she asked.

“Years of practice at being light on my feet I suppose,” he mused, looking at her bare chest. “What, exactly, was your plan here?”

She laughed.

“Nice of you to think I plan anything out,” she teased. “I don’t know. I’m lying in your bed naked. I think you can figure out something to do with that.”

He kicked off his shoes and pulled off his shirt, noticing her damp hair.

“I’ll just…” he jerked his head towards the bathroom.

“I’ll be here,” she reassured him, and decided to order something to be delivered while she waited. She was sure he’d be fine with whatever she picked.

Soon, he emerged from the shower, not bothering to walk out with a towel around his waist. Though they’d had sex before, she wasn’t sure she’d ever just looked at him standing naked before her this way. Something started to feel more intimate than it had before, and she felt butterflies in her chest. She bit her bottom lip, and propped herself up on her knees as he approached. They didn’t need to exchange any words. They’d been waiting to be back here long enough.

He bent down significantly from his standing position to softly kiss her once, gently pulling her lip out from where it was trapped beneath her teeth with his own, and swiping his tongue against her mouth. She leaned back on her elbows, laying across the expanse of the bed, inviting him to climb on top of her as her legs fell open. 

His eyes were dark again, and he kissed down her neck, sucking gently and settling himself where he’d wanted to be every night for weeks. He was inside her just like that, no preamble, slipping in easily simply because her body had been so ready for him, so inviting and open. For once, her body and mind were symbiotic, not warring with one another, not fighting.

Rey tightened her legs around his waist, locking her ankles and pulling him to her almost forcefully. Now that he was finally back here, she didn’t want any even an inch of space between them. His cock stretched her, and filled her, and simply felt  _ right _ , the slight burning from his size exactly what she wanted to feel. She finally had him where he belonged, and it felt like she had been waiting for  _ years. _

He hovered over her, savoring the moment, not sure if he should move yet with the way she clung to him. He studied her face, eyes squeezed tight for a moment, and when she opened them he saw something wild and desperate there.

“Rey,” he whispered. “Rey, what’s wrong.”

He began to pull back, his biceps flexing as he straightened his arms so that he could get a better look at her. He swore he saw the faintest beginning of unshed tears, causing him to panic, and begin to pull out.

“No! Stop, Ben, please. Just be with me. I just needed to feel inside me, just for a minute,” her eyes implored him to understand, and her feet remained in place, locking him to her.

“Are you okay?” he asked warily. “You looked… upset.”

He didn’t think he could take any more heartache between them. It would be too much. It would finally break him.

“I’m perfect. Just listen to me, for once, Ben, I need you to _ listen to me _ , I’m perfect. I’ve never been better, not once.”

He buried his head into the crook of her shoulder, and exhaled. She felt his warm breath as he began moving his hips slowly, agonizingly slowly, but he just couldn’t stand not moving much longer.

He thrust up and she whimpered.

“When are you going to see, Ben? That I’m fine. That this is perfect. That’s what you kept trying to tell me. That  _ we _ are perfect. I just… I just needed to feel you there, where you belong. Where you are meant to be,” she rambled. She ran her hands through his hair and cupped his face on one side. “You’re perfect. And you just kept waiting for me.”

She’d never looked into someone’s eyes so intently before. She needed him to finally  _ get it _ , that she accepted it now. That they were scarred, but they could still be what life had made them, with _ each other.  _ She wondered if he’d ever know that he made her realize she’d thought she needed to be perfect, or closer to it, before she deserved something like this.

“You’re…” he was going to say crazy, but he let his voice trail off, because that wasn’t a good word to use. She wasn’t wrong for thinking he was where he belonged, though knew he was so far from perfect. If it made her happy though, he’d let her think how she wanted.

His hand brushed her forehead, and he gazed at her while thrusting, finally settling on a deep kiss while he fucked her until she came.

* * *

The next week at work was fine. A few coworkers congratulated her on making the op-ed page, but didn’t seem to want to discuss it more than superficially. Which she didn’t mind one bit. The only person that had really wanted to talk to her about it had been Finn, and he held that special place in her life as the one person who had her begrudging acceptance when he sometimes meddled. 

Jannah didn’t mention it either, when they had lunch together. When she’d seen her that morning, a brief𑁋startlingly brief𑁋 look of pity, or maybe compassion, flashed across her face, but she’d smoothed her features out quickly before asking Rey if she had time for lunch that day.

When she returned after lunch, there was a post-it note stuck to the side of the monitor, on the flat of the desk, almost missable except for the hot pink color.

_ Thanks for what you wrote. It means so much. _

She spun on her chair slowly glancing through the bullpen, but not a single person looked up to meet her eye, or give a nod of acknowledgement.

She carefully tucked the tiny paper underneath the pens and notebooks in the middle drawer of her desk for safekeeping.

She was happy the day was half way over because she couldn’t wait to get home and unwind and think about things other than work. After a few phone calls to schedule interviews, she walked to the breakroom for her afternoon cup of coffee, her rainbow mug in hand.

She froze when she walked in and saw Snap sitting at the table, nursing a cup of coffee while looking down at his phone. She brushed by him and didn’t say hi. She’d never blocked him, never told him to stop messaging her outright, but her lack of response to four or five messages in a row had seemed to give him a clue. She was hoping he just took the hint and assumed she was too busy to respond.

As she turned around from the coffee pot on the counter, he was suddenly standing next to her, having stood quietly when her back was to him.

“I read your article,” he said, not moving out of her way. “I want you to know I’m here for you. If you ever need to talk.”

Rey instinctively stepped back and held her free hand out with her palm facing him.

“That’s okay. I’d really rather not discuss it.”

“Well, if you need a friend. We could get together, after work. I want to be there for you.”

“I’m fine, thanks for the concern, but it’s entirely unnecessary.”  _ And unwelcome. _

She stared at him but he didn’t move, just looking down at her for far longer than she was comfortable with.

She raised her eyebrows. She considered walking around the table the far way, or pushing past him as she felt a bit trapped.

“If you don’t mind moving, I need to get by,” she stated firmly, instead. He finally backed away, sitting back down silently, and she rushed out of the room.

That night, as she lounged on her couch holding Chewie, a message popped up on her open laptop. From Snap.

_ I’m sorry if I upset you. Really, I just want to be your friend. I think there’s been a misunderstanding. _

Rey thought about texting Jannah for advice, but she knew what she’d likely say and didn’t want to bother her. She thought about texting Finn, but she knew what  _ he’d _ say, likely willing to jump up at a moment’s notice in her defense. 

She thought about texting Ben, but she just. Didn’t. Want. To. 

She was tired of needing advice to validate her feelings, and assuming the best in people in a way that really only let them take advantage of her. 

So instead, she decided to leave her friends be and just follow the appropriate channels. She opened the messenger app on her phone, took screenshots of every message he’d sent her, composed an email to the paper’s human relations director, carbon copying Amilyn, and blocked Snap from any social media she could find him on.

* * *

Rey had begun seeing Ben at least a few times a week, although his schedule was quite different than hers. She’d slept over at his apartment a few times, and things were nice. Easy. 

But something was nagging at her as they made coffee together on a Sunday morning after she’d stayed over at his apartment after the class the night before. They hadn’t even talked about it. It was just a part of their routine now.

They’d had lazy, sensual sex just before getting up, Ben sliding into her from behind as they’d woken up tangled together. She’d never done it that way before, just like she’d never had a significant other whose place she slept at regularly, a person she woke up to that meant what he did.

Yet, it nagged at her that Ben didn’t feel as passionate as before. He was careful with her. Too careful. And that felt… it felt like yet another way someone might treat her differently knowing all that Ben did about her. 

She had no idea how to broach a subject with him that was so entirely and painfully subjective. He’d done so much for her, and she didn’t want him to think she was unhappy with how things were between them.

She was sitting at the island, inhaling the coffee as it cooled, and realized no one had said anything for a few minutes, but Ben had a goofy𑁋for him𑁋 grin on his face.

“What?” she asked, cheeks heating up.

“I just like seeing you here. In my kitchen. In the morning. Wearing that.”

She looked down at herself, at the old black sweater that became hers after he’d thrown it at her a week ago when she said she was cold in the middle of the night.

“Oh,” she responded, and laughed. He was so breathtakingly sweet, but she didn’t think he knew. She could do this.

She set down her coffee mug and walked around to where he was standing, pulling her to him with her hands on his sides.

“I want to ask you something.”

“Of course.”

“What do you fantasize about?”

He laughed, a confused smile gracing his face.

“That’s what you are asking me?”

“Yeah. I want to know. The past few weeks have been great, and we… I just want to know. What things do you like?”

“I like… you,” he answered seriously, frowning.

“Okay, but every guy has fantasies. I mean, I’ve seen the kinds of porn that are the most popular. What’s yours?”

“Every  _ person _ has fantasies, Rey. Although I’m being honest when I say it’s not something I think about all  _ that _ much. I just like what we do. And I like that it’s you.”

Rey looked down, at his chest, instead of up at his eyes, and crossed her arms. 

“There has to be something that would make you… make you really, uh, riled up?” She said it like she wasn’t sure of her own word choice. “Get you really excited?”

“Sure. I guess I’d have to think about it. There’s nothing that comes to mind right away,” he said, somewhat more guarded, his words coming out slowly.

Rey realized this wasn’t going the way she wanted. 

“Okay. I just thought maybe there was something specific I could do, or something I’d done in the past, that you really liked?”

“We don’t even have that much past, Rey,” he said, settling his hands on her hips. “What is it that has you wondering?”

She risked a look up at him, his eyes soft and sincere. She took a deep breath.

“I just think you are holding back. Things feel different the past few weeks. I’m… I’m so happy we’re together, and everything’s perfect, it just doesn’t feel like it did  _ before. _ ”

“Before what?”

“Before you knew everything about me.” She was looking down again.

He swallowed thickly and chewed on his bottom lip.

“You mean before I knew for sure about Hux,” he stated.

“You don’t have to dance around it. It’s just you and me here. Before you knew I was raped a few years ago,” she countered, looking back up and meeting his eyes. “Before, those few times we were together, you were so much more… I don’t want to use the word aggressive but… you were, and that was okay. I liked it. I never gave you any indication that I didn’t?”

“Well, no, but… I didn’t think I was acting that differently,” he frowned.

She didn’t know what to do with that, because how could he not know? But, she could give him the benefit of the doubt.

“Maybe you didn’t realize it. Maybe it’s not a conscious thought, but I’m telling you, you can be yourself with me. You can do what you want with me. I mean, maybe ask before you do anything too different, but don’t treat me like I’m glass. I can’t take that.”

“You think me being  _ myself _ entails not being respectful and gentle with you? Because that’s all I’ve been trying to do.”

Rey rubbed her forward, trying to figure out  _ how _ to even talk about this.

“No.  _ No _ ,” she paused, a frustrating noise forming at the back of her throat. __

“I just need you to trust me and not treat me like I'm going to break if you are the slightest bit too rough. Because I’m finally starting to trust  _ myself _ ,” she said, putting her hand over his heart, willing him to understand.

It almost physically hurt to speak the next words out loud. 

“I spent a lot of time being afraid that wanting someone to own me in the ways I want you to was… unsafe… or something I shouldn’t want, or because Hux broke me or something.”

“Being careful with you doesn't mean that I don't trust you,” he said, and she felt like his defenses were up higher than she liked, and it felt like every word she chose was hurting his feelings unintentionally. Or that he was fixing on the wrong ones.

“But it feels that way,” she replied. “This is not a criticism of you, Ben.” 

She wanted to step back from him. She  _ really _ wanted to just end the conversation, and tell him she must have been imagining things and overreacted. But she stayed where she was.

“You can't expect me to always know what to do and the last thing I want to do is the wrong thing.”

“Do you honestly think that it's you that I'm afraid of? It's not like I walk around  _ literally _ thinking I'm going to be attacked again, that's not what it's like. If I didn't trust you I wouldn't even be here. I just need you to quit holding back. I'm telling you that's what I want.”

“What do you think it is that I’m even holding back?” he asked.

She snorted as if that was the most ridiculous question she ever heard.

“That’s kind of what I’m asking you to tell me. Tell me what you love. Tell me what gets you off. I want to know, and I want to be that for you if it sounds good. What is the worst case scenario here? That something freaks me out and I have to stop? I can accept that if you can and I really don't think I could ever be afraid of you anyway. Even if I got mad at you, I’d try to tell you. It’d be temporary. We’d work it out. Together.”

“Well, what if I don’t want to be the guy you get mad at over something like sex, Rey,” he snapped. Rey crossed her arms.

“What happened to me wasn’t  _ sex  _ and you know that! You can’t honestly think I’m so irrational or traumatized that I’d accuse you of something terrible, just because you do something that makes me uncomfortable.”

“Of course I don’t think that!”

“Right. Exactly. I’m going to ask you again then, what are you afraid of? Please, please, just treat me like you did before you knew,” she said softly, the irritation leaching out of both of them.

“I can’t do  _ that _ exactly. But... I see your point. I just don’t want to upset you. I don’t ever want to be the guy that hurts you. And… I’ve hurt a lot of people, Rey. It’s easy for me to do. I wouldn’t be able to stand it.”

Rey looked up at him and cupped his cheek.

“This is really difficult for me to talk about. It really,  _ really _ is. It’s easier to  _ feel _ with you, to just be. That’s how we started. Let’s just go back to that, and you can… you can… we can talk about something if we need to. But right now? Right now I just really want you to have your way with me, and pick me up, and throw me down, and do all the things you did the first few times we were together. And so much more than just that.”

“I just told you I never wanted to be owned by anyone,” she said, her cheeks turning pink and her heart speeding up. “I've spent so much time being terrified of it. But I want you to own me completely sometimes. I want you to  _ use _ me completely sometimes, and I’d never want that if I didn’t feel safe with you.”

Ben’s eyes were dark and his face jaw was tight.

“You want me to own you?”

“Uh-huh,” she answered sweetly.

“And have my way with you?”

“Sweet sex is fine sometimes, but yes.”

Ben opened his mouth and closed it, hesitating, an unsure look crossing his face, but passing.

He leaned down over her and spoke softly in her ear.

“Well, you’ve never put my cock in your mouth then, sweetheart. You could. Right here in the kitchen? I’ve never,  _ ever  _ had that pleasure. And that  _ is _ something I’ve thought about you doing more than once.”

Rey’s mouth dropped open, and she could swear she felt her blood rushing to the space in between her legs.

“I could… I could do that. You could teach me. It’s nothing something I really….” her voice trailed.

He grabbed the side of her head and kissed her then, shoving his tongue in her mouth and making her feel completely whole. But he pulled away too soon, much too soon, and pushed her shoulder down lightly.

“Well, go one then.”

She knelt down, looking up at him with wide eyes, and reaching for the waistband of his shorts.

  
  


* * *

_ One Year Later _

“Looks good, people. That’s enough for tonight,” Rey said to the group assembled at the gym on a Saturday night. She had begun training with Ben several times a week like a regular student, and had progressed to the point that she now helped out with the self-defense class as a beginning instructor. She didn’t feel very qualified, but even Finn insisted she understood the techniques enough to at least assist.

The gym was a second home to her now. Finn pretended to find it irritating, how quickly Rey and Ben became the most intense couple he knew, but no one could question that they were well-matched. Like magnets. He insisted they were the kind of couple that made people sick, the way they only saw each other when they were both in the room, but that was fine with them. They spent most of their time alone together anyway, except when Finn and Poe dragged them out about once a month, or when Rey would go out with Jannah or Rose. She was attempting to lead a well-rounded social life for the first time, after all.

She was in the process of emptying her small apartment and moving her things to Ben’s loft, so she was ready for the gym to empty out. After the last person left, she grabbed her keys and told Ben she’d see him at her place… her old place… when he was done closing down.

“Skip the moving for tonight. Just come upstairs,” he said, pulling at her waist.

She swatted at him.

“We only have until Sunday to get the last of it out and the place cleaned. Now be a good boyfriend and get done quickly. I want to clean tomorrow and be done early.”

“I can get done quickly. Exactly what I was suggesting,” he smirked.

She gracefully backed out of his grasp and shook her head.

“Nope.”

“Fine,” Ben pouted, but gave up.

“How did I ever get such a dramatic man for a boyfriend. After this weekend, we have our whole lives for you to get done quickly okay? You’ll be tired of me. I’ll always be there. Stop looking like a sad puppy.”

“I’ll never be tired of you,” he said intently.

She rolled her eyes at his seriousness, and waved as she left the Saturday night self-defense class to drive to her apartment, for what would probably be the very last time.

And later that night, when Ben pushed into her and whispered words in her ear, she felt relaxed and happy and  _ home. _

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I truly hope you enjoyed this and it was done well. Once the idea came to me, I had to write it down, even if I spend more of my own time reading terrible and problematic and far less soft Bens, haha. 
> 
> There were so many ways I thought of doing this. I originally thought that Ben and Finn would beat up Hux and that would be why Rey temporarily breaks up with Ben, so to speak. But the more I wrote it, the more I wanted it to be realistic. We have SO many wonderfully dramatic heroes and anti-heroes in our fic collections to read. LONG AGO, reading a twific when I was much, much younger (sigh) that dealt with rape-- I found it to be very healing. I myself was raped by one of my husband's friends (my husband swears up and down he "never liked him anyway"). Yeah. A few months before I started dating hubs, this guy assaults me and he was in the same circle of 5-6 guys my husband grew up with. I.... did not tell anyone until I was married and had 2 of my 3 children. My husband knew I hated him, and he wasn't the closest with him, but he didn't know why. I gave a version like "one night he came on too strong, I don't like him." So then... gosh...an entire decade later, we went to stay with my husband's actual best friend. My husband is from a very small island, which is where I lived when all this happened, so I simply didn't have the ability to run into this man for large portions of my life, and just ignored that it happened. Anyway... the day we get off the plane I run into my rapists' brother, have a nice chat, totally fine, lol, yada yada... and proceeded to hide in my husband's best friends guest room having panic attacks and pretending the baby needed quiet for most of our vacation/my husband's trip home. I had no choice but to confront it and tell hubs what was going on. This man still sends me fb friend requests, as recent as last month. (we visited my husband's home a year ago, and I think he saw us on social media with his friends). I've blocked him on at least three fb accounts. I've told my husband's best friend and his wife. He won't leave me alone, so to speak. Is it because he doesn't even remember? Probably. It means nothing I'm sure. Or is it because it's fun to harass me and it's gotten back to him that I told his friends? His brother unfriended us. Who TF knows. But some of that was the inspiration of the sitch Rey ends up in.... how do women in Rey's situation deal with these issues? We know most of us are assaulted by people we know, but there is little talk about how to deal with the fact people's attackers are still in their lives. Eventually, I want to believe, most of us make peace with it, but that hardly means any justice is actually served. We just make our peace. Anyway, that's it. That's the story. Ah, I finally made a stan acccount. https://twitter.com/Magdala03393348 Magdalane


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